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Personal Empowerment/Relationship and Self-Image Disconnect

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Question
Hi Olga, thanks for reading my question today.  I'm 33, my boyfriend is 32.  We have been together for three years and live together.

My problem is I feel like there's a major disconnect.  I feel like I finally have a great career and know what I want in life.  I am also starting to really crave alone time.  For years I have been doing everything to make everyone else happy, and have taken practically no time for myself.  There are times when I just want to be alone for a couple hours.  When I tell this to my partner, he will say things to make me come along.  For example, he will say, just come along, we won't make it too long.  

The other issue is lifestyle.  He has admitted many times that he needs to get healthier.  His health is not good.  He has had a health scare recently and has gained considerable weight.  It was all due to his previous job.  Well, he has a new job now, and couldn't say enough how this will improve his health.  He would have more time to exercise, prepare meals, etc.  It has just given him more time to engage in unhealthy activities.  Now I almost wish he stayed at his old job because at least then, he only had a couple hours to do these things.  Now, he basically has all night, which he does.  He smokes a lot more pot now.  Funny, he said that since this job wouldn't have any stress, he wouldn't need to smoke it.  It has increased.  

It upsets me because he obviously doesn't care what I think.  I told him I want to work out, but he said I don't need to because he doesn't want me to lose any more weight.  I listened.  However, I told him how much I hate his pot habit, and how I worry about him after his health scare and he should exercise.  I get a snap back - I'm not dying, and I'm not stopping the weed.  Okay, fine.  Well, I can't let my health slide either, so I'm starting to exercise.  

I'm slowly becoming less attracted to him, and it's scary.  He doesn't give a crap what I think, but expects me to do what he wants.  Sex is pretty much non-existent, because he keeps trying to do things in the bedroom that I tell him I do not like to do.  

I don't know what I should do here.  Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks.

Sara

Answer
Hi Sara. The key issue here is giving yourself permission to feel and do what's best and healthy for you.

Your early programming left you with some shaky aspects to your sense of self, and without a strong sense of entitlement to exist and be fully you - thus the need to get his approval, among other things.

The only way to figure this out is to start focusing on you. Forget about him and his bad habits - for now. What's happening in your relationship is triggering the issues in you that are asking to be addressed: healthy boundaries; saying NO to whatever doesn't work for you; proactively doing what DOES work for you (such as taking time out); and generally putting your needs first, in healthy, practical, everyday ways. The key things to remember here are that it's about having healthy self-responsibility and what YOU think of you; it's about standing by your word (and your needs) when you say you need time out. Take it. You don't need his permission or approval.

He has the same issue (self-responsibility) and we always attract partners with the same 'missing pieces' as us. Unfortunately, we usually get distracted and distressed by focusing on them and their stuff, without realizing that we've attracted them in the first place because we have the same stuff going on inside. Fix that, and you'll attract what you want. DON'T try to fix him or even tell him what to do. Make your own healthy choices. So if he smokes around you and you don't like it, say so and leave. You don't have to tolerate/endure any of this. This is the homework. Only when you have done it and got to a place where you feel more comfortable making healthy choices for you, and living life on your healthy terms, will you know if you want to stay - and only then will you be ABLE to walk away, if that's what's best.

The 'homework' will keep you stuck in the relationship until it's done. When you've done it, you'll either get an 'upgrade' within this relationship, with your partner shifting because you have, or you'll get an upgrade once you've said NO to the relationship (if it ultimately isn't working for you).

You can find lots more helpful info on my website and my blog, plus in my first book, Fit for Love, which is all about filling in your missing  pieces, creating healthy boundaries, making sense of your relationship dynamics, and making you whole, happy and magnetic.  

FYI, I'll be offering a 7-week Fit for Love webinar in a few months' time, just in case that's of interest.

Good luck!
Olga
www.olgasheean.com / olga@olgasheean.com  

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Olga Sheean

Expertise

I specialize in addressing the negative subconscious programming that causes dysfunction and disempowerment in relationships and in life. That sounds very clinical, but it's truly amazing how much your programming runs your life. (Changing that changes everything.) I am happy to answer questions on how to attract your ideal partner, how to break out of negative patterns, how to create healthy, balanced, enlightened relationships, and how to generate the abundance, fulfillment, ease and success you desire. I can explain why things have unfolded the way they have and what is the purpose of the challenges in your life. Because personal empowerment is about taking charge of your life, I welcome questions from those who are committed to understanding and mastering themselves.

Experience

I am an author, behavioural kinesiologist, visionary and coach, specializing in personal empowerment, relationships and holistic self-mastery. I teach a powerful system for overcoming dysfunction and resolving life’s challenges, based on an understanding of the power and impact of our subconscious programming. I have been in private practice for 15 years and I specialize in identifying and transforming the negative subconscious programming that runs (and often ruins) our lives, preventing us from having the love, money, success, ease and fullfilment that we want. I have been blessed to discover some wonderful ground-breaking techniques and processes for addressing health problems, relationship issues, financial concerns and whatever else may be preventing an individual from being fulfilled and powerful in their life. I use muscle-testing to identify and address each individual's specific issues, and I have developed a system for doing remote testing, which enables me to work with my clients all over the world. My book, Fit for Love - find your self and your perfect mate, is an illustrated workbook that takes readers on a journey of self-discovery, healing and empowerment.

Publications
As a professional writer and editor with 25 years’ experience, I have written some 200 articles on relationships, the environment, personal growth, alternative health, healing, nutrition and popular psychology, and have been a regular feature writer and columnist for several North American magazines (such as Divorce magazine, Common Ground, Health Naturally, BC Woman, Health n Vitality and Real Woman). I was the editor of Vancouver-based Shared Vision magazine for six years and wrote a regular relationship column through 2006, in addition to contributing numerous features from 1996 to 2006. In the late 90s, I established Berkana Books, a self-publishing company that produced non-fiction, self-help titles. I have also worked as a writer, photo-journalist and editor for WWF International in Switzerland and as an editor for the United Nations in Geneva.

Education/Credentials
My academic qualifications include an Honours degree in languages and literature, which has enabled me to travel and appreciate/communicate with different cultures. My training in alternative health includes certification in Touch for Health I, II & III, One Brain and other branches of applied kinesiology addressing right/left-brain integration; Body Alignment Technique (a form of vibrational medicine used to determine and release the root causes of physical and emotional dysfunction); Appropriate Response Training (conflict resolution); intuitive healing; and Reiki, among others.

Awards and Honors
I have won several awards in Italian language, but I don't think there are any awards yet for mastering the language of the heart. Perhaps I could invent one.

Past/Present Clients
I have clients all over the world, ranging from single mothers, entrepreneurs, financial experts and CEOs, to actors, talent agents, artists and directors. My youngest client was 7 years old and the oldest was 92. I also work extensively with Forex traders, teaching them how to resolve their negative programming around money and wealth so that they can trade successfully on the Forex market.

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