AboutJames Windell Expertise I can answer questions related to normal child development, disturbed behavior and how to provide appropriate guidance and discipline.
Experience I've been a clinical psychologist in a juvenile court, worked in school settings, been a child psychotherapist in a private psychiatric clinic and consulted with schools, courts, hospitals and daycare centers.
Organizations American Psychological Association
Michigan Psychological Association
Publications I have been a columnist with the Oakland Press (Oakland County, MI) for 21 years writing a weekly column called Coping With Kids, which is also published weekly in the Staten Island Advance. I have been a mental health columnist with the Detroit Free Press and a columnist for Working Mother Magazine. In addition, I have published articles in professional journals. I have published 12 books, among them are "8 Weeks to a Well-Behaved Child" (IDG Books), "Discipline: A Sourcebook of 50 Failsafe Techniques for Parents" (IDG Books); "Children Who Say No When You Want Them to Say Yes" (IDG Books), "What You Need to Know About Ritalin" (Bantam Books) and "6 Steps to an Emotionally Intelligent Teenagers" (John Wiley & Sons). My latest two books, both published in 2006 are "The Fatherstyle Advantage" (Stewart, Tabori & Chang) and "Defusing High Conflict Divorce" (Impact Publishers). Articles about my work with parents has appeared in the New York Times, the Chicago Sun Times, the Detroit News and the Detroit Free Press.
My website at Jameswindell.com includes more information about me, my books and includes many columns I've written.
Education/Credentials B.A. in Psychology from Wayne State University
M.A. in Clinical Psychology from Oakland University
Awards and Honors Best Educational Program by Juvenile and Family Court Judges Association (National award for the development of a parent training program for parents of delinquent teenagers. Beth Clark Service Award from the Michigan Psychological Association.
Expert: James Windell Date: 7/2/2008 Subject: Consistant hitting and spitting at preschool
Question My daughter is 3.5 and is very aggressive at school. She is hitting and spitting at the other children. She ignores the teacher(s) when she is being reprimanded. They started a sticker reward system and if she received all five of her stickers, I took her to the toy store. It worked for one week. Before the sticker/toy store system, we took away her TV which meant she could not watch in the car on the way home from school, at home or when she went to sleep at night. It is kinda hard now because I have a son who is now into watching TV in the car and at home. It isn't right to take the TV away from him for her bad behavior. We have also spanked her for bad reports from school. Nothing seems to be working. Do you have any other suggestions? Thank you, Karen Hudson
Answer Hello Karen,
I do have a few suggestions for you:
1. Aggressive children should be absolutely restricted from all TV and videos. Young children are found to be more aggressive even when they are exposed to the so-called "children's programming." Therefore, my first suggesstion is that she should never watch any TV or any video. Not as punishment, but as a way of helping her learn to control herself.
2. Many children do not react as well to rewards as often expected. However, rewards must be given in the best possible way. That best way for a young child is immediately for desired and appropriate behavior.
For example, if the teacher is going to use rewards, you should supply the teacher with a great many small, inexpensive toys or items that your daughter enjoys. When the teacher finds her playing well with others, being kind, listening to the teacher, etc., she should immediately give her one of the rewards. Along with the reward, the teacher should say something like, "You're playing with Michelle. I like that! Here's something for you."
If the teacher chooses to stick to a sticker system, then the same "immediate reward" rule should apply. If she finds her doing something that needs a reward (in order to increase the chances that that behavior will be repeated in the future), then she should allow your daughter to put the sticker on the chart ("As a special treat for playing so well with others, you get to put a shiny red star on the chart!"). If she accumulates a certain number of stickers (small number in the beginning, an increasing number as time goes on), then she gets a reward (not a punishment!) at the end of the school day (administered by you or the teacher).
A reward should always be followed by verbal praise and attention.
3. But how do you handle bad behavior, you ask. Right? Well, if you are rewarding good behavior, then good behavior will increase, crowding out bad behavior. Bad behavior should be ignored, so she gets no attention (attention equals reward) for unwanted behavior.
However, if you and the teacher feel you must do something about bad behavior, then simply remove her from what she was doing (say, playing with other children) for a few minutes. Little needs be said. Until she is allowed a few minutes later to return to play ("You can play with the other children. I want to see you playing in a kind way with others").
4. Besides rewards, praise and ignoring, the teacher could actually use strategies of teaching to help your daughter improve her behavior.
That is, if the teacher observes her hitting another child, she should be down on the floor with your daughter and say, "No hitting! Hitting hurts! If you are mad at Michelle, tell her or tell me. Put it in words. Like this, 'Michelle, I'm mad at you when you don't share.' Now you try it. Say, 'Michelle, I'm mad at you when you don't share.'"
When she says that, then give her praise ("Yes! Good job. You told Michelle how you feel!").
The teacher can also demonstrate other things to your daughter: How to ask for what she wants, how to settle a dispute, how to walk away, etc. After demonstrating, she should have your daughter practice, then give her verbal feedback. And praise when she does it right.
