AboutJames Windell Expertise I can answer questions related to normal child development, disturbed behavior and how to provide appropriate guidance and discipline.
Experience I've been a clinical psychologist in a juvenile court, worked in school settings, been a child psychotherapist in a private psychiatric clinic and consulted with schools, courts, hospitals and daycare centers.
Organizations American Psychological Association
Michigan Psychological Association
Publications I have been a columnist with the Oakland Press (Oakland County, MI) for 21 years writing a weekly column called Coping With Kids, which is also published weekly in the Staten Island Advance. I have been a mental health columnist with the Detroit Free Press and a columnist for Working Mother Magazine. In addition, I have published articles in professional journals. I have published 12 books, among them are "8 Weeks to a Well-Behaved Child" (IDG Books), "Discipline: A Sourcebook of 50 Failsafe Techniques for Parents" (IDG Books); "Children Who Say No When You Want Them to Say Yes" (IDG Books), "What You Need to Know About Ritalin" (Bantam Books) and "6 Steps to an Emotionally Intelligent Teenagers" (John Wiley & Sons). My latest two books, both published in 2006 are "The Fatherstyle Advantage" (Stewart, Tabori & Chang) and "Defusing High Conflict Divorce" (Impact Publishers). Articles about my work with parents has appeared in the New York Times, the Chicago Sun Times, the Detroit News and the Detroit Free Press.
My website at Jameswindell.com includes more information about me, my books and includes many columns I've written.
Education/Credentials B.A. in Psychology from Wayne State University
M.A. in Clinical Psychology from Oakland University
Awards and Honors Best Educational Program by Juvenile and Family Court Judges Association (National award for the development of a parent training program for parents of delinquent teenagers. Beth Clark Service Award from the Michigan Psychological Association.
Expert: James Windell Date: 6/29/2008 Subject: Out of hand 3 year old
Question I have two children, Almost 3 and 7 months. My three year old is big into smaking and kicking me when I try to put her in time out or when I tell her its nap time. I have resorted to spankings but they don't seem to help. I also don't think that me spanking her after she hits me is the correct way of going about things but after she has hit me several times in a row I need her to understand that she can't do that. I have also taken away her favorite blanket and stuffed animals for the day when she hits me but she doesn't seem to care. Any suggestions would be helpful. Also note that she would never do these things to my husband and tells him that she knows she isn't suppossed to do itto me but then smirks when she is telling him how bad she was.
Answer Hello Danielle,
It's not uncommon for three-year-olds to be aggressive. However, I agree with you that hitting her back is not teaching her what you wish to teach her.
Obviously, your goal is to teach her to be more controlled and less aggressive. When parents get angry and spank or hit, I think this shows children that you are weak. I think this tends to be scary and unsettling for young children. They need to see your strength and they need to learn from that strength. Being controlled, calm, and assertive is a sign of strength.
Here's the approach I suggest:
1. Be prepared for her aggression. Position yourself when dealing with her so she can't hit you or kick you. If she swings at you, simply grab her wrist firmly to stop her from hitting you.
2. Say to her in a firm, slightly raised voice: "No hitting! Hitting hurts! We don't hit people when we get mad!"
3. At the same time, look her straight in the eyes and hold that direct eye contact for five to seven seconds.
4. Then tell her what you want: "When you are mad at Mommy, tell me what you are feeling, but don't hit. Put your feelings into words."
5. Then, ask her why she's mad. If she doesn't answer, then make an educated guess. "I think you were mad because I said it was time to take a nap, right?" If she indicates agreement, then say, "Then tell me that you don't want to take a nap. Put it into words. Say, "Mommy, I don't want to take a nap.'"
6. If she follows your modeling and direction and puts it into words, then give her praise for that.
7. Use this method consistently.
I think you will soon see a reduction in her aggressive behavior. Any questions?
James Windell
