AboutJames Windell Expertise I can answer questions related to normal child development, disturbed behavior and how to provide appropriate guidance and discipline.
Experience I've been a clinical psychologist in a juvenile court, worked in school settings, been a child psychotherapist in a private psychiatric clinic and consulted with schools, courts, hospitals and daycare centers.
Organizations American Psychological Association
Michigan Psychological Association
Publications I have been a columnist with the Oakland Press (Oakland County, MI) for 21 years writing a weekly column called Coping With Kids, which is also published weekly in the Staten Island Advance. I have been a mental health columnist with the Detroit Free Press and a columnist for Working Mother Magazine. In addition, I have published articles in professional journals. I have published 12 books, among them are "8 Weeks to a Well-Behaved Child" (IDG Books), "Discipline: A Sourcebook of 50 Failsafe Techniques for Parents" (IDG Books); "Children Who Say No When You Want Them to Say Yes" (IDG Books), "What You Need to Know About Ritalin" (Bantam Books) and "6 Steps to an Emotionally Intelligent Teenagers" (John Wiley & Sons). My latest two books, both published in 2006 are "The Fatherstyle Advantage" (Stewart, Tabori & Chang) and "Defusing High Conflict Divorce" (Impact Publishers). Articles about my work with parents has appeared in the New York Times, the Chicago Sun Times, the Detroit News and the Detroit Free Press.
My website at Jameswindell.com includes more information about me, my books and includes many columns I've written.
Education/Credentials B.A. in Psychology from Wayne State University
M.A. in Clinical Psychology from Oakland University
Awards and Honors Best Educational Program by Juvenile and Family Court Judges Association (National award for the development of a parent training program for parents of delinquent teenagers. Beth Clark Service Award from the Michigan Psychological Association.
Question My main question is how do I discipline (or not discipline) my child in the following situation:
After many unsuccessful potty-training adventures, my three-year-old daughter has had a lot of success with staying dry in the last few weeks. She is in daycare, and we have tried to remain consistent between her main teacher's style and how we do it at home. She has been doing very well; however, this weekend, three days in a row, she has had a bowel movement in her pants (ok, it's an accident), but instead of telling me so we can take it to the toilet like we always do, she smeared the feces in her room and then tried to clean it up on her own. The only way we knew she had done it is that she had feces on her hands when she came downstairs to get a drink or a snack. She doesn't seem to have any ulterior motive, such as punishing us for something that has happened-- she seems to be detached from the process and she knows it was wrong to do it. When I try to talk about it, or potty-training in general, she says, "Mommy, don't use your words" and ignores me. She even refuses to go to the toilet (I suspect this is a power play), but if we don't make her go, she becomes engrossed in whatever she is doing and forgets to go. Is this an "exploratory phase" that will pass (that is, the feces-smearing)? Is this purely out of curiosity like most experts are saying? Or is there something behind this? In your experience, is this seen in normal kids?
In short, I want to know if or when I should seek outside help for this problem. The way we have decided to manage it is to keep her in the same room with us when she is at home; but she loves to play by herself in her room (and we love the time to ourselves). How do we prevent it from happening again?
By the way, we are first-time parents, she is an only child, and we both have earned doctorate degrees-- we probably have very high expectations for our daughter.
Answer Hi Kate,
High expectations? You think?
Okay, I agree you probably do have high expectations. But, on the other hand, when feces-smearing occurs, parents do get concerned.
However, as I generally tell parents, it's often the bright, creative kids who at about age three do this. And it usually doesn't happen more than once or twice. It's not (in most cases) an indication of a psychiatric disorder.
Bright parents with their first child often tend to be over-analyzers. That just sort of goes with the territory. Keep in mind that with toddlers and preschoolers there's just so much that you aren't going to be able to figure out.
One thing I'm fairly sure of though is that when children who were successfully potty trained start having accidents it's usually related to stress or a power struggle. So, perhaps the best way to handle it is to put her back in pullups or diapers and be careful of exercising too much power in respect to going to the potty.
If you relax about this, she will, too, and she'll probably request "big girl" underwear and the use of the potty. If she doesn't do this quick enough to suit you, don't panic. She's only three. Almost no children making it to kindergarten still having accidents.
And by the way, my own daughter did the same thing at age three (smeared feces on the walls and on the lovely white wood of her bed). She's now 35 (and I hope not reading this!) and remains quite normal.
Best wishes,
James Windell
