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About James Windell
Expertise
I can answer questions related to normal child development, disturbed behavior and how to provide appropriate guidance and discipline.
Experience
I've been a clinical psychologist in a juvenile court, worked in school settings, been a child psychotherapist in a private psychiatric clinic and consulted with schools, courts, hospitals and daycare centers.
Organizations
American Psychological Association
Michigan Psychological Association
Publications
I have been a columnist with the Oakland Press (Oakland County, MI) for 21 years writing a weekly column called Coping With Kids, which is also published weekly in the Staten Island Advance. I have been a mental health columnist with the Detroit Free Press and a columnist for Working Mother Magazine. In addition, I have published articles in professional journals. I have published 12 books, among them are "8 Weeks to a Well-Behaved Child" (IDG Books), "Discipline: A Sourcebook of 50 Failsafe Techniques for Parents" (IDG Books); "Children Who Say No When You Want Them to Say Yes" (IDG Books), "What You Need to Know About Ritalin" (Bantam Books) and "6 Steps to an Emotionally Intelligent Teenagers" (John Wiley & Sons). My latest two books, both published in 2006 are "The Fatherstyle Advantage" (Stewart, Tabori & Chang) and "Defusing High Conflict Divorce" (Impact Publishers). Articles about my work with parents has appeared in the New York Times, the Chicago Sun Times, the Detroit News and the Detroit Free Press.
My website at Jameswindell.com includes more information about me, my books and includes many columns I've written.
Education/Credentials
B.A. in Psychology from Wayne State University
M.A. in Clinical Psychology from Oakland University
Awards and Honors
Best Educational Program by Juvenile and Family Court Judges Association (National award for the development of a parent training program for parents of delinquent teenagers. Beth Clark Service Award from the Michigan Psychological Association.
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You are here: Experts > Parenting/Family > Parenting of Multiples > Parenting--Toddlers/Infants/Pre-Schoolers > Parenting -Toddler
Expert: James Windell - 11/4/2009
Question
Hello, am a single parent of a 2 1/2 yr old son, I lost my hubby before my son was born. My son is very active, and is become very naughty, I try to make him understand nicely, when he does something wrong but he just won't listen and would do the same thing again, if I move him away from that thing he will do some other mischief so much that I lose my patient and hit him. Now when I hit or even when I don't hit but just scolds he trys hitting back. He would keep hitting his grany though his granny would never raise a hand on him but he would never stop. If I telll him not to do certain things which , he will say NO. please help me to cope up with my child. I don't want to hit him, but sometimes I just loose my control and hit him and then sit and cry.
Answer
Hello Piya,
It is difficult being a single parent. However, whether you are a single parent or not, raising a toddler is very difficult.
Toddlers are in the processing of learning how to control their emotions and their behavior. They don't seem to pay attention and they don't seem to learn very quickly -- no matter how you discipline.
Nonetheless, discipline and patience is very important in helping your son develop emotional regulation. You should also be aware that your son's behavior is not unusual at all. Many, many other toddlers act in the same way.
Here are some suggestions for helping you cope with your son:
1. Stop hitting him. Hitting is not effective discipline and it teaches him to be aggressive. You want him to stop being aggressive; you don't want him to learn to react to all his frustrations and anger by striking out at others.
2. When he hits, say, "No hitting! Hitting hurts. Put your feelings into words. Tell me when you are angry."
3. Don't let him hit you. That is, hold his hand or back away from him so he can't hit you.
4. Use praise and attention when he deals with a situation in an appropriate way. If he listens to you or obeys you, then make sure you give him praise and physical attention for that.
5. When you give him a direction or command, look him in the eye and be very simple, clear, and direct: "Pick up your toy and put it in the toy box." If he complies, use praise; if he doesn't comply, repeat the command and wait until he does comply. Then use praise.
6. Ignore most of his mischief and misbehavior. Only scold him if he has done some kind of serious or dangerous misbehavior (such as run away from you into a street or hit someone).
7. Ignore him when he says, "No." Proceed as if he didn't say no. At times you can make a joke of him saying no. For instance, you could react like this: "Did I hear you say no? You like saying no, don't you. It's fun to say no." Then engage him in a positive activity -- like playing or cuddling. Remember that toddlers have to say no because they are learning to assert their independence and individuality.
8. Use a combination of discipline approaches. You can use distraction and redirection. Use lots of praise and attention. Do a lot of ignoring.
9. Keep your frustration under control. Remind yourself frequently that he is only two years old. Tell yourself that he is normal. Remember that he is learning from you. If you model patience for him, he will learn to be patient. Get plenty of rest and exercise so you can cope with an active boy.
I hope this helps. Let me know what other questions you have.
Best,
James Windell
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