Expert: Evelyn Petersen - 12/8/2004

Question
Dear Evelyn,

My two-year old daughter is EXTREMELY independent and despite my strong protestations, my mother-in-law insists this is a result of how I've brought her up rather than her personality.

Well, maybe she's right to some extent: whenever my daughter, Olivia, has shown signs of wanting to do things for herself, I've let her try, helping her out only when she signals she needs help.  My mother-in-law, on the other hand, is the old-fashioned type who believes in handling children like babies for as long as possible.  One small case in point: she would insist on feeding my daughter (much to my annoyance) long after Olivia had mastered the art of feeding herself!  (Unfortunately, this is just one small example from a LONG list – I could probably write a book about it!)

Anyway, this got me thinking about how there comes a time in our lives when we have to go against our natural mothering instinct – no matter how hard it is - of wanting to protect and do things for our little ones, so that they can grow into confident, self-reliant, capable human beings.  

I'm so stirred by this topic that the editor of a local expat-parenting magazine (“The New Stork Times” in Switzerland) has agreed to let me write an article on this very subject.  (I'm not a professional journalist, just a mum who enjoys writing and is passionate about good parenting).  Therefore, would you allow me to ask you a few questions on this subject and let me quote you in my article?  I will, of course, give full attribution to you and highlight your qualifications and website.

Should you agree to my request, my questions would be:

1.   When should we start encouraging our little ones' journey towards independence?
2.   In what ways can we support our children's exploration of their budding capabilities?
3.   What message(s) are we transmitting to our children by (not) letting them do things for themselves?
4.   Where do we draw the line?
5.   Is it instinct that makes it difficult for mothers to let go and if so, how do we cope with it without it being detrimental to our children?  

Thank you for bearing with me and for your time and I look forward to your reply.

With warmest wishes,

Melanie Bucher
Switzerland

Answer
Dear Melanie,
(I put my credits at the end of this letter.)
I agree with you completely; children should be encouraged to be independent about such things as dressing, undressing, hygiene and eating, etc.  You can begin encouraging these things whenever the baby or toddler indicates interest and readiness.  For example a toddler  will learn to undress before how to dress; its' easier.  If you model using a cup and spoon, the baby will want to copy you and will learn quickly to eat independently.

With young children you can break down complex tasks into simple small steps so that they can learn a little at a time, feeling both success and challenge.  Your encouragement or praise will always lead then to the next step in self help skills, which are the important foundaton of many other types of independence skills.

Children's self esteem is developed and impacted by many small steps in independence, just as it is nurtured by your smiles, hugs and praise.  Self esteem is based on both feeling loveable (feeing loved just because they exist) and feeling capable or competent.  They need both kinds of feelings to grow healthy confidence and esteem.  

When children are not allowed to learn self help skills, they might begin to feel incompetent. Worse, they might just form the habit of letting someone else do everything for them.  A rule of thumb is to let them do all that they can do, and help as needed.  

When another well-meaning adult tries to do something for your child that he/she is quite capable of doing, you must step in and say that you are the one who is ultimately responsible for your child's growth and long term best interest.  Feeling both capable and loveable IS in your child's best interest.

Remember that children need praise for things intrinsic to their personalities like perseverence, humor, and intuitiveness, (making them feel loveable) but they also need praise for achievements of all kinds, including self help skills and being able to understand your rules and expectations and cooperate with you.    

You, as the parent and adult, are making the decisions behind all these independent experiences.  Because you are responsible for the health and well being and long term best interests of your child, you decide such matters as hygiene, (washing hands and brushing teeth and appropriate clothing for the weather).  You decide on nutritional foods to serve and eat, and you decide on the proper bedtime, along with a bedtime routine.  

Two's are likely to test you on your rules, because this is somehting they need to try, in order to learn what your rules really are.  During these power struggles, they are actually fulfilling a need...a need to have your limits and to know you are in charge; limits make them feel secure and confident.  That feeling of security is also part of healthy self-esteem.

One of our major jobs as parents is to raise children who can eventually stand on their own and make their way in life on their own with positive attitudes, confidence, self discipline and a sense of resonsibility.  We must remember in raising children that we start out making decisions that are in their best long term interest, but along the way, we must teach them how to make decisions in their best long term interest.  If we do it as well as we can, someday, even though we let go and they leave us to be on their own, they will not just be our kids, but will become our best friends for life.

Evelyn Petersen, (www.askevelyn.com) early childhood specialist 40 years; author and weekly newspaper parenting columnist for over 20 years.  Degrees in child development/family life and early education; mom, grandmom and great grandmom.