Personal Empowerment/How can I move past my abusive relationship and its effects on my self-worth?
Hello. I've been writing to another expert up here for the past couple of months because I was involved in a bad relationship. The expert I wrote to up here referred me to a website about BPD, and said that my ex exhibited signs of it. I checked it out and it does sound a lot like him. The relationship took a negative toll on my personal relationships, my education, and partly, my self-esteem. My self-esteem was already pretty low to begin with, which is probably why I allowed my ex boyfriend to treat me this way. I struggled with my weight, and I was self-conscious. In the beginning he made me feel better about myself, always calling me beautiful, encouraging me to take more pictures (innocent ones) to send him because he is in Japan due to his job. I began to slowly feel more and more beautiful, but then he began to devalue me and make me feel like I wasn't doing enough. He'd ask me things like "Why do you always pose like that?" "Why don't you straighten your hair?" and once he told me that I looked fat in a picture (claimed he was joking) and told me that my hair reminded him of pubes (again he was joking and thought it was the funniest thing ever).
After a while, I wouldn't take the types of "photos" he wanted me to and it sparked a series of bad arguments. He felt that I should be willing to do that if he was all the way over there not sleeping with anyone for so long. I refused and even on the last day that we spoke, he still brought it up. We were talking about working things out and he told me "If we're going to do this, you're going to have to compromise." It was at that moment that I realized he would never change. I wished him luck with his new girlfriend there (because he had told me he was seeing where things went with some Asian woman he met…but that she was a "nonfactor" when it came to me). I also told him to get help because he had issues (abandonment, drinking [so I thought], and loss).
He went off on me. Called me a stupid b***h, told me to mind my business, and that he did a bunch of horrible stuff before we got serious that he never told me about. He said he slept with his best friend (and when I told him she wasn't even attractive he told me 'I love you but you're not that attractive yourself.') He basically rubbed it in my face and said "How do you like that?" He said I deserve to suffer and I crushed his heart. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I was freaked out.
It has been a couple of months now and we haven't spoken. I doubt we ever will, and that's fine. It becomes easier to accept as each day passes by. However, I've since then looked at his social networking sites and I saw that he is dating an Asian woman (presumably the one he lied to me about before). It hurts to see him calling her beautiful and speaking in Japanese with her. It's like I never existed. I'm sort of bothered by the fact that I'm still holding onto this, and the words that he said. It's like I find myself thinking "He'd definitely call you fat in this outfit," or "He'd call you stupid for saying that." It's like even when he's not around, the things he would say and do still linger in my mind and take a toll on my self-worth.
Before him, I used to be really into Japanese culture (specifically anime and films). Now I can't even enjoy them anymore, and I'm constantly comparing myself to Asian women. It's like every Asian woman I see, I'm thinking "She's cute than I am. She's thin. She's everything a man would want." A woman I met on the BPD website I was referred to told me not to take this to heart, and that for him it's about who is easier to control. It still hurts though. How can I move past this?
One of the most complicated and difficult thing to do in life, is to break free from the one you previously loved. its not that easy like many would want to make you believe. It usually takes time to heal emotional wounds. Just some few suggestions.
1. Learn to love yourself for who you are. If you don't love yourself, nobody will
2. Learn to forgive the wrong others have done to you. Without forgiveness, it will be difficult for you to move on in life
3. Beauty is more internal than external. Learn to develop your internal and your external will begin to glow beautifully
4. Where possible, relocate to a new environment and develop new friendship
5. True love still exist and as long as you open up your heart to its possibilities, there is always someone out there who will appreciate you for who you are.
6. Let go of anything that reminds you of him- old pictures, contact phone numbers, websites, gift items...
7. Develop new skills and learn to go out more often. This will drain out those negative emotions and help the healing process faster.
Sheyenne,there is no magic wand to get past your emotional trauma. You need to make a conscious effort to move forward and stop sulking over the failure of yesterday. When one door closes, hundreds begin to open. You only get to see these open doors when you stop looking backward and you start looking forward.
Have a lovely day Sheyenne, and enjoy yourself the best way you can.