I am going through a really rough time right now. My long term boyfriend, while telling me he is still very much in love with me and that we have a great relationship, broke things off a few months ago to seek his truth. He said that he isn't sure what kind of relationship he wants in his life, and doesn't want to drag me through the mess of it, while still reassuring me that he loves me, and "who knows... we may reconnect someday." He began reading the Ethical Slut, and has decided that he needs to explore whether or not poly is right for him.
In addition to our relationship, we have been ("semi-professional") dance partners for a few years now, and he has stated that he would like to continue to be, as he doesn't mesh well dancing with anyone else. Dancing with him is the most beautiful thing on earth for me, and I find rehearsing with him to be just another way of expressing together, and loving each other. He would like to remain friends and continue dancing, which we have tried to do for a few months now, but I am finding that this is torture. It only makes me ache to be with him. Yet - dancing is my passion, and I can't imagine doing it with anyone else. We work and grow so well together, and that is difficult to find.
This may sound backwards, but I feel I would be ok with his having close emotional relationships with others, as long as they did not become sexual (that part of it feels sacred to me), but when we discussed this, he stated that he wants to explore sexuality with other people as well. We discussed the fact that I feel I am incapable of "being just friends" and continuing to dance together, because it is simply too painful for me to long for him and know that he is making love to other women.
I asked him if the freedom to have multiple sex partners is really more important than everything we have built together, and he said it is not that black and white...that he doesn't know if he's doing the right thing, but if I need an answer, then yes.
I told him good luck, and "I love you." He said "I love you too," and then I walked away from our relationship, our friendship, our dancing; and what seems like everything that is most important to me. I've been through several break ups in my life so far, but this feels entirely wrong to me, and so horribly painful. I am completely devastated and feel I would do almost anything to continue to be able to love him. I am an open minded person, but not sure if I could become poly or not... I have also read about mono/poly combination relationships, but that seems like it would be unfair to both...
I have not yet read the Ethical Slut, but do intend to do so. Do you have any further suggestions or advice? Do you think it is dangerous to try poly, with the hopes of saving my relationship with the man who I love so deeply? This is all so painful, and I'm feeling lost and confused...
Many thanks for your help.
Answer Kay:
Yikes. What a miserable situation. Let me just toss a few thoughts your way, and please bear in mind that I'm not exactly the most objective person, here. I have my own views on relationships and that's likely going to color my comments.
First of all, I understand why you asked him "if the freedom to have multiple sex partners is really more important than everything [you] have built together." It's a natural thing for you to perceive his current journey as walking away from you. But I have to say, it shouldn't surprise you that he answered in the affirmative. There's a quote... I wish I could remember it exactly... but it essentially says that, at the end of our days, our regrets will be over those things we did NOT do, rather than the things we did. Some people are just not cut out for monogamy. Your boyfriend, at least, is admitting that he's unsure. If he were to suppress this curiosity, your relationship would suffer for it. I know you know this to be true.
On the other hand, it's just as likely that your relationship would suffer if you were to "try" polyamory for the sake of "saving" the relationship. Because it doesn't sound like you have that inclination, otherwise. So it would be a similar sort of situation. Ultimately, one of you will end up resenting the other person... he would resent you for "forcing" him to be monogamous; you would resent him for "forcing" you to be poly... or at least to accept his polyamorous nature, whether or not you engage in it.
Yes... I personally know that sort of situation: actively poly person married to a monogamous person. Seems to work for them. Not sure it would for me, or most, and I have my doubts about your situation.
So. What do I think you should do? Well, I do have a suggestion, but it won't be easy for you.
First, do not throw away your friendship or your professional relationship as dance partners. Yes, it's anguish right now for you, but that will lessen in time. If you two really do have a friendship underlying your romantic involvement, focus on that. Read The Ethical Slut (or other poly books... just check Amazon for several), if for no other reason than to try to understand where he's coming from. Talk to him about what he's feeling.
As I said, it won't be easy. But ask yourself this: If there's a chance that things can work between you two - whether by his abandonment of poly, your acceptance of it, or something else entirely - don't you at least want to give it a shot? If you don't, will you be sitting there ten years from now saying, "I wonder what would've happened if...?"
As tight as a couple can be, you have to remember that you're still two individuals. You each are walking your own path. And while your paths may run parallel and close together for a long time, that won't always be the case. Right now, your paths are diverging. But they still may be close enough together for you to hold hands... to chat with each other... to assist each other in your own journeys. If your paths converge later... great. If not... then you'll probably at least still have a friendship there.
Anyway... that's my two cents. Adjusting for inflation, you may find it worthless. But that's how I see it.
