Personal Empowerment/Lost love?
QUESTION: Hi, have been going out with a black African (origin Nigeria) for one year. However, we have known each for two years. I a white Christian and he is Muslim. Our relationship has been characterised by ups and down: we are aware of our differences (age, religion, colour, social status etc.), however, we enjoyed each other company. During the past year had one abortion and two miscarriages. My last miscarriage happened only few weeks ago and after that my boyfriend became quite irritable, short with me as if he had no time, no patience to 'deal' with me. We tried to break up in the past but we always got back together. However, lately I felt him becoming distant and spending less time with me, becoming more secretive as if he wanted his space, distance fro me. I got promoted at work and we were supposed to move away together - with him joining me later but it was not specified when. I was just sceptical that he will move, as he often pointed at negatives. Ramadan came and he said he won't be able to see me and he moved in with his friends without telling me when and where to. He also started to work every day, long hours, seven days per week. His telephone calls, text messages and emails because increasingly sporadic. he came to see me on couple of occasions and all went seemingly well with him telling me loves me, that all he is doing is doing for me. However, he told me he wont be able to join me because he does not know how long will his job last and also he will need to study. In addition he said we wont be able t spend any time together because he is working and needs his rest, he is living with friends so it is not his house thus I won't be able to stay over ... I sent him an email and said that I do not know how our relationship will work if it is going to be the way he explained and I thought he is making excuses to end our relationship (putting all together). I send him a song I Will Always Love you, he sent me a song 'When I Was Your Man' and that was approximately two weeks ago. I did not try to call because last time I tried to call he put the phone down on me, last time I texted him he never responded and his last email was this song. Does it mean it is over between us? I am rather confused, lost, hurt even though I am realising it may be over and I may have to get used to the fact. Do I try to contact him after Ramadan and Eid is well over, by then I would have moved away. Or do I just leave it if I never hear from him again. I do not know what happened. Insight would be appreciated and advice how to proceed.
ANSWER: Hi Bianca,
To be honest with you, i felt touched by your story and all you had gone through in the course of your relationship. I would be frank in my assessment and would appreciate if you open your mind to whatever suggestions i would be offering to you.
1.Your man obviously does not love you, because most of the excuses he is giving are flimsy.
2. Religion, age and social status has a lot of role to play in every relationship. We may pretend they don't, but in actual fact they tend to distort the very foundation of our relationship.
3. When an individual thinks more of himself and less of the one he claims to love, it is an obvious indication of cracks in the relationship. I am not insinuating that every relationship would be trouble free, what i want you to know, is that relationship flourishes when we make sacrifices and willingly go out of our way to practically show that we love our partners.
4.Bianca, you don't ever do the mistake of forcing yourself on your man. If you do, he may begin to assume you can never do without him. If he really cares about you, it must show in his attitude towards you.
5. Please don't mourn or feel depressed over whatever must have happened. In life, God allows us to go through certain things to enable us to learn from them positively. When one door closes, multiple doors we eventually open as long as we chose never to look back but to look forward.
Finally let me share this little secret with you: There are people who walk away from you, let them walk. Don't talk another person into staying with you. Don't talk another person into loving you.Don't talk another person into calling you, caring about you or coming to see you.
Your destiny is never tied to any person that left.People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you cant make them stay.Let them go.
It is important to know when people part in your story is over, so that you don't keep on trying to raise up the dead. You've got to know when its over. Let it go.
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains, let it go.
If someone cannot treat you right. If someone cannot love you back and if someone cannot see your worse, let it go. If someone has angered you, let it go. If you are struggling with a healing of a broken relationship, let it go. If you are trying to help someone who isn't trying to help themselves, let it go. Bianca, Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. Let it go.
Wishing you all the best in this new month and the remaining part of the year.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Hi Cleent
Thank you for your reply and honesty.
It is hard to accept he did not love me and I shall probably irritate you with what I am going to say which only shows my inability to accept/ understand. Perhaps deep down I know you are most probably right and that is why I have not contacted him.
However, I did not make myself clear. He did not say he does not want to move with me, he said that not now, that it will have to be later. I did not discuss it with him because last time I saw him was was when he came round my place and he looked very tired and he lost weight. I almost did not recognise him and suggested he rests in my bed and when he rested comes down. He did that (it is Ramadan and he is fasting and has to follow certain Muslim rules) and I told him that there is no need to discuss anything at this stage, that we can do it when Ramadan is over, he is rested and strong again.
I dropped him off in town and he told me loves me and that he is looking forward to seeing me again. However, I was annoyed then because he had to go to his friends instead f being with me and also I do not know where he lives: he made it not a big mystery.
I know I did not behave perfectly, however, it have feelings/ needs and I was just missing him and feeling alone in this move, not knowing when/ if he is going to join me. If I knew he was not moving with me I am not sure would I move without him. On the other hand he did tell me a couple of weeks ago or so that he will move with me because he loves me and where I am he wants to be too.
I understand that he does not wish or can see me during Ramadan. However, he rarely calls, texts or emails. I appreciate he is working, fasting but it is hard for me too. Especially as I am moving I never envisaged will rarely speak to him or see him for a whole month.
Last year we saw each other, spend time each other during Ramadan so why is it different this time?
He called me about two weeks ago and told me I am his whole world and how much he needs me. I was angry because if he needs me so much why he chooses not to speak to me? I told him I do not need him and that can survive without him but I want to be with him. That is why I want to see him yet he tells me he needs me but refuses to see me. I offered to come to his place but he refused.
Before sending me When was your man song, he sent me other love songs, telling me how much he loves me. I do not know what is going on, is it heat, lack of food, water getting to him or have I lost him? I also know that I have been a little emotional due to recent events including the move, change of jobs etc. I miss him and wish he was by my side. I know I have to show strength and for that reason I am not in touch, will have to move and do my best.
The song When I was your man is about a woman walking out on her man (I did not walk out on him) for another man (I am not with another man). Surely he knows this but he has been acting suspicious and jealous so I wonder is it because of fasting, working etc.
I would not want to try talking anyone into being with me, I know it would not work long-term. However, should I take the song and silence as the answer to all? After all, could he not at least told me that he does not wish to see me or be with me? When he came to see me why didn't he say anything then? Why did he tell me then that he loves me?
What can I do to save our relationship (it does not feel we have one right one now/ anymore but I do not know if all seems worse than it is because of current circumstances)
To be honest with you, i am short of words, because in my last response to your question, i did poured out my sincere opinion regarding how i felt you should go. I still stand by man initial conviction that he does not really love you. Ramadan fasting, stress at work or whatever excuses cannot be used as genuine reasons for the lack of affection.
I am not used to sharing things to please those that usually write to me requesting for counseling, because my conscience will eventually haunt me for not sharing the truth. I don't expect you to accept the entire idea of leaving him, because you still love him. It takes mental strength, courage and a desire to discover what is best for self to do that.
Suggesting ways for salvaging your relationship may be difficult, because all evidence indicates he may not be keen about making sacrifice to allow the relationship work out. Two parties make up a relationship and for such relationship to work, both partners must make inputs. In this case, it seems you are the only one wishing to give the relationship all it requires to succeed. Have you ask yourself if your man is willing to sacrifice self, pride and other things he values dearly for the sake of the relationship?
You know him better than i do, but from the little you have shared i am convinced he only loves you conditionally. For true love to thrive in a relationship, it has to be unconditionally. When things are rosy, people tend to show more love, but when things are difficult and tough, you tend to see the true nature of such individuals.
Bianca, do whatever your heart tells you to do and be careful with whatever decision you eventually come up with, as it may mar or make you destiny in life.
Wishing you all the best.