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About James Windell
Expertise
I can answer questions related to normal child development, disturbed behavior and how to provide appropriate guidance and discipline.
Experience
I've been a clinical psychologist in a juvenile court, worked in school settings, been a child psychotherapist in a private psychiatric clinic and consulted with schools, courts, hospitals and daycare centers.
Organizations
American Psychological Association
Michigan Psychological Association
Publications
I have been a columnist with the Oakland Press (Oakland County, MI) for 21 years writing a weekly column called Coping With Kids, which is also published weekly in the Staten Island Advance. I have been a mental health columnist with the Detroit Free Press and a columnist for Working Mother Magazine. In addition, I have published articles in professional journals. I have published 12 books, among them are "8 Weeks to a Well-Behaved Child" (IDG Books), "Discipline: A Sourcebook of 50 Failsafe Techniques for Parents" (IDG Books); "Children Who Say No When You Want Them to Say Yes" (IDG Books), "What You Need to Know About Ritalin" (Bantam Books) and "6 Steps to an Emotionally Intelligent Teenagers" (John Wiley & Sons). My latest two books, both published in 2006 are "The Fatherstyle Advantage" (Stewart, Tabori & Chang) and "Defusing High Conflict Divorce" (Impact Publishers). Articles about my work with parents has appeared in the New York Times, the Chicago Sun Times, the Detroit News and the Detroit Free Press.
My website at Jameswindell.com includes more information about me, my books and includes many columns I've written.
Education/Credentials
B.A. in Psychology from Wayne State University
M.A. in Clinical Psychology from Oakland University
Awards and Honors
Best Educational Program by Juvenile and Family Court Judges Association (National award for the development of a parent training program for parents of delinquent teenagers. Beth Clark Service Award from the Michigan Psychological Association.
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You are here: Experts > Parenting/Family > Parenting of Multiples > Parenting--Toddlers/Infants/Pre-Schoolers > child behavior changes
Expert: James Windell - 11/2/2009
Question
i recently became engaged and have let my fiance move in with my almost 4 year old twin sons, with whom it has only been us three from the beginning. one of my sons immediately became attached to my fiance because i feel he knew he was missing "something" in his life, a father figure. Their father has neglected them since birth. My other son out of the blue decided he wanted to start staying the night with my parents. This has never happened before and was quite shocking to me. None of my attention towards my boys has changed and if anything, I am actually more protective and attentive than ever because I dont want them hurt. Well, my fiance changed his work schedule to where he is away 7 days and nights strait and on his stretch off, he has payed no attention to my kids, this is a huge and devistational change to them and myself. Its like he was here every pm playing with them, helping me with them and being like a father to them and then poof, hes gone. it really hurt them and me. ive really become emotionally detached from him and i really dont know if it will be fixable considering my kids got hurt. he said he changed his schedule so his son and all of us could be together more, reality is is that i do not have a long stretch off, my mother still watches my sons because on his days off he leaves and doesnt return until i get home from work. and he and his son stay at his place and do "father son" things alone. now that he sees that we are hurt and probably i am beyond repair, he wants to try and change but i dont trust him not to do it again. imjust wondering i guess if you think it is better for my kids emotional health for him to move out and visit periodically until i see that hell be consistant or lay low and try to let him bond again with my kids and hope he doesnt hurt them again? i hope this made sense to you. thank you
Answer
Hello Kelly,
There's always a danger if you introduce your children to a new person that that person may not be around very long. This is what you've learned from your fiance.
I think the better course at this point is to not allow your fiance to live with you until a consistent relationship between he and your sons is established. As you already saw, your sons reacted to him moving in -- one in a positive way; one in a negative way. However, you should not put your sons' emotional health in danger.
Your fiance should be kept at a distance from them until he has a solid, consistent relationship with both of them. He should not become a father/parental figure, but a friend. Maybe that could change well after you are married. In the meantime, strive for consistent interactions between him and your boys.
Any questions?
James Windell
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