Polyamory/Open marriage

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Question
I am a 30 year old woman married for five years. My husband works as a commercial pilot and is away from me for long periods. It has always been a bit difficult for me to accept this as I require love and intimacy far more often than he can provide with his busy schedule. I have always been quite open to the idea of having another lover and my husband and I have been discussing this seriously for a few months. My husband was initially a bit reluctant but he slowly came around to the idea of me dating other men.

So I did meet and date a few men. It was exciting at first and I felt like a young girl again. My husband and I took things slowly at first and I agreed to keep him informed about everything I did with those men. I didn't have sex with the men I dated initially. Most dates ended with just a kiss or some petting, nothing more than that. But a month ago I met this wonderful man and I felt an instant attraction towards him. He is handsome, kind, thoughtful and funny. He is fine with the fact that I am married and it didn't bother him. Finally with my husbandís permission I had sex with him and it was wonderful. He is a much better lover than my husband and it felt amazing to be intimate with him.

I am falling in love with my lover. Itís not that I donít love my husband. I love him too and would never imagine leaving my husband. But at the same time I want to take this relationship to the next level by living with him on days that my husband is out of town or a fixed number of days in a month or something like that. My husband is against that and wants me to see him only for sex and intimacy occasionally and doesn't want me to move in with him. I am really frustrated by this current situation. I donít want to hurt my husband but I see a future with both my husband and my lover. I perhaps even see myself having kids with him in the future. I want both of them in my life. Please advise.

Answer
This is certainly a rough situation. From your description, it sounds like your husband might be realizing his worst fear.

My suspicion is that he agreed to you dating other men because he felt like he had little choice. He's gone a lot, so he may have felt that if he didn't give his consent, you'd eventually do it without his knowledge.

I believe most men fear this situation because they fear being replaced, that their significant other will find someone they see as "better" (which you've said this other man is, in at least one area). Telling your husband that you want to live with the other guy part-time is likely to be a big step toward losing you, from his perspective.

I'm not saying there's no way this will work out for you. But in order for it to do so, there will need to be a lot of in-person discussions, ultimately including your lover.

Your husband must not only be convinced that you're not leaving him, but he must also become comfortable with your lover, developing a level of trust with him.

And this will be no easy task.

Best of luck.  

Polyamory

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Vincent M. Wales

Expertise

I will answer questions on the subject of Polyamory, including Polyfidelity and other variations.

Experience

I "came out" as poly in 1997, though I've felt my poly side strongly for a couple decades longer than that.

Organizations
I am the founder of PAARC, the Polyamory Awareness & Acceptance Ribbon Campaign. I have also belonged to two local poly organizations.

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None really needed for this...

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