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About Elizabeth Norris
Expertise
I would like to help you raise children who are respectful and responsible and who seek positive outcomes for themselves and their interactions with others. Each child has their own learning style and each family has their own individual culture. I look for creative ways to address problems or concerns that arise when guiding young children. I am an Early Childhood Special Education teacher and work providing support and ideas to families of young children in the home. I have an understanding of typical and delayed development and can identify red flags in children who can benefit from specialized services. I also teach positive parenting courses to help parents understand why children misbehave and to develop strategies to effectively respond to those behaviors while honoring individual family values. I have a specific interest in children labeled as difficult, attention deficit or oppositional defiant. I am committed to finding ways children can positively participate in family or community activities. I empathize with children who don’t feel they are fitting in and for parents who worry and feel criticized. I have a sense of humor and look for ways to reduce frustration and to foster playful interactions.

Experience
As a young child I experienced learning disabilities and had trouble fitting in. I was later diagnosed as dyslexic. My own daughter experienced similar issues and we were simultaneously diagnosed with attention deficit disorder. I have enjoyed working with children, especially those with special needs, for over 30 years. I have provided respite care, emergency foster care coached special Olympics and taught adaptive aquatics. I Worked full time as a classroom aide in a high school special education classroom prior to earning my teaching certificate. I have taught 5th grade, kindergarten and both integrated and self contained special education preschool classes. I have consulted to private preschools and Head Start classrooms regarding mainstreaming children with special needs. I currently work as an Early Childhood Special Education Teacher and provide home visits to families of developmentally delayed children ages birth to three. I am familiar with programs available to support families who have special education needs. I am particularly interested in supporting children labeled as difficult and fostering supportive environments for learning. I teach positive parenting courses in rural communities.

Organizations
Parenting with Love and Logic INC. Special Olympics

Publications
Good Day Bad Day an inspirational story published in the book Why I Teach.

Education/Credentials
BS Elementary Education University of Oregon 1989 45 hours of graduate coursework in Special Education Oregon Educational Association certified in Early Childhood Special Education. Various teaching strategies and programs for language, cognitive, motor and social development. Strategies to assist families with children who demonstrate challenging behaviors. Parenting with Love and Logic facilitator.

Awards and Honors
Graduated University of Oregon with honors 1989

Past/Present Clients
Public regular education classrooms. Children and families with developmental disabilities. Children and families with behavior challenges. Parents who want to learn new parenting strategies. Parents who are court ordered to attend behavior management courses. Consultation to private and public preschool programs. Professional development to teachers.

You are here: Experts > Parenting/Family > Parenting of Multiples > Parenting--Toddlers/Infants/Pre-Schoolers > toddler defiance

Pre-Schoolers - toddler defiance

Expert: Elizabeth Norris - 11/4/2009

Question
I have a daughter who will turn 3 in December. For most of the last year, she has been in a phase of constant negativity and defiance. She says no to everything I say, and I mean everything. If I mention in passing that it's a nice day out, she will respond that it's NOT a nice day. This also makes her extremely uncooperative, and whatever she perceives that I want her do do, she will dig inher heels and refuse to do.

I have tried every trick in the parenting book. I give her two choices: pink pants or red pants. This might work for a day, but then she "gets it" and goes back to insisting on going out in freezing cold weather in no pants at all. (And she can't just stay home, as she has to go to daycare while I work.) I've done reverse psychology, and told her she can't wear pants. I've tried Harvey Karp's method for reflecting back feelings (which worked GREAT with my older daughter at this age) and it just makes her madder. Needless to say, she has huge tantrums, and the only thing I can do is ignore her until they pass.

She occasionally has weeks where she is sunny and cooperative and a lot of fun to be around. She is very self-directed, and can spend long periods of time coloring or playing a game. She is very smart and has a good vocabulary. But her intelligence seems to let her figure out every technique I try to use to get her to do just the basic things like getting dressed, eating, and bathing, and once she recognizes the trick, she goes right back to refusing everything.

This may be too vague to answer. But any assistance you could offer would be very appreciated.

Answer
Hi Megan, Oh glory, you have a intelligent little one!   Like her mother, she is a problem solver. It sounds like you explore your options and are willing to try new ways of doing things. Those skills serve you well, and they will serve your daughter well also.
I have a reminder posted above my desk at work, it says; unsolicited advise is always perceived as criticism. Your daughter does not want your advise, she is strong willed and will not accept what she perceives as being told is not correct. Arguments and power struggles are her way of telling you she does not need to be told what to do or to be corrected.   Avoid power struggles as much as possible, should you enter into one, you must win at all costs, so tread carefully. She has demonstrated she is up for the fight and chances are has more staying power.
To avoid power struggles, tell her what you will do, not what she needs to do. For example, you can say, my car is leaving at 7am, I wonder if you will be riding with clothes on or in the bag I put by the door.   Another example; I will be serving dinner to kids who have toys picked up, to kids who talk sweet, to kids who........
She intrinsically knows she can't make you do anything (just like you are learning you can't make her do stuff) so it implies she gets to decide what to do. It takes practice but it works. Check out a web site loveandlogic.com for more examples and resources. They refer to this technique as making enforceable statements. You can enforce what you do so she can't argue with that. I use a sense of humor with my kids, I might say, I will not be arguing about TV time today, maybe tomorrow you will be more lucky.
It is important to ignore anything snippy she gives as a comeback. If her snippy statements do not get traction, she will try something more effective and pleasant.
The idea here is teaching her to make decisions for herself. She would like you to make all the decisions then she can argue about them and get a feeling of control. By taking control, she is making a problem for you instead of learning to solve problems for herself and which do not create havoc for others. Reinforce her thinking through problems. Tell her you like the way she is thinking, you hope it works for her even if you know it won't.
Another technique is to ask her what her plans are. I would ask my kids what they had planned for after dinner. I was always amazed by them stating all the stuff they are supposed to do, like cleaning up, bath, home work etc. I could respond by saying I liked their plan but think they should also plan something fun to do also. In this way, I got go be the nice guy instead of the dreaded enforcer. The kids learn to monitor themselves and feel good about their accomplishments they took responsibility for. You can guess, with practice, by the time kids are older, they are skilled at making good decisions and you do not have to police them. There will be many times when you will not be there to tell them what to do, so learning now how to do things for themselves makes the transition of giving them your car keys some day all the easier. Scary huh?
Again, this takes practice, remember to say what you will do and be willing to let her make mistakes, it's those mistakes that help us learn. We wish kids would learn from our own words of wisdom but they don't. The mistakes she will make as a 4 year old old are much less dangerous than the mistakes she would make as a young adult if she never got a chance to learn for herself.
I hope this helps, it's a different way of thinking about parenting, your are not the authority, you take care of yourself. It takes practice but the great thing about kids like your daughter, they give you all the opportunities you need to get it right. Remember to smile about having a great kid that will make a difference some day, she is a keeper for sure!

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