AboutBill and Lorna Collings Expertise Feel FREE to ask us about traveling, living, relocating, retiring and investing in the Philippines. Guests from 83 countries make our place in Manila an incredible meeting place for world travelers who exchange travel stories and information. We understand both the joys and the hardships of living and traveling in the Philippines.
Experience I arrived in the Philippines in January 1980 to travel for 2 months; I stayed 4 months before reluctantly leaving. I met my Filipina wife, Lorna. an incredible stellar, "one in a million" individual in 1983 in Seoul and we moved to the Philippines in 1986 and opened our 3BR house to world travelers on a budget. After welcoming thousands of guests from 83 nations our place has grown to 30 bedrooms but will never lose its "Home away from Home" atmosphere. Almost everyday at The Townhouse Hotel there's a party-like social scene with vibrant, almost magical energetic conversations between our guests who have the pleasure to meet each other and share their life's many experiences. Sometimes. three groups with conversations in different langauges are going on at the same time.
So we've been exposed to every kind of person from all over the world and shared their experiences.
Publications Suite101.com, eDreams.com, expertcentral.com ( who asked me to apply with allexperts.com since About.com has bought both companies and are in the process of integrating them)
Education/Credentials some college 2-1/2 years - no degree - I've been traveling since I was 18, almost 30 years.
Awards and Honors Luckily, my wife and I have been semi-retired since we were 30 years old, more than 15 years.
Expert: Bill and Lorna Collings Date: 6/13/2008 Subject: Long Distance Relationships Filipina(o)s
Question QUESTION: Hi. Im in a relationship with a filipina. Unfortunately there have been some communication problems usually when i'm in the states and she is in the philippines. I know that filipinos can be very hospitable but i wanted to know something else. If a filipina is up to no good with a foreigner, will filipinos speak this to the foreigner? or allow him to be used or hurt. how can i find out if my filipina who is in the province now is really true? whats the best place to start or person to ask? there are other questions i would like to ask at a later date. thankyou
ANSWER: Generally speaking most Asians and Filipinos will NOT inform a foreigner about their girlfriend or wife or fiancee or friend using them, being unfaithful to them cheating them or stealing from them UNLESS they have their own agenda or private interest / purpose like replacing that Filipina(o). In other words although everyone in the neighborhood may KNOW about such NO GOOD behavior as GOSSIP seems to be the national sport here and in most tropical climates they will NOT inform the foreigner of misdeeds.
The BEST way to find out the ESSENCE of most people, including your Filipina girlfriend is PLAIN COMMON SENSE! CRY POOR when it comes to money CRY CANCER OR HEALTH EMERGENCY PROBLEM and see how she reacts. In other words FORGET about the VALUES many of us Americans grew up with like HONESTY is the BEST POLICY or the patriotic parable about George Washington when he was a kid cutting down the Cherry Tree but COULD NOT TELL A LIE. Asians follow the a different set of principles like THE TRUTH HURTS SO AVOID IT like the Chinese custom is to NOT open a gift when given as it may cause an EMBARRASSMENT or LOSS OF FACE to both people, better to voice appreciation and open it later should the prove to be a disappointment.
And make a personal MENTAL NOTE; long distance relationships are difficult and LONELY so if you're enjoying a HEAVENLY EXPERIENCE when you are together then don't sweat the rest. Even if a person lets you down when you are apart it doesn't mean the same person will let you down when you are together. I guess the following one liner applies; OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND!
If she is living in the provinces there's NO SURE or inexpensive way to check on her other than the next time you come do NOT INFORM her AT ALL in ADVANCE but SURPRISE her with your arrival. My wife and I constantly do this with our Manila and Boracay resort staff as a type of management practice. There are private investigation agencies and one of the experts does this kind of work who will do background checks etc. One of our BEST friends lied together with his FIlipina for over 3 years here knowing she had a younger brother and NOT until they showed up at the USA embassy for the immigrant visa interview was he told by the EMBASSY STAFF that the "brother " was HER SON. In Catholic societies which are VERY DUALISTIC morally or "Victorian" conservative there is ALOT of HIDDEN SECRETS and FALSE STATEMENTS. Women are expected to be on pedestals like virgins but at the same time the men like to have FUN with the other women. Such is life here BUT I MUCH PREFER it compared to WASP / protestant society where if one likes to have a FRIEND best one buys a dog.
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QUESTION: Hi. Thanks for the quick reply. I find your answer helpful but disagree with the OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND! comment. I need to know the truth. I'm not unfaithful or being dishonest so i don't want to be with a filipina or anyone else that is unfaithful or dishonest. You say that maybe filipinos will get involved if they have their own agenda. Would an offer of money get me in on the national sport ( GOSSIP ) about myself if any? Do you recommend i get a private investigator? How can i even trust the private investigator with all you have said about asian cultures? Whats to keep them from taking my money doing nothing and saying they have done an investigation. Will it be better to have my filipina relocate to manila and be monitored there or stay in the province? What exactly is included in a background check that one of the experts does? Do you know of any reputable pivate investigators? I really need to know if my filipina is true. I want to someday to purchase land and build a home in the Philippines. I know i cant own land. What about the home? Do i have any rights to that? I hate to ever build a home only to find that my filipina is one of the bad ones and she moves her true love ( a filipino )in and me out? if i'm there and already retired what are my rights to that home? i would hate to be homeless there. Its all to easy to be retired and homeless in the states. I've actually met a person here retired living in his truck waiting each month for his SS check deposit. I'm by no means wealthy. All that i would invest there if ever will be from hard work. I find many filipinos there think that money is easy to come by here. like you can get straight of the plane and easily find an eight hour job paying 50,000 or 100,000 USD annually. I have told them only a small percentage of americans earn over 100,000 USD annually. I've later read that it's not good to be honest in that way with filipinos in the Philippines. All that said i know that it's much easier to earn or find a job that pays much better here. But i find that many filipinos have a skewed view of the U.S. I'm doing my best to learn all i can about my filipino and the Philippines as to not have a skewed view. Please send as much information as possible and any other helpful comments. Thankyou very much for taking time to answer my questions and be helpful.
ANSWER: What I meant about Filipinos or Asians not getting invloved unless they have their own agenda doesn't mean they will provide accurate information in exchange for money; it means that if some other Filipina or family member or neighbor thought they could alienate or tarnish your relationship making themselves , their daughter, niece, sister etc more endearing to you. The Philippines annual income is not much more than U$1000/ year in the provinces and U$2000 / year in the metropolitan areas so hooking up with a foreigner, ESPECIALLY an American is like a WINNING LOTTERY TICKET. So there are no shortage of Filipinas which would like to REPLACE your Filipina should you find fault or disappointment with her. Don't GET ME WRONG, in NO WAY am I predicting nor wishing to plant doubt in your mind or heart about your love life and emotional attachment with a SPECIAL FILIPINA. Actually my first reaction is CONGRATULATIONS to BOTH OF YOU! My wife Lorna and I have been together going on 25 years this coming Dec. 19, 2008 and I'm still crazy about her.
Yes you're right about the likely futility of trusting the quality of investigation from a private investigator in me and my wife's opinion. Generally speaking we do not trust most "professionals" and consider them over compensated.
There's absolutely no reason to be paranoid about being homeless here as the cost of living is very low and there's NOTHING WRONG with renting for a few years until your trust for your Filipina grows more secure , enough so investing P1M to P2M ( U$25000 to U$40,000 )on building a house after buying a lot or some land.
Since you have NOT rally explained in detail what's your WORST FEAR other than mentioning the possibility of her having a Filipino boyfriend or husband then flying over withOUT warning should be sufficient enough of a SURPRISE to discover such a scam. GOOD LUCK! I LOVE THE PHILIPPINES and THE FILIPINO PEOPLE and could KISS THE GROUND each time I land here.
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QUESTION: Hi. Your replies are fast and thats good. My situation is a bit unique, i think. First i have been there several times with my filipina, thats my wife. I decided from my experience not to bring my filipina to the states right away. One reason is the high cost of doing that and when she arrives there will be no one to entertain her. My work requires me to be away from home for weeks at a time. I discussed with her the possibilty of me working hard here for a few years to save some amount as an investment there. If she is here the cost of everthing is higher and if i'm not at home she will need a car to drive after getting a license and all that i know will take time. She does not drive and learning how to get around in this country can be difficult for someone who has lived here for years. no public transpotation in the suburbs. I was just there in oct '07 and she seemed to be acting strange that time. Wanting always to go visit the house of her family near to our apartment in Manila. Thats not all that unusual to want to visit your family. The problem is that her brother and sisters all are at work at the time she was going there. The only person there is the husband of her sister. At first i paid it no mind until it seemed that she was going there to often and giving what i thought were excuses to go there. Now for that type of thing to possibly be some inappropriate involment happening in the states would not surprise me. that is possible relationship with the husband of her sister. But that would blow me away if its happening in the philippines. I guess i have an unrealistic view of filipinas and a predominantly catholic society. My view of men around the world is that most are pigs. So a filipino man doing something like that wouldn't surprise me one bit. and also from being around some filipino men, not all. But i find that some will envade your space, even if you are standing in line someplace with your lady. They wont hesitate to start making conversation in tagalog. That seems to be disrespectful but maybe its just the culture. What are your thoughts on that. I'm still learning the langauge. I know that just showing up will not work. I would have to get lucky and show up at exactly the right moment. and when i get there to the province everyone will see me. I stick out like a sore thumb. When i'm in the province, i can imagine what celebrities here feel like. maybe someone will just text her that i'm there. a tricycle is needed to get to where she is. I could hire a car but you here everything coming even from far away. Its amazing how quiet it can be there. It's incredible. Something i dont get to experience here at all. I'm a quiet person so generally thats not my thing. I dont covet the spotlight. As for my wife her words are all amazing but some of the things she does make me have doubts. She claims that even to be there with her sisters husband alone is okey in filipino culture. Even if i'm here and she meets old college mates that are guys. Its okey to exchange numbers with them and even polite to go to lunch if they offered when you saw them out somewhere after not seeing them for years. She claims to many things are okey in her culture that are just not okey with me. I want to ask you, would you have been okey with that with your wife when your relationship was only a couple of years? What is your oppinion of that. I hope thats not bad to ask or say. Please forgive me if so. Again my filipina who is my wife, can be nice and i haven't had anything to alarm me when it comes to money. We have an acct there but its in her name. I have never noticed any substancial amout missing. Ocassionally she will ask is it okey to get 2500ph for her sister or some other family member to come from maina to the province and visit there by ship and return. Over a years time if i couldn't acct for 20000ph that is just not enough money to alarm me of a scheme for money or something else. And i find when it comes to the idea of scams it always or mostly about money. Not saying that i can't acct for that. I was thinking of buying some spy products but i'm not sure if they are available there. Do you know if they have such stores there? I actually hate all of this having to think about spying and private investigators. I know that it has to be incredible to be in a relationship full of love and trust and happiness. I hope for that someday but i must get this resolved first. Thats a step closer to that. Sorry for the constant emails. thanks for the help and i hope a solution will present itself soon. I also Love many things about the philippines and would like to stay there someday, if i were like many Americans that have a higher net worth, i'm sure i would like it even more. That last sentence is really about another issue i deal with in the philippines. So thanks again for the fast replies. looking forward to more information, knowledge of the Philippines and it's people.
Answer Filipinos are very SOCIAL people and use to growing up with extended family members and neighbors around them. 6 or 8 Filipinos are happy and content inside of a small room but leave them alone in one room and they get restless and freak out. You were VERY WISE NOT to bring your wife to the States for the reasons you stated and also because of this loneliness issue. I don't think you need to worry about your wife with her brother-in-law nor her former classmates since there's been no sign of financial anomalies. When Filipino guys hook up / are intimate with Filipina wives or girlfriends of foreigners ( or whoever is in control of collecting and depositing our money ) it usually leads to MONEY. So if you haven't noticed any anomalies then CLOSE YOUR EYES, BREATHE DEEP, and HAVE FAITH in your wife. Relax BUT maybe you need to think about how to arrange your schedule to spend more time with your wife either on line with web cam so you can see each other or on telephone or in person. And maybe you should think about how you can take a sabbatical leave of absence or whatever to stay with her longer before going back to work. GOOD LUCK! and BE HAPPY! Bill
