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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Alternative Relationship Styles > Polyamory > Poly problem
Expert: Vincent M. Wales - 11/6/2009
Question
Hi
I have known for a long tim (since high school) that I was not interested in a monogamous relationship. I tried it through the years and it resulted in some terrible break-ups when I was unfaithful. I am finally at a point in my life where I can admitt to the women I see that i am a poly individual. This has resulted in a rekindled relationship with an ex who agreed to except my choice and still be with me. my problem arises when ever I end up being with another woman she displays intense feelings of jealousy. Going so far as to telephone the other women and rant her frustrations to them. When this happens I ask her is she sure she can be in this type of relationship it always ends with an apology from her and a promise to change. I would be find if she had other relationships, but she isn't interested. She seems to focus all her attention on mine. Is it possible for her to come to an exceptance over time or should I look into ending this? I really love her and would like it to either work or set her free to pursue a more fufilling traditional relationship. Any help will be appreciated!
Answer
Hi, Tony...
Obviously, without knowing anything more than the paragraph you wrote, I really can't make any sort of thorough analysis. But it doesn't sound good.
Some people (mainly, but not exclusively, women) have this need to "fix" people who are "damaged." I put those in quotes because (a) the damage is often only in the eye of the beholder and (b) they're not fixing anything so much as simply trying to change someone.
I knew a woman once who professed to being deeply in love with a homosexual man, to the point where she was convinced she could "turn him straight." Whether this was tremendous ego on her part or utter ignorance about homosexuality, there's no question that she was deluded.
It's possible that, just as my acquaintance believed she could win over a gay man if only she had the chance, your partner may believe she can turn you monogamous once you see how great a relationship with her is.
Again... this is nothing more than speculation, and I could be wildly off base. But either way... it's clear that she's NOT comfortable with you being poly.
Good luck.
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