Polyamory/Soo lost


Ten years ago after my wife and I had gotten married she met a woman (mj) at work who just recently moved to our city.. They became friends in and out of the bedroom I was ok with this as we had done this before when we were just dating... She became our gf we even baught her a ring... We all became close and inseparable... She lived with us... After my wife and I first child   I became very lazy at our marriage and they both left after 4 years... Of course I blamed her.... After 3 years of separation my wife and I reconciled and now we have a second child...  Her and mj  stayed very close friends... Then they had a falling off... No contact for about 2 years... Well now mj came back into our life after she and her then gf separated....  My wife and mj never skipped a beat in there friendship even after the long absence...  But somehow I cannot look at mj like a friend my mind reverts back to all 3 of us... Then I also realized that I care for her as well... I don't want to jeopardize there friendship or my marriage ... I talked to my wife she said that she loves mj just as a best friend but she can also see herself being with mj down the road... Mj said she don't want us to wait for her... . What is my best option?? They have no issues being friends... But mj also wants to be my friend...  Except I can't look at her just as a friend... Please help


It comes down to this: if you are TOTALLY UNABLE to view MJ as just a friend... then you need to separate yourself from her life.  That does NOT mean your wife has to do so.  Just you.

However... I'm guessing that you CAN do it... it'll just be difficult.  And that's something you simply need to deal with.  Relationships are difficult, no matter what kind. Romantic relationships, friendships, even family relations are difficult.  That's life.

What the three of you had ended five years ago.  All three of you were different people, then.  You and MJ need to start fresh.  Let go of what was and focus just on being a friend to her.  I have a feeling you can do it.  


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Vincent M. Wales


I will answer questions on the subject of Polyamory, including Polyfidelity and other variations.


I "came out" as poly in 1997, though I've felt my poly side strongly for a couple decades longer than that.

I am the founder of PAARC, the Polyamory Awareness & Acceptance Ribbon Campaign. I have also belonged to two local poly organizations.

None really needed for this...

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