Expert: Vincent M. Wales Date: 7/2/2008 Subject: married couple taking on a life partner...I think
Question Okay...to start off with...My wife and I have been married for 10 years now. We have a strong marriage. Everything we do is for the happiness and well being of the other.
Now to the question at hand. There is a young lady that my wife works with that both me and her talk to on a regular basis. She's younger than we are...she's 23...we're both 33. This young lady, Heather, is divorced and has been divorced for quite a long time. She does not date or go out with other men. In the past 6 months or so, she has gotten very close to my wife. They talk on the phone, internet, at work, and we go out with Heather on "dates" from time to time. She's met my kids and my kids adore her. Both her and my wife is a preschool teacher and my son goes to the preschool. He pretty much sees Heather everyday. My daughter, who is older, 8 yrs old, goes to work during the summer with her mom just to go...she too knows Heather. Heather is really good toward my kids. I knew that my wife and Heather were close and even has suspected that they were doing something behind my back. I really adore Heather, she’s a great woman. She’s smart, strong willed, and very beautiful. I asked her about what was going on and she swears nothing is happening behind my back. My wife reflected the same thing. I fully trust both of them so I let that idea die. Heather and I had setup a birthday party at another friend’s house for my wife. While we were at this party, Heather and I had found ourselves alone outside. So we started to talk about my wife. She then explained to me that she was in love with my wife. She also quickly reassured me that nothing sexual was happening between them. I told her that I trust that nothing is happening. She told me that she does not want to any way harm my marriage. Again, I trust this, I have no reason not to…she’s always been upfront and honest with me. Also bear in mind that Heather and I do talk a lot to each other as well. She’s one of my closest friends. My wife came out and we told her what we were talking about. It did not surprise her one bit. She fell right into the conversation as well. She also admitted to have fallen for Heather. I told them that we’d discuss this further once we weren’t under the influence of anything. The night continued on…I found that Heather was getting me drinks, made me a dinner plate, and doing the same for my wife. Heather would be slightly flirty toward me, but that wasn’t unusual. We were up pretty late with Heather and decided that we were too far under the influence to drive home. The three of us shared a bed that night…again, nothing sexual. Now we did cuddle together, hug, hold hands, etc throughout the night. At one point, it was just me and Heather in the bed and I had woke up to my wife watching me and her cuddled up together. I apologized for what she had seen, but instead of being mad, she told me she was happy to see that Heather and I were getting along so well. She had also said that she was glad Heather and I felt safe enough to do this without regret. Since it was early in the morning we did just lay down and go back to sleep...still the three of us together. We woke up later to all three of us still cuddled up together. On the drive home, my wife and I had a LONG talk. We talked about the fact that they had admitted to being in love. I have no issues with this. I’ve always been pretty open minded with my wife because I knew from the time I met her 12 years ago that she did have tendencies to be bisexual. This is the first time in our marriage that she expressed more than a sexual interest in a woman. She told me that she would like for the three of us to keep an open mind about what is going on. She did explain again that this was not in any way sexual. I talked to Heather a couple days later…she admitted to missing the two of us and wants to see us again on a more regular basis. We had “dated” just the three of us, but that maybe once a month or so…now we’re talking about her coming over to the house to watch movies, talk, and just be around us…and yes maybe spend the night. We are supposed to meet up here at our house for 4th of July. We’re going to have the grill going, fireworks, and just sit around and talk.
This is starting to feel like my wife and I are trying to start up a serious relationship with this lady. I feel like this could be a positive experience for the three of us. I have to admit right here and now that yes I am even starting to fall in love with Heather as well. I did express this to my wife. She did not have an issue with it and told me she was happy to hear that I liked Heather as much as she does. I am wondering how “normal” this is. I know it is unusual. Can this be a productive and healthy relationship? If all the parties involved have the same feelings toward each other, then is there any reason to avoid this relationship? I want what is best for all 5 parties involved. I know this too will involve my kids and I will have to explain this to them. I would hope that they understand that love holds no bounds. I am fully prepared to accept whatever happens between the three of us. Honestly, I would not mind adding her to our family since she is already a part of our extended family. We will be taking things slow much like a “normal” relationship. We’re not going to jump into this blind. We do have the advantage of knowing that all three of us have an open communication with each other. We have nothing to hide.
Answer CJ -
I have to admit, I read your question with a very warm feeling inside. The three of you - from your description here - appear to be well on the road to forming a wonderful triad.
So. To answer your concerns.
First: Is this normal? Well, what IS "normal," CJ? There are plenty of behaviors practiced by a LOT of people that I would personally not consider normal, but they do. And probably vice-versa. To polyamorous people, this is 100% normal. In fact, some of us regard monogamy as being abnormal, as not making sense. Of course, we also realize that it's all subjective, that what seems irrational to one person makes perfect sense to another.
Second: Can it be a productive and healthy relationship? Absolutely. I've known many triads in my time. Do they all "work"? No. But neither do many marriages. It will take a lot of hard work on all three of your parts to maintain it. Communication is key, of course, and you've already described a very good level of that.
Third: Is there any reason to avoid the relationship? I can't think of any. You're all showing excellent maturity and understanding, going into it. You realize that honesty is key, and that includes your children. The only thing you might wish to be wary of (or you may not, depending on your personalities) is the societal atmosphere. If one of your children should happen to mention that he/she now has "two mommies and a daddy," be prepared for gossip and whatnot. Depending on where you live, this could matter a lot, or not in the least.
I would strongly suggest finding some poly folks in your region. They can be a great help in answering questions you may have and just offering moral support. A good place to begin is http://www.polyamorysociety.org/localgroups.html. But Google "polyamory" and you'll get a ton of hits.
And of course, I'm always available to answer questions, too, both here and by email.
Again... congrats on the beginning of what may prove to be a beautiful, rewarding relationship for all three of you.
