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About Dennis Girardi
Expertise
I can answer questions on family issues from the christian stand point. What to watch. What to do for fun. What to listen to. What to stay away from. I can help you build a strong relationship with your children and your spouse. I can help you with the child that has special needs. God first. Family second. Job third. I can also assist in fund-raising ideas and church events. I can also help you with ideas on church musicals and dramas.

Experience
I have been married for almost 20 years, and have three beautiful daughters. One of my daughters is a Special Education student. I was a youth leader and have directed many dramas and have written many musicals with my wife directing. I have raised funds for our church for over 25 years.

Organizations
I coached baseball and travel hockey.

Education/Credentials
I have completed High School and have taken many college classes.

You are here: Experts > Religion/Spirituality > Christianity - Protestantism > Pentecostals > relationships, how far is too far?

Pentecostals - relationships, how far is too far?

Expert: Dennis Girardi - 11/5/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hello! I am a girl who grew up in a christian family. I have always been going to church, a pentecostal one, even if I find the act of going to church not really as the thing which makes us christians, but rather the belief in Jesus christ does. However, I started doubting so much recently. I find many things within the religion so strange, some things rather condemning than forgiving. It is a long story with different questions I have been thinking about, some I have got answers on, others not. Mostly I have seen the great difference between church and belief. Christianity today seems so far from what the Bible says to begin with, and for many things the church talk about I do not even know if it has any connection with the Bible. I do not anymore know what to believe, if I am a christian or not. However, this is not what my question is about right now. I have found myself a boyfriend, whom also is a christian, and I am very happy about this. He lives in another country than me, so we have a long distance relationship. We can not meet so often, but when we do we have to sleep over at eachothers place and stay for about a week or two. Since we live so far from eachothers also the culture is a bit different. For him it is normal, even among the christians, to sleep in the same bed. Not to have sex, but just to feel the near of eachother. For me it is a bit different. I know my friends and their boyfriends sleep mostly in different rooms when they visit eachothers. I have always heard, from when I was young that one shall not sleep in the same bed as the partner. But does the Bible really say anything about that? It talkes about sex before marriage, and so, but what about sleeping in the same bed, just because it is cozy? Both of us think it is way too early for sex, and we made up clear lines about what is good and what is bad, what we want to save for later. What leads to sex and what is just to snuggle. I myself can't find any reason why it would be wrong, but I still feel guilty, because I know my church and parents are against it. So now we would like to get a clear answer about it, can we sleep in the same bed, if it doesn't include lot of patting or sex? What do they Bible say about this (please give some clear passages), and why?

ANSWER: Hey Sanna,
There may not be a particular scripture that states it in "those words," but there are principles of modesty being violated. Also, how about the responsibility to refrain from conduct that would stumble others?

How would such an action be viewed by someone else. I don’t necessarily mean that your actions should be controlled by what other people think; they may think all sorts of things that they shouldn’t. The consideration is more about what they do as a result of what they think.

And what about the appearance of evil? Could this conduct draw bad attention, suspicion, giving people something of substance to gossip about? How about pursuing conduct and actions that are wholesome, upbuilding, and the like, that would fortify, not put to the test, others' faith?

If two of your friends were sleeping in the same bed, wouldn't you be a little suspicious? How would it look to you?

If your friends figure they can do the same thing, and sin as a result, then what you have done is wrong. If your actions cause another to sin, or even think they have sinned, you should be very careful about doing that thing, whatever it is.

There is nothing in the Bible that says that sleeping in the same bed is a sin, per say.

The passage on which I base this on, is Romans 14. In that chapter Paul says, among other things, that if a brother thinks that it is wrong to eat meat then it would be wrong to eat meat in front of him if by so doing you cause him to violate his conscience. Even if you are doing something that is not wrong, if by doing so you cause another to do what he thinks is sinful, then you have destroyed the work of God and acted unlovingly. How much more so if you actually cause him to commit a sin.

Don't go there..
Brother Dennis

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you so much for your answer! Even though I agree to a lot of things which you have written, I would like to argue about it to know for sure what I believe. I hope you are ok with this.

You write that I violate principles.

Yea, perhaps I do violate principles, but thats like it has always been. Eg. in the time of my granmother theatre and dancing was something absolutely sinful and dirty. But people violate these principles and now we sing and dance and play theatre to praise God. Through times these principles change. And as rome 14 says, ("As one who is in the Lord Jesus, I am fully convinced that no food is unclean in itself. But if anyone regards something as unclean, then for him it is unclean.") if the younger generation think there is nothing unclean in sleeping in the same bed, have a clean concience in front of God, then why should we care, only because of the principles?

Isn't christianity about the relationship with Jesus, not about how we practice religion? Maybe I am as one of those who eat everything in verse 2, and then I shall give thanks to God for this, as in verse 6.

You say: "The consideration is more about what they do as a result of what they think."

Yea, it is a problem if we will drag someone down with this. But sleeping in the same bed is so common, so I think people would not really react about it. At least not people in our age. Rather people would find it very strange and conservative, if we wouldn't sleep in the same bed. There are many other daily stuff which we do that are far worse than sleeping in the same bed. For example to buy a cellphone or a laptop. These things contain coltan which is a material which people kill for in Africa. So by using cellphones and laptops we cause people to kill, rape and make war in Africa. By the clothes we wear it is like we have slaves in other countries. By eating meat instead of vegetarian food we use 10 times more corns and stuff, which else could be used to feed those who starve to death. Yet, not many people care about this. In which way is it more serious to sleep in the same bed?

Sure, I can not hide behind how others act wrong - but sleeping in the same bed was not even a sin...

"How about pursuing actions that are wholesome, upbuilding, and the like, that would fortify, not put to the test, others' faith?"

I would like to act in a way which is upbuilding for others, but when I do not think this lifestyle is so upbuilding, but rather I feel that it is caging and conservative, why should I support it for others? It might be a religion, but this religion is neither building up my relationship with God, and also I cannot feel that it comes from God. It feels like a pressure from people around me, and I feel so untrue when I am acting "good christian" only because I follow religious principles which I was taught was right, not that I find right with my heart, or my belief.

You write also: "If your friends figure they can do the same thing, and sin as a result, then what you have done is wrong. If your actions cause another to sin, or even think they have sinned, you should be very careful about doing that thing, whatever it is."

Yes, maybe the way we behave might cause others to sin, and of course this is nothing which I would like. That is what I feel as reason not to do it. Rom 14:20-23 "Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food. All food is clean, but it is wrong for a man to eat anything that causes someone else to stumble. 21It is better not to eat meat or drink wine or to do anything else that will cause your brother to fall. 22So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the man who does not condemn himself by what he approves. 23But the man who has doubts is condemned if he eats, because his eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin."

And to look closer at what you wrote about Romans 14 I would like to give some comments also there.

"In that chapter Paul says, among other things, that if a brother thinks that it is wrong to eat meat then it would be wrong to eat meat in front of him if by so doing you cause him to violate his conscience."

So what you say here is that we shall not sleep in the same bed when people are around that may think it is sinful? We could respect that.

"Even if you are doing something that is not wrong, if by doing so you cause another to do what he thinks is sinful, then you have destroyed the work of God and acted unlovingly." I think rather by putting the label "sinful" and "dirty" to sleeping in the same bed, then this would cause a lot of people to think that they have sinned, and feel that the christian religion is full of limits rather than of freedom.

I also have some extra questions. Is sex a sin, if you stay with the same person after wards? Is it not like a marriage in front of God in the first place? I have heard that it becomes a sin when you after sleep with someone else, or if there becomes a child which you do not take care of.

These are just some of my thoughts, and I would like to hear your reflection about this. Thank you very much for helping us!

Answer
Hey Sanna,

You seem to have quite a few issues here..
You know, people can justify anything and everything they do.. Are you sure this is not going on here.. Surely you know that sleeping in the same bed can only lead to negative responses, negative vibes, and probably lust. You know better. I can tell by just what you write.. You need to follow the men of God and not make these choices and decisions alone. Find a pastor or a person that you look up to, and talk to him or her. They know where you are coming from, more than I do.
I go by this rule everyday.. "If there is doubt or uncertainty in doing something or going somewhere, than you probably shouldn't do it or go there..

Otherwise, you will be:
going to bars, but not drinking.
going to the beach (with half naked people), but not looking.
Watching R rated movies, but not listening to the swearing.
Listening to dirty jokes, but not laughing...
etc....

You will become no different than anyone that does not go to church.
The Lord wants you to "be ye separate."
If people cannot tell the difference between you and the world, then YOU have a problem.
You should act different, look different, have different interests, and go different places.
That's just the way it is..
Good Luck..
Brother Dennis

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