AboutDr. Darleen Claire Wodzenski Expertise Parenting toddlers to preschoolers? Our cutting edge approach will turn "terrible two's" into "terrific two's & three's". We teach how to develop tools and skills that make parenting the little ones joyful and fun. Don't waste your little one's early childhood struggling with their behavior and "no" attitude. Learn how to move them beyond the "no" and into the "Go!". Simple, effective, spiritual (non-denominational) and powerful. These skills easily support growth into elementary and middle school years and teenage years.
Experience 19 years experience developing innovative program; over 12 years as a Parent Coach and Ministerial Counselor (non-denominational); 5 years developing and leading workshops and seminars on Parenting Success Strategies.
Publications The Local News; Lifestyles Marietta
Education/Credentials Ordained minister, with doctorate in divinity; incorporate training in Health Kinesiology and Educational Kinesiology Foundation in sessions.
Question hi,i have son who is 30 months and who refuses to pass stool in the toilet.he finds it the most comfortable to make it in the pampers uder the table.but for passing urine during the day he has no problem and i dont use pampers also.he goes by himself to the toilet for urine.i tried not to put him pampers for more than 2days but he refuses to go.he says no for toilet and starts kicking me and shouting for pampers.we even tried speaking to him.i even use the pamper for him in the night and its full in the morning.pls advice me of what i can do.i am totally frustrated.everyone tell me that i am late but i dont see my son is ready also.am i too late?helppppp.....
Answer Dear JJ,
Wow! Two and a half years old ... what a great age!
So many opportunities to learn and grow and explore the world. And to learn to master bathroom/toilet habits.
You're NOT too late. Each child is unique, and you must deal with them on their own terms. You are right on time for this child.
I once had a child who had been abused come to live with me. He was 5 years old and was unable to control his stool or urine and almost always went in his pants. At the end of three months, we had him totally in control of his bathroom habits. Because of his challenging roots, it took some stability and patience to teach him to develop the control required to master bowel control and continence.
So, I'm not at all concerned about it being too late for your son.
Here are some facts that might help you orient yourself for this training phase in his little life:
By two and a half (30 months) ... he DOES have the physical ability to control his bowel movements.
It is SAFE and APPROPRIATE for you to take a firmer stance about his toilet habits ... as long as you are fair, relaxed and consistent.
It is SAFE and APPROPRIATE for you to allow your son to choose to use pampers at nap time, bedtime or if he's not feeling well.
HERE ARE SOME CONSIDERATIONS:
Since you say your son prefers to have a bowel movement in his pamper under the table ... then that demonstrates his ABILITY to CONTROL where and when he has bowel movements.
So, in a strange way ... you've already POTTY TRAINED HIM ... now you just have to get him to choose the bathroom/toilet instead of under the kitchen table. So, when people tell you you're "too late" you can point out that your child ALREADY has control of where and when. You're just putting on the finishing touches of the WHERE and HOW. (A bit of humor there.)
He may just dislike sitting on the toilet or commode. (I don't know which word you prefer, but we use toilet and commode interchangably here, whereas the water closet is also called the bathroom.) Many children have a fear of the toilet. It's easy for boys to urinate standing up ... so the fear of the scary, swirling machine of death that eats up their poop ... well, it's at a distance when they're only standing in FRONT of the toilet. Sitting ON and IN the toilet to give up their poop ... that's a different matter.
So, let's consider what his issues might be:
1) Some children are very fond of their poop. They want to look at it and participate in flushing it. They may even feel a bit scared about flushing it ... watching it swirl down the toilet can give them a scary feeling in their tummy like when you're standing on the top of a very tall building or riding in a car over a big bump.
2) Some children are afraid they'll fall in the toilet.
3) Some children (and adults) have actually fallin in the toilet ... so your son's fears may be quite logical and rational.
4) Some children develop strange relationships and attitudes towards bowel movements ... greatly due to the adults saying things like "nasty" and "stinky" when they do have a bowel movement as infants and toddlers. I would personally like to outlaw that type of communication with children.
WAYS TO DEAL WITH TOILET PHOBIAS:
We looked at possible reasons for your son to dislike the toilet. There are some simple ways to overcome this challenge. Let's take a look at some of them ... you may come up with some great ones on your own ...
1) Use a small potty chair on the floor instead of the adult toilet.
2) Put a "catch cup" in the toilet (like a patient will urinate into when in the hospital so the nurse can measure and test the urine). You can purchase at medical supplier.
3) Put a "mini toilet seat" on top of your toilet. It rests over the open toilet, with a small seat just the right size for a toddler.
4) Use a bowl on the ground in the bathroom ... and let him squat over it. Squatting is actually a much healthier alternative to toilet seats. The squat is the proper position to properly eliminate the bowels due to the pressure the legs place on the abdomen, plus the muscle position makes for more effective pushing (interthecal pressure). If he really prefers squatting ... he can later just squat over the open toilet with is feet on either side of the bowl. While it is unconventional, I can show you medical evidence that this posture is really the way nature intended for us to void our bowels.
INTRODUCE THE NEW TOILETING PROGRAM WITH ENTHISIASM AND CONFIDENCE:
Since your son likes to go under the table in the kitchen, I'd consider trying number 4 above first ... then try the others one at a time until you find the one that works best. If you remove the "toilet" from the bathroom situation, it may overcome your son's objection immediately.
Be positive and upbeat without pushing or showing false enthusiasm. You KNOW you have figured out a great solution that your son will love. You're just going to try out several options until you refine the approach. Your confidence will be relayed to him, and he'll be more cooperative and relaxed about trying new things. Just stay upbeat and confident even if he resists. He will catch on sooner or later.
After he has a bowel movement ... please put it in the toilet. Then, let him know that he made a beautiful bowel movement (I'm not kidding ... bowel movements are the first things our children make in the world .. and they are an indication of your child's health and wellbeing - so they are something to celebrate. (We NEVER let anyone make any negative comments about our children's toilet issues ... no "stinky" or "nasty" or "whew's" were allowed. If anybody wanted to make any comment at all about our infant or toddler's diapers, the were ONLY allowed to say, "Beautiful Poohs". We were adamant about it. Children don't know why adults make nasty faces and derrogatory remarks after a soiled diaper ... so why put those negative emotions on the child/infant ... when you want to ENCOURAGE their having good feelings about their bathroom habits which can be easily translated into potty training and positive self image and positive body image.)
After placing his feces into the toilet, give him a chance to flush it WITH you. Make it a festive occasion each and every time. You can even have a little treat to celebrate after he washes his hands. That way you'll be reinforcing the positive behavior of hand washing AND flushing feces down the drain.
SET UP A POSITIVE/NEGATIVE REWARD SYSTEM:
Children learn most effectively when we can set up a positive and negative reward system. Each time (or most times) they do something desirable, they receive a reward.
Rewards can be praise, a star or mark on a chart of excellence (and they can have a celebration, treat or reward when they earn a certain number of stars ... keep the stars needed to earn a reward to two or three for toddlers and slowly increase over time). Rewards can even be a snack, piece of gum or candy, piece of fruit, time to watch television, play a game or read a special book. It has to be fun and rewarding.
Negative rewards can be structured in such a way that the child "feels the pain" of the negative consequence. It does NOT mean inflicing physical pain ... I'm talking about the "emotional pain" of the reward. You can take something away, reduce play time, take away a trip to the playground, withhold a treat or positive reward.
Another type of "negative reward" is the result of life itself. Whenever you can place some of the natural consequences of a child's unwanted behavior on that child ... it will encourage the child not to repeat that behavior in the future. Where going toilet in their clothing or in bed is concerned ... you can have the child clean up the mess.
For a 30 month old, that could mean going to the bathroom ... taking off their clothes and placing them in a plastic bag and using a washcloth or baby wipes to clean themselves off. By age three, the child can ALSO be required to take their clothes to the laundry room. By age four the child can be reqired to participate in doing their own laundry.
Another negative consequence of having a bowel movement in his pants might be HOW you clean him. Typicall children love bath time ... and they should. HOWEVER, if you ALWAYS give your child a short shower with no play and no fun every time he has a bowel movement in his drawers, it will create enough of a negative consequence that it will help deter the behavior. Don't use the fun soap, don't use the fun towels. Don't do anything fun. Don't even talk to him, other than to calmly give him instructions. Just give him the shower, dry him off.
After being bathed, a 30 month old SHOULD be required to dress himself (when he has just defecated in his drawers). This is another way in which he is taking on the natural consequence of his choices. If he poops in his pants, he has to be showered (or a short bath with no toys ... just make the cleaning up after a pooping event very DIFFERENT and LESS PLEASANT than his normal fun and relaxing bathtime) ... then he must dress himself. Even if he only puts on a hat of slippers .. you can do the rest based upon his skill level. BUT, if he's big enough to go under the kitchen table and INTENTIONALLY defecate in his drawers, then he is big enough to dress himself after you've bathed him. That is a no brainer.
SAMPLE POSITIVE/NEGATIVE REWARD SYSTEM:
Get a squatting bowl (just the plastic bowl from the potty chair will suffice) or potty chair ... and let him know it is the new rule.
Set up 5 small but fun positive rewards for each time he does something positive regarding defecating in the bathroom: example of these ... mini bottle of bubbles, play dough, raisins, special drink of tasty juice, sticker, removable tattoo, slinky, party noise maker.
Let your son know he will get a reward for any of the following:
- flushing his feces down the toilet
- defecating in the bathroom (in the potty chair, bowl, toilet)
- letting you know when he has to go to the bathroom to defecate
Next, set up the negative consequences of his pooping in his pants/pampers:
- he has to put the dirty clothes in a bag or trash in the trash bin
- he has to have a shower
- he has to redress himself afterwards
Now, put the system into place. Be calm and reassuring. Calmly remind him that it is his job to be a big boy and go potty in the bathroom. Ask him several times throughout the day if he would like help going to the potty.
If he lets you know he needs to go to the bathroom and asks for your help ... say "Great job for letting me know. Thank you." Give him a reward.
Then, if he does go to the bathroom correctly, celebrate with a "Yeah!!!" and give him another reward.
If he goes in his pants, make him clean up and get dressed. Plus, let him know "It's too bad we won't be able to blow bubbles to celebrate today, buddy. I hope you remember to use the bathroom next time so we can celebrate together." If he cries or gets upset when you say this, then GOOD. You want him to realize that he lost a benefit by choosing the undesirable behavior. It is good if it does upset him, because it means he'll learn more quickly how to get the reward he wants.
If your child gets upset because of any of the negative rewards, do not comfort him. This is a time to be calm and consistent. Just do what it takes to get him through his consequence and get on with your day. If he chooses to turn it into a huge tamtrum or crying fit, you need to just ignore it and act like it's not happening. Other than keeping him safe from harm, you don't want to EVER give a child attention for acting out due to earning discipline. It is the most counterproductive thing a parent can do.
AFTER TWO OR THREE WEEKS OF THE ABOVE ...
You can decide of it's working ... if so, keep it up. If not, move the intensity up a notch.
Now, add in a "reward chart". He gets a star on a chart each time as his positive reward. Every two or three stars (you decide ahead of time which) ... he gets a BIG reward. Make the BIG rewards really fun and amazing. Go for icecream. Go to his favorite playground for an hour or two. Go to the zoo or the arcade. Take him to an indoor play place with other children. Let him play with a special video game he ONLY gets to play when he earns it through his star chart.
Then, if he breaks the rules, make sure he knows he won't be getting his reward this time ... AND make him still clean up and redress himself.
STAY COMMITTED.
Put the indecision and frustration out of your mind. Your child is still a baby, and will quickly grow out of this phase. He's certainly old enough to control his bathroom habits ... but he won't do it perfectly every time. Children do make mistakes. Just make sure not to reward the mistakes.
You want to be confident that you're in charge, and you know EXACTLY what to do. By the time you try BOTH levels of reward/consequence AND the four ways for him to use the bathroom .... you are SURE to find a successful combination.
PLUS, as a Mommy who's been through this many times, over a dozen years ago ... I promise that healthy children NEVER go in their pants when they get older. So, even though people try to scare you and say "it's too late" ... they're really quite silly. If it was too late, then we'd have a lot of adults who still poop in their drawers ... and we really don't see that happen, do we? So, you just tell those nay sayers that they're sadly mistaken. You're on time for your child!!
You're a loving and concerned parent, and you're willing to do what it takes to get your child to learn this new behavior. That is a surefire system for success!
I want to be really clear that you have nothing to apologize for. Each of my children had their own way of managing their bathroom issues. My third child learned by watching her older siblings, and just potty trained herself at 18 months of age. BUT, we know she was just a baby, so we'd ask her if she needed a diaper or pull up at bedtome or naptime. She would tell us "I can stay dry" or "I want a diaper", and we'd let her have. No struggles, no worries.
Another of my children was a big drinker. Always drinking water, juice, soy milk, herbal tea. We couldn't stop him from playing hard, perspiring and drinking. So, he wet the bed at night from being so tired but having so much fluid in his body. No matter what we did, we couldn't get him over it until his body was ready. So, we did require him to help wash his clothes and sheets, wash himself and get dressed afterwards. It wasn't an angry thing ... just a necessary thing. No anger, no tension, just cooperation. But, we let him have rubber sheets and pull ups until he was totally over the night time bed wetting ... which happened when he was about 6 or 7. It was only occasional, but that's how long it took him to totally out grow the night time bed wetting.
So, each child is unique. Even in one family you have a wide variety of experiences. I hope that puts your mind at ease.
No need to be worried or let people bully you about it. Some children are easier than others. Some children, like my son, have small bladders and less control during sleep than others. Still other children, perhaps like your son, have issues about the toilet being scary or imposing.
So, I want to affirm that you are right on time for your child.
Let me know if you have any questions or comments. Of course, give your child lots of love and encouragement during the day as you always do. You're only changing the way you interact with him around the times he does his toilet business ... you'll be either encouraging and celebratory ... or you'll be restrained and calm, as you get him to help you clean up, wash up, and dress again.
I certainly hope this helps. I'm here if you have any further questions. It will all work out, I promise! Just be confident and hang in there.
