Parenting--Toddlers/Infants/Pre-Schoolers/I have childhood related issues


Hello Dr.I know you have expertise in child psychology and I am a woman in my late 20s,but I think my issue is due some stuff I went through all my childhood.First off,I am a perfectionist I try to do/be my best in everything,I had to be the best friend,best daughter,best sister,best in studies,best in looks....the list is never ending but now I have come to understand this is impossible,and I am cool with it mostly,yeah but its difficult for me to show this to people other than my parents or husband.
 The problem is however despite me being the best daughter my mother could have,she always blamed me for everything wrong with her life,with her relationships etc,I was 11 when this all started before this she was not like that.I think she took a lot of stress throughout her life and couldn't take it past some point,but she  took it all out on me,I used to be a very sweet girl never cursed,never wished bad for anyone(like straight out of disney movies)well  1-2 years after this started I just cried and did nothing,it didn't melt my mother's heart,she kept doing it and still i tried to do things her way but still she would pick something that i did wrong and start cursing me,lash out to me in anger,even started hitting me,my father was not at home,he used to work all day,well then I once snapped and said blah blah everything I had in my mind to my mom,and she was shocked,that i could say anything back to her.well she took and pause and was cool for few days then statred again but i couldn't control i started replying to her constant,blaming and punishing me for things i didn't do things i was unable to do at that age ,like cooking,washing clothes e.g.and it made me into a person I was not inside.and somewhere in this I didn't receive the love i needed to have a normal childhood,adolescence,teenage,and young adulthood...I became a very angry person,but later we found out my mother had some psychological issues but i don't know why she always lashed out on me or my father but not my other siblings.well after her treatment started she became well and became a better human,I must say she cared for me the most.I know somewhere in that anger she wished the best for me but couldn't control herself.
I became a much cooler person too I didn't get angry easily,i was better but after I got married I was fine we did have some fights but I was fine,but now we fight but I am  a lot angrier than i used to be and I scream,i shout i break things at home,my husband gets crazy when i do that but i cant control,I am doing exactly what i wished i would never do,when i used to see other couples' fight i used to think what jerks,how do they suppose to love each other when they say such mean stuff,and shout ,scream,break things etc.
I get embarrassed for my behavior later on ,I will never want anyone to see me like that.Well coz I am so perfect(haha)...
anyway this time i took time to think what happened to me,what made me so crazy so destructive ,and i figured out it was a little fight going on and my hubby was saying to me you didn't do this you didn't do that(well i did everything)but it just made me so crazy,and then i realized it was exactly what used to happen to me in childhood,actually i am so scared to get blamed for anything that i cant even take it if someone blames me for something very trivial it makes me out of control angry,and this is the reason I try to do everything perfectly and not achieving this goal of being perfect i.e. not doing something the correct way or desired way makes me ill.sick.sour.I cant take it especially from someone I love like my hubby.
I just want to know how to be cool with it, what if someone says you didn't do this.although i had?I shouldn't bother me
Or if someone blames me for something that id dint my neighbors saying you threw this in our home etc?It shouldn't make me unable to think and become a destructive creature.
What can i do,how to remind myself to count to 10 when i am angry,i am so angry and so destructive that its hard so remember all this bull.
please advice me something,how do small children get over issues and i can't.

Hello Arish,
I am sorry to hear about your anger issues that have been around for so many years. It would probably be best if you could have a supportive counselor that you could see regularly to help you deal with your issues. However, I can offer a few words of advice.
 While counting to 10 doesn't work well for many people, relaxation methods often are excellent ways of controlling yourself in stressful situations (such as when someone is critical of you). I would suggest that you buy a CD that teaches you progressive relaxation. They are available in some stores and online. With a good progressive relaxation CD, listen to it and practice one to two times a day for several weeks. The goal is to be able to instantly make yourself relaxed whenever you feel stress or anger. You can get to this point through regular practice of progressive relaxation.
Another very important thing to do is to start using a relaxation method before you get mad. Usually, there is a build up to anger. It's usually not that you get angry when someone says something critical, but after they say several things, then you get more angry. Then, it is too late to do anything. Learn to recognize the usual triggers to your anger, and begin to use progressive relaxation at the first sign -- while you are still in control of your actions.
I hope this helps.
James Windell  


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James Windell


I can answer questions related to normal child development, disturbed behavior and how to provide appropriate guidance and discipline.


I've been a clinical psychologist in a juvenile court, worked in school settings, been a child psychotherapist in a private psychiatric clinic and consulted with schools, courts, hospitals and daycare centers.

American Psychological Association
Michigan Psychological Association

I have been a columnist with the Oakland Press (Oakland County, MI) for 21 years writing a weekly column called Coping With Kids, which is also published weekly in the Staten Island Advance. I have been a mental health columnist with the Detroit Free Press and a columnist for Working Mother Magazine. In addition, I have published articles in professional journals. I have published 16 books, among them are "8 Weeks to a Well-Behaved Child" (IDG Books), "Discipline: A Sourcebook of 50 Failsafe Techniques for Parents" (IDG Books); "Children Who Say No When You Want Them to Say Yes" (IDG Books), "What You Need to Know About Ritalin" (Bantam Books) "6 Steps to an Emotionally Intelligent Teenagers" (John Wiley & Sons), "The Fatherstyle Advantage" (Stewart, Tabori & Chang) and "Defusing High Conflict Divorce" (Impact Publishers). My latest parenting book (2012) is "The Everything Child Psychology and Development Book." Articles about my work with parents has appeared in the New York Times, the Chicago Sun Times, the Detroit News and the Detroit Free Press. My website at includes more information about me, my books and includes many columns I've written.

B.A. in Psychology from Wayne State University
M.A. in Clinical Psychology from Oakland University

Awards and Honors
Best Educational Program by Juvenile and Family Court Judges Association (National award for the development of a parent training program for parents of delinquent teenagers. Beth Clark Service Award from the Michigan Psychological Association.

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