Parenting--Toddlers/Infants/Pre-Schoolers/Hi i have an issue and its depressing me
QUESTION: My name is lauren. Im 29 years old.i wasnt expecting my 30 year old boyfriend to say that he doesnt want kids. I was shocked. I dont kno if we can talk about it.hope we can cause i cant find anyone on here that i can talk about it with. I wasnt expecting that answer and im almost 30 and time is running out. I really want kids bad with him. Is it normal to feel jealous when i see other babies. He tells me hes afraid im going to leave him with the kid.why would i do that? Im so upset about this. I dont want to get in a fight with him about it. I love kids. I want to qork with them someday. Im good with kids.birtj defects can happen past 30. Ill be ready next year. I looked up 30 is the ideal age. Im so upset i feel like crying. Hpw do i talk to him about it. He did mention we coulf wait a few years. I cant. I domt want my baby to be unhealthy. I want a happy healthy baby.
First off, let me explain my family. I first wanted to have kids when I was 15, but waited and wanted to be ready and on my own. I had my first child at 27 years old. Great pregnancy, easy labor (no epidural). My next child was 3 months preemie by emergency c-section a week short of a year later. My 3rd child was stillborn 3 months early. Then I had a full term healthy boy at 32, a miscarriage at 33, a full term healthy boy at 34, another at 36, another at 38 and just had my 5th son this past February, 2 weeks before turning 40.
Although they state that risks of birth defects can increase over age 30, it's not a guarantee that your child will have problems if you wait. I swore that I would never have kids after age 30 because I wanted to have the energy to keep up with them. What I've found is they keep me young.
I also have 2 friends, one who had a 2 month healthy preemie at age 40 and one who is pregnant with her second child at 38 years old (her other child is 14). A lot more women are waiting before having kids.
Having said that, my first thoughts are: 1) how long have you two been together? Are you in love with each other, or could your feelings be based on 'I'm with him because I'm nearing the age I wanted to have my child' 2) do you have long term plans (marriage)? Even if you aren't discussing marriage yet, are your relationship goals long term and are you on the same page with everything else you both want in life? 3) have you asked him why he would prefer to wait? Perhaps his reason could be financial, wanting to own a home instead of renting first for stability or having a particular length of time at 1 job for security to provide for a child.
It is normal to feel jealous seeing babies. I went through that myself. I had to keep reminding myself that I wanted to be able to provide for them and had to have myself in position to do that first...but yes, there was a lot of 'that could be me' and 'is that what mine will look/act like'.
Try talking about it with him at a time where both of you are clear headed and calm. See why his thoughts are to wait. Email me back if you need.
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QUESTION: Im ready. Ive got the money. Its veey depressing the answer he gave me. I want to have my first kid with him next year. We been together for 5 years. We love eachother. I want one so bad. I really want a girl too. I only want two kids. A boy and a girl. Then im done. Two is enough. Id be a great mom and he would be a great dad.
Don't pressure him as it will more than likely make him want one even less. Perhaps babysitting a niece/nephew (or a friend's child) now and then, or signing up with Care.com or something in your area might help. If you're around kids, it may help you with some of the overwhelming feelings of maternal instinct and it may help him some too seeing the interaction. Even before I had my first, a friend of mine had 3 kids and I would take her kids for a weekend every month to give her a break and help me with my "child-wanting". I also volunteered to do kids hair in our neighborhood (there were a lot of black and bi-racial kids where braiding hair is very popular) and the friend who I kept her kids, I would braid and bead her daughter's hair ever week. Although I can understand how you feel about what you want and how many, remember that ultimately it's God's decision. I always wanted a boy first. My first 3 pregnancies were girls. I was disappointed when I had my ultrasound with my first and found out it was a girl, that's how bad I wanted a boy - but once she was born and I held her the first time, I wouldn't have traded it for anything in the world.