Expert: Keith O`Brien - 7/18/2006

Question
My husband and I found a used condom in my sons bedroom, we are unsure as to how to handle this. Our son is 17 and his girlfriend is 18.  My husband wants to take away his car, I think talking to him about the consequences of having sex (again) would be better.  Any advice?

Answer
Susan,

Here are my two cents...spend them how you see best.

Without knowing more of the history, I'll throw out a bunch of scenarios so you can choose which is true for you.

IF you and your husband have talked with your son about sex and specifically told him you felt he shouldn't be active AND he agreed and committed to being abstinent, then perhaps a punishment is in order.

IF you and your husband talked with your son about sex and outlined why it's best to wait (in your opinion) and talked about what needs to be done to have sex responsibily (protection), then your son hasn't really done anything wrong.  He used protection, he is having sex with what seems to be his steady girlfriend.

This is a very personal decision in terms of your family's view on sex and when and how it should or shouldn't happen.  Punishment without communication is rarely a good solution.  Talk to him, find out what he is feeling, find out how he really feels about his girlfriend, and why they decided to have sex, find out if it was the first time.  WITHOUT JUDGEMENT OR MAKING HIM WRONG.  Then decide the best course of action without REACTING to the situation.

Something else to keep in mind...

Everyone remembers their first time having sex...some want to forget it, but everyone remembers it.  If this was your son's and he was fortunate to have his first time be with someone he really cares about...hmmm....

Be open...enjoy this moment in parenting...it will never come around again with him. :)

Committed to making a difference,

Keith O'Brien
www.futurepoint.org
Author of Between Friends