Expert: Bj Hickman - 7/24/2007

Question
I have a daughter who just turned 16 last week.  I have found out that she has been sneaking out, at times with friends, to various spots (others houses, Waffle House, etc.)I found out last night she snuck over to another teenage boys house between 1:00-4:00 am.  She took our car, and she only has a restricted license!  Her father and I are beside ourselves with shock.  Of course, we disciplined her by taking away all of her privileges, but this display of dangerous behavior is very troubling to us. We are seeking counseling right away to deal with this. Do you have any other recommendations? Thanks.

Answer
One of the easiest mistakes we, as parents, can make is to focus on our children's behavior as the problem.  Behavior is always a symptom, and we have to figure out what is really going on before we can help our kids.

Has your daughter gone through any significant changes?  A loss of a friend or close family member, maybe?  A divorce or other marital problems between you and her father?  Even if these events weren't recent, they can be at the core of what's happening here.  

Maybe it's a change that is happening at school.  A change in longterm friendships, etc.  

Consider everything.  We often hear people say "children are resilient" but they really aren't, they're just good at pretending to be in the moment.  

Most kids don't just suddenly spiral out of control like this without cause.  Is there any indication she could be experimenting with drug or alcohol abuse?  The boy she sneaked out to see...is he a new person to her circle of friends?  She may just be responding to peer pressure.

You're on the right track getting her into counseling.  Make sure the counselor focuses on what is really going on for your daughter that is leading her to this kind of behavior, rather than on the behavior itself.  I encourage you to find a way to do the same.  If you focus too much on the behavior, the core issue will get lost in the mix.

The only other thing I would encourage you to do is, even if it's never been this way before, allow your daughter to be honest with you about what is going on for her...even if she somehow believes you are to blame.  Teenagers often struggle with age-old resentments toward their parents, and parents often never know because they aren't willing to let their kids speak openly to them about what the child sees as your faults.  Give your daughter an open forum where she is allowed to say anything she wishes without fear of judgment or punishment.  The only ground rule is that she has to be respectful about it.  She can't call you names but she can say "I really hate it when you..."

If you do this, be willing to hear whatever she has to say and take it into consideration.  Do not get defensive or try to explain away your behavior.  Acknowledge her perception of the situation, own what is rightfully yours to own, make amends to her for it, and move on.

We frequently gave our kids the opportunity to do this when they were growing up, and I learned more about how to better parent them in those moments than any other way.  Boy, was it painful at times, but it changed me.  And it helped me to understand my kids.

Our kids just need to know they have a voice, and too often we unwittingly enforce an unspoken rule of "Children are to be seen but not heard."  If she can tell you her struggles, she's less likely to act on them.  It's certainly a start.

My heart aches for you.  My prayer is this is just your daughter stretching her wings, and that she'll come to find a more constructive way to do it.  In the meantime, get her to counseling.  Open your own heart and mind to her.  And I pray your relationship will be strengthened through this.

I wish you the best.

Sincerely,
Bj Hickman