Hello! I was hoping you could offer me some advice for my current situation. I am struggling defining myself and being myself.
I had a child at 17 years old and married her father. So now, I am 30 years old, have two children, 9 and 13, and have been married for 13 years. We struggled in the beginning financially and emotionally, as we were both young and had many responsibilities. Now, I have a degree and we are managing well.
I have had much success with my hard work and I am proud of what we have. My problems lies with me personally. Now that my children don't need me as much and I can focus more on me, I am confused. I have learned that I have been emotionally and mentally dependant on my husband and I have problems figuring out what to do with myself. For example, my husband has become fond of working out regularly (3-4 times a week) and I feel a void. I end up taking it out on him, getting mad for not spending time with me or giving him a hard time about leaving. He has begun using the terms "stop telling me what to do!"
I am going to start attending a gym and I feel uneasy about it, going alone. I am scared and I am not sure why! I always hear about couples doing their own hobbies, spending hours on their own, and my husband and I have always been close communicators. Now that my husband is persuing an interest that has nothing to do with me, I feel uneasy. I know that cannot be healthy.
I suspect that I never was able to "find myself" due to my circumstances in the past is beginning to effect me. But I do not know how to overcome it. What do you think? Thanks for listening.
Its normal for you to feel the way you are feeling right now.
Its a phase in life that usually comes with our children getting grown up and becoming independent and partners getting to adjust to life without them.
The truth however remains that you must be able to let go of any form of jealousy, hatred or bitterness. He needs all your support just like you need his.
The following tips will be useful.
1.As long as you rely on another person for your energy, youíll never be happy. Try to learn how to generate your own energy to sustain the pace of the relationship.
2. When two people become one it turns into a control struggle. When someone gets the other half or part of the energy they need they start to demand and expect it from that individual, in fact, they donít view it as an individual anymore but one unit. Any time their significant other interferes or breaks sequence with the energy they are receiving, it will turn into chaos. When you arenít your own person and rely on someone else, someone will always try to lead or control the entire energy field. The only way for there to be no control is if both people enter the relationship with full self-produced energy fields. The control battle results in opposite roles each vowing for control.
3. To confirm if you are incomplete without your partner, you need to ask yourself the following salient questions: Are you needy? Do you oftentimes need to talk with someone, kiss someone, hold hands with someone, or hug someone? Do you feel like youíre missing something in your life when youíre alone? Iím not talking periodically, sometimes stuff happens that takes your energy away and a hug or talk can help. But if you find yourself depending on these things, youíre probably incomplete.
Can you be alone with yourself with no one around, No contact with another human being, no internet, no phones, nothing?. Can you be truly alone and be okay with yourself? If you are, then when you get into a relationship with someone itís not because you need them or want them, itís because they add to the completed version of you. You donít want to need people to add to you to complete you.
The question you may want to ask me Debra, is how one can come out from such complicated situation. I have no real idea. Everyone is different, Iím not complete. Some people are more complete than others. Some people do apply the meditation technique, some become very religious, some take to mountain climbing. In concluding, i would only appeal to you to start with trying not to rely on anyone but yourself and pursue things that inspire you to keep yourself busy. Itís usually when youíre alone and have no purpose or sense of belonging anywhere that you start to ďneedĒ others.