Expert: Dr. Thomas Amberson, Psy.D., Clinical Psychologist - 3/10/2008

Question
My son is 3yr 7 months.  We have been trying to potty train for what seems like forever.  He will go if you ask him to for peeps but not for poops.  He has pooed in the potty a handful of times and lots of praise was given.  Recently we switched to underwear at day care and at home except bedtime.  He has good days and bad days with this. One day he just said he would not go and had 5 accidents in one day.  The really big problem we are having is peeing in toys.  He has done this at day care and at home.  Usually he hides the toy or says he did not do it.  He is a very strong willed child as you can see.  He is intelligent and a happy child.  We have tried stickers no luck, food rewards no luck, everything no luck.  Can you please give me some insight on why he may be doing this?  What pathway should we take now?

Answer
Dear Tracy,

I can understand your concern for your child's accidents. Concerning the peeing on toys. I would wonder are they his toys or toys that belong to other children or to the day care. If they are not his toys, I would wonder if peeing on the toys is an expression of his strong willed nature, maybe some sort of emotion that ranges from frustration to anger, toward someone or something.

About 25% of children can be strong-willed, and they can find unique ways to "express their will" and peeing on toys might be a an expression of dominance, anger, or mastery (re: "look what I can do). His emotional state when he pees on toys will help lead you to the underlying issue, (anger, dominance, mastery).

Strong willed children do things when they are only ready to do things, and if you push them too much it can back fire on you. His encopresis or pooping in his pants suggest that he is telling you he is not quite ready to transition yet to the toilet. I suggest that for now you back off and give him more time, he is not quite ready for underwear. When he is ready he will move on, but right now he is not ready. Do not push him, do not shame him, do not punish him for soiling. Just let him know that when he is ready to use the toilet he will.

I hope this helps.

All the best, Dr. Amberson