Polyamory/NRE

Advertisement


Question
Hi Khaos, I'm Rick's wife.
Our background, 21 years, two kids, one firing, two bankruptcies, two handicapped kids, one failed business, one hugely successful business, and still married. Now there's this.
We've been in counseling for two years, fits and starts, ups and downs, and we came to the point of, well, we either do or we don't. Rick has never pressured me, letting me know he's willing to remain in a monogamous marriage. The problem with that is, well, the cat's out of the bag, right? You can't unring a bell. I know he has these feelings and desires for something more than what we have, and going back to monogamy would require some mental acrobatics to ignore the big poly elephant in the room. I would always wonder if he's suffering, if he's unhappy, if he'd eventually tire of monogamy and leave me. Option #2 is divorce. After what we've been through, what we've survived together, walking away at this point seems premature. So that leaves going ahead, opening the marriage.
Am I scared? Fuck yeah. I'm terrified. We're about to radically change our marriage, our relationship, without knowing what will happen. I'm going from never feeling worried about his love and devotion, to worrying about what will happen when he meets someone new. Will he really be polyamorous, or will he realize he's monogamous just wasn't fully happy with me. Who will he be bringing into our lives? What if she decides she wants him for herself? What if, in NRE, he agrees? Men aren't known for clear thinking when they're in the throes of lust. Will I be able to handle it or will I completely crumble?
I know the feeling is that you shouldn't do something unless you're completely sure, but sometimes you can't be sure until you actually do it. Call it Schroedinger's Polyamory. I can be both fine and a mess, we won't know until we open the box.
I don't know what you were looking for, and I really don't have a question. Yet.

Answer
Claire, I am admiring your clear-mindedness. Quite awesome.

I understand, if must be a quite unsettling transition. Especially because you don't know (you can't know) the exact destination of this journey. However, because you guys are being so honest and seeing advice as you go, I think the odds of you coming out on the other side together and stronger are very good.

Please watch this video:

https://youtu.be/C-laWOpXxC8

I believe you guys are more likely to become "monogamish" than polyamorous. Just because I am seeing this as an asymmetric interest and the odds are just plain higher in the monogamish field. Learn more about that and give them the opportunity to show you his appreciation. When he tries to show his gratitude, love, or appreciation for the freedom and trust you are giving, don't presume he is doing it with a secret agenda or ulterior motives or whatever complicated explanation for that. "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar" - Freud.

I am happy to be talking to him and now you as well. Keep sending any questions and feedback you have, and please let me know later how things are going.

Khaos

Polyamory

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


Khaos

Expertise

Any questions about how to start in the polyamory lifestyle, the challenges of modifying current relationships into polyamorous ones, and how to manage polyamorous relationships.

Experience

I have been in polyamorous relationships for several years.

Publications
I write about it in http://KhaosTheory.com

Education/Credentials
I don't have formal education in the area, but plenty of practical experience and I have been invited to talk about it at seminars and social meetings about alternative lifestyles.

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.