AboutJames Windell Expertise I can answer questions related to normal child development, disturbed behavior and how to provide appropriate guidance and discipline.
Experience I've been a clinical psychologist in a juvenile court, worked in school settings, been a child psychotherapist in a private psychiatric clinic and consulted with schools, courts, hospitals and daycare centers.
Organizations American Psychological Association
Michigan Psychological Association
Publications I have been a columnist with the Oakland Press (Oakland County, MI) for 21 years writing a weekly column called Coping With Kids, which is also published weekly in the Staten Island Advance. I have been a mental health columnist with the Detroit Free Press and a columnist for Working Mother Magazine. In addition, I have published articles in professional journals. I have published 12 books, among them are "8 Weeks to a Well-Behaved Child" (IDG Books), "Discipline: A Sourcebook of 50 Failsafe Techniques for Parents" (IDG Books); "Children Who Say No When You Want Them to Say Yes" (IDG Books), "What You Need to Know About Ritalin" (Bantam Books) and "6 Steps to an Emotionally Intelligent Teenagers" (John Wiley & Sons). My latest two books, both published in 2006 are "The Fatherstyle Advantage" (Stewart, Tabori & Chang) and "Defusing High Conflict Divorce" (Impact Publishers). Articles about my work with parents has appeared in the New York Times, the Chicago Sun Times, the Detroit News and the Detroit Free Press.
My website at Jameswindell.com includes more information about me, my books and includes many columns I've written.
Education/Credentials B.A. in Psychology from Wayne State University
M.A. in Clinical Psychology from Oakland University
Awards and Honors Best Educational Program by Juvenile and Family Court Judges Association (National award for the development of a parent training program for parents of delinquent teenagers. Beth Clark Service Award from the Michigan Psychological Association.
Expert: James Windell Date: 6/26/2008 Subject: 3.5yr old son
Question I have a 3.5 yr old boy who is very strong willed. He's very independent and want to do things himself. We've been dealing with a couple of issues:
1. potty training. He's doing okay with going pee, but refuses to use the toilet for #2. He will run into his room and close the door to go. I've tried going in after him to try and take him to the potty, but he screams and throws a fit and will not go. Everyone says he will go when he is ready, so I've just let him do his thing. I do still try and take him to the potty for #2, and I talk to him about it and tell him that he is a big boy now and big boys need to go #2 on the potty and not in their pull ups.
My other issue: I'm not sure if this is because of being strong willed or what, but first off, he's a very hyper boy. Always wants to be on the go, whether its outside, etc. He can't ever seem to sit still. My husband and I are having a hard time with discipline. He doesn't want to listen to you at all. If I tell him no, he argues with me or just does what I just told him not to do. I've tried time out, taking things away, spanking (which is my very last resort, because I don't like to do that) but that is actually the only thing that does seem to get his attention for a little while anyway. I'm kind of afraid at this point with the not listening because its becoming a danger, he runs away and wont listen when you tell him to stop. Thank god we live on a dead end street because a few times he's walked onto the road from our drive way and when we tell him to stop he just keeps going and looks back at you while your telling him to stop. Its like he knows he's being defiant and doesn't care. He's also been aggressive at daycare with some of the other kids, pushing, and hitting his friends. This doesn't happen on a daily basis, but more than I'd like. There is a little boy at my sons daycare that has a OT person that comes to the daycare to work with him for some issues he's going through and my son was acting up that day, and the OT person asked my daycare teacher if my son's ever been evaluated? I'm not sure how him suppose to take that? or what she meant by that? what should I have him evaluated for? his temper? aggressiveness? Is there something wrong with my kid? or is this just typical 3.5 yr old behavior that we just need to really stay on top of? My son is an only child and maybe that is part of the problem, I don't know?. I work full time and my husband works for the fire department so he is gone every 3rd day for 24hrs. I feel guilty sometimes that I can't be home more with my child.
Any thoughts, suggestions, ideas would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks.
Answer Hello Marlene,
It's very unlikely that being an only child has anything to do with the issues you mention. His temperament probably does. Let's assume you are right that he is strong-willed, independent, and likes to be self-sufficient. Let's assume that he is also on the higher end of the activity scale.
Given those temperamental traits, one can assume that he wouldn't like to be told what to do. That will be true in most areas, including directions, rules, having to use the potty, and so on. He is also likely to be resistant to pressures and to the use of rewards. Spanking may seem to help because it temporarily stops a behavior.
As for potty training, I think you have to keep him in pullups during the day and discontinue trying to train him to use the potty. Instead, every so often when there is a milestone event coming up (birthday, anniversary, starting school or daycare), remind him that "big boys" who are four years old or go to preschool (etc.) use the potty and wear big boy underwear. Don't do anything more than this and wait for him to ask you to use the potty.
As for the OT asking if he'd been evaluated, I'd forget about this since it doesn't mean anything. What is he going to be evaluated for? You know everything you need to know or that's likely possible to know at his current age.
The issue of following directions and being compliant is an important one at times. Obviously, you don't want him doing dangerous things, like running into the street. He's much too young to understand the potential consequences of this "game." But you have to establish some rules. One of those rules should be that he must hold your hand when he is near a street. If he runs into a street, then he must go inside for a period of time. You just have to emphasize this over and over.
There is no magic in teaching compliance to children. You say the rules over and over. You tell him ahead of time what you expect ("When we go outside, you must hold my hand when we are near the street").
I would stop spanking him. This is extremely risky behavior with a boy with his temperament. He will become more aggressive in the long run if he is spanked, and you can not afford that with a boy who may already be prone to stubborn behavior, hyperactive behavior, and impulsive behavior.
I didn't answer all your questions, but I'd be glad to answer more in a future email.
Best,
James windell
