AboutHolly Cihla Expertise I am a mother of two girls, ages 2 years and 8 years. I have worked with children of varying abilities and ages for over sixteen years and am currently teaching junior high special education. I can answer questions on infant feedings, sleeping habits, play, developmental milestones and behavior and issues with school age children that include school, learning, behavior and home issues. I can also help you with wheat and gluten allergy diets as my youngest has a wheat allergy.
I CANNOT answer medical diagnosis questions, or things of that nature. If it is a medical issue, or you are just not sure, I always suggest checking in with a pediatrician.
Experience Experience in the area: I am a mother of a 2 year old daughter and an 8 year old daughter. I have worked with children of all ages for the last sixteen years in various forms. I have worked in the day care setting, as a nanny, at summer camps, and as a liason for families with children that have neuromuscular disease. I am currently a special education teacher that specializes in learning disabilities and minor behavior disorders. Organizations: I am a member of Kappa Delta Pi. I volunteer with the Children's Miracle Network and Children's Hospital. Education/Credentials: I have a bachelor's degree in special education and have been trained in the PBIS Behavior Method (Positive Behavior Intervention Strategies).
Expert: Holly Cihla Date: 7/14/2008 Subject: uncontrolled tantrums in my 4 year old
Question HI
I am a new single mother with 3 girls ages 10 , 8 , and 4. My husband and I separated in February. I was a stay at home Mom up until the separation and now have gone back to working days ( I used to work 2-3 evenings a week when I was with my husband). My problem is with my 4 year old. I do understand that alot in her world has changed and that it is scary for her but it is getting out of control lately. She was attending pre-school at the time of our separation and refused to go any more so I let her stop going because she still had to go to the sitters.
Her tantrums are disrupting everyday life for my other girls...we are all embarrassed and I feel guilty feeling that way...I have tried to catch her before it gets to the breaking point and on occasion it will work , however if it doesn't we are in for it. We recently had to attend my Grandmother's funeral and she proceeded to have a serious meltdown everyday. It was frustrating and humiliating and I don't know what else to do. I should also let you know that she does stutter and it gets worse when she is upset or excited...I try to keep her calm but she is frustrated that she can't get the words out and gets more upset if I try to help her with what she is trying to say. I have a cousin getting married in 2 weeks and the older 2 girls are very excited to go but I am considering canceling as I don't think I can handle her in that situation again. The wedding is out of town and we would be going up with my parents to save gas money so the option of just leaving if she misbehaves is not there.
I would also like to tell you that my girls father is not a very consistent factor in their lives. He does call them everyday and will stop by once a week to spend 30 minutes or so with them but in the 5 months that he has been gone he has only had them overnight twice and both times theyweren't even gone for 18 hours. My daughter has real separation issues with me...I need to tell everyone she stays with , regardless of whether it's a sitter or Grandma or her Dad the "Cali never never never want to come here never never again she wants to stay at home".
I would appreciate any advice you could give me or any direction to other help.
Thank- you
Answer Michelle-
thank you for the question. I am going to agree that a lot has changed in your little girl's world. She is having trouble dealing with all the changes, it sounds like. Children at that age have difficulty in handling their emotions, thus the tantrums. Hers are probably out of control based upon everything that she is dealing with. Her father is suddenly not in her life anymore, mom is working now and no more preschool. Please do not feel as if it is your fault though. Circumstances could not be helped.
I like the fact that you try to head things off at the pass before it gets out of hand. It's a good strategy as long as you're not catering to her every whim. Some things to keep in mind as you attempt this: keep your voice calm and quiet. When you elevate your voice she not only shuts out what you are saying to her, it will escalate her behavior. Keep your body language open and accepting. Crossing your arms or putting your hands on your hips indicates tension, anger and a threat. Keep them at your sides, or if necessary, behind your back. Try to get on her level and look right into her eyes. You can calmly ask her to look at you which will force her to focus. If she is unable to, continue to talk quietly and calmly to her. She may just need that time to blow off the steam and then you can talk with her.
I would try to set up a pretty rigid schedule so that she has predictability and a sense of sameness in her life. Kids need that, and she might feel a little out of control right now. If you need to, make up a visual schedule and post it on the fridge. This way she can check it and see what's coming next. You should also try to forewarn her of plans about an hour ahead if possible. "Susan, we need to go to the grocery store today. I will let you play for awhile then we will go." This prepares her ahead of time. You can do this with behavior as well. If you're going into a situation that in the past has caused a tantrum, tell her exactly what you're doing and exactly what kind of behavior you expect of her during that situation. Kids like to meet expectations, so praise her greatly when she does what's expected of her.
You could try putting her on a sticker chart for behavior. I would break it up into two sections: morning and after lunch. If she makes it through the morning with one or no incidents, she gets a sticker. The same for after lunch. At the end of the week, if she's got all her stickers, she gets a treat. It can be something as small as a bag of M&M's, or an ice cream cone after dinner. Let her choose the stickers and let her put the stickers on her chart. This gives her ownership of the behavior and outcome. This can be done at the sitter's as well.
As far as the wedding goes, I would plan on attending. I would spend some talking with your daughter about how special it is and how much fun she will have, but also include little hints on how she should behave while there. Bring the sticker chart with you if you need to. Be prepared to hit a bathroom if she should have a meltdown. Let her have the meltdown in the bathroom, that way no one is disturbed. I think people are more disturbed by that behavior if the parent does nothing about it.
You could look into getting her some counseling for the separation issues if you feel they are really bad. It might help and her pediatrician could refer you. On a side note, with the stuttering, if you haven't already had her speech screened, I would consider doing so. If she qualifies for speech, they can give her some help with not only the stutter, but with coping skills for the stuttering. It may ease some of her frustration. Your doctor can make a referral for the speech evaluation.
I hope I was helpful. If not, or if you've other questions, please feel free to write back or contact another volunteer on this site. I wish you both luck!
