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Polyamory/Questions Answered by Expert Vincent M. Wales
| Subject | Date Asked |
| I think I am addicted to women | 2/11/2012 |
| Q: I don't know if you are the right expert for my scenario but we can see. If not I will take your ... A: Tyler: I can tell you flat out that, no, polyamory is not for you. Polyamory is not for cheaters. ... | |
| Polygamist and Monogamist Marriage | 2/8/2012 |
| Q: I have nothing against any type of relationship, as long as both parties are happy. That said I am ... A: Let me begin with a caveat. Defining what is or is not polyamory is a difficult venture, at best. ... | |
| from mono to poly | 1/19/2012 |
| Q: Another Help! I'm a generally mono bi male whose been in a relationship with a wonderful person of ... A: After a thorough search of the AllExperts rules, it appears that I don't have the ability to do ... | |
| from mono to poly | 1/18/2012 |
| Q: Another Help! I'm a generally mono bi male whose been in a relationship with a wonderful person of ... A: Rob: First, thank you for sharing your story with me. And I'm sorry you've been going through some ... | |
| Unsure if I'm polyamorous | 12/28/2011 |
| Q: I'm hoping you have some thoughts on this because it's not something I can talk about with many ... A: (I feel like Dear Abby when I open replies like that.) First, my sympathy to you and your husband ... | |
| New poly relationship and older children | 9/14/2011 |
| Q: I'm in a relationship with a man who is married and we both have children. I have become great ... A: A: I want to preface my reply by stating that I do not have children, nor have I personally been in ... | |
| trinogamous relationship | 7/14/2011 |
| Q: Ok im not sure if this fits into this category,but here goes. My boyfriend and I have been ... A: Kendra: Sorry... but no. Adding another person to a troubled relationship will solve nothing. It ... | |
| Fulfilling My Desires | 6/19/2011 |
| Q: First off, I would like to thank AllExperts for answering other questions I have had and I love ... A: Kim: As I'm sure you've discovered in the books you've been reading, a polyamorous life is ... | |
| Poly/mono: confused about what to do for my boyfriend and myself | 6/12/2011 |
| Q: I am a 23 year old female. For years I thought I was polyamorous. I had multiple partners, preferred ... A: Jessie: Thank you for sharing this with me. I have two responses, one short and one long. The ... | |
| Polyamorous grand-dad | 4/4/2011 |
| Q: My father-in-law is very pushy in wanting us to accept his polyamorous marriage/s, but we worry it ... A: Therese: Thank you for providing more detail. From what you describe, I'd have to agree with you. ... | |
| Polyamorous grand-dad | 4/3/2011 |
| Q: My father-in-law is very pushy in wanting us to accept his polyamorous marriage/s, but we worry it ... A: Therese Your question is troubling on a couple levels. First, regarding the BDSM materials... ... | |
| Heavy Crush | 3/22/2011 |
| Q: I really have no one else to turn to. I'm also not sure if what I'm asking about is actually poly, ... A: Milly: Well, let's cut to the chase... Lou is against an open relationship. So you're up against ... | |
| bisexual partner... | 1/15/2011 |
| Q: I have been dating my husband for four years and married for a year and a half. We both love each ... A: Emily. I agree... you're in a "super complicated" situation. Let me begin with the question of ... | |
| im not sure what it is? or what to do. | 1/11/2011 |
| Q: Vincent. I am a 22 yr old female. I started dating my boyfriend we will call him "jim" two and a ... A: Mallory: First off, I want to congratulate you on the progress you're making with the band. I ... | |
| Dating a man married in another country. | 12/6/2010 |
| Q: I have been dating this man for about two weeks now. When we met the first time he did not tell me ... A: Christyn: First, I must point out that this situation you're in does not really fit the definition ... | |
| Decision | 11/30/2010 |
| Q: So, I'm a poly woman in two relationships with a poly guy (EP) and a normally mono guy (CF). I've ... A: Patty: Thanks for the inquiry. I hope I can help. First, I want to point out that you haven't ... | |
| mono-poly-mono | 11/17/2010 |
| Q: This may take me a little while to explain. Here's my predicament: My husband and I have been in a ... A: Bean, I'm sorry to break this to you, but if your husband is not okay with you having a secondary ... | |
| How to proceed | 11/10/2010 |
| Q: My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years... He is poly, but has yet to have another ... A: Zoe... This may not be the answer you're looking for, but it's the answer I always give to this ... | |
| Apprehension | 9/30/2010 |
| Q: I am entering a new poly relationship - my second. In the first relationship I knew the couple for ... A: Nina: This is a difficult question for me to answer because the situation is not one I can imagine ... | |
| From talk to action. | 9/27/2010 |
| Q: Spent the last few hours reading your answers. Extremely compelling. I found a few posts that ... A: Brian: Kudos to all of you involved for not taking the easy way out and ignoring the boyfriends' ... | |
| Something needs to change | 9/6/2010 |
| Q: I am in a poly triad with a male and another female. For the most part I have been and am very ... A: J: First of all, I want to commend you on having a pretty clear grasp of the situation (or so it ... | |
| Starting again | 8/18/2010 |
| Q: So me and my wife have been married for 2 years and been together for another 2 before that. We had ... A: Jeff: First, my sympathies on the earlier experience. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Got ... | |
| who is primary ? | 7/8/2010 |
| Q: . Im a 32 yrs old married Indian mom of 2 kids. My family stays in Kolkata in eastern India. For the ... A: J. I'll begin by saying that I'm not particularly fond of labels such as "primary" and "secondary," ... | |
| Poly in a monogamous relationship | 7/4/2010 |
| Q: I am a 27 year old woman in a monogamous relationship with a 25 year old man. We have been together ... A: Shea: There are many approaches you could take with this, though I have no idea which one(s) Brett ... | |
| group blow up | 6/28/2010 |
| Q: Ok. Will keep this sort as I can. Met Cindy 20 years ago.Cindy was partnered with Ann at the time ... A: Linda: First off... I'm so sorry things went as they did for you. I could feel the pain, despite ... | |
| New Poly marriage | 5/24/2010 |
| Q: First I want to say how happy I am to have found this site. It is amazing how little feedback there ... A: Lisa: I wish I could say that you have nothing to worry about, but you know I'd be wrong. From the ... | |
| Liking/disliking other partners | 4/4/2010 |
| Q: My primary partner is in a relationship with a woman I detest - not jealous, there are legitimate ... A: Sheri: The problem with telling you what is "poly appropriate" is that this varies from ... | |
| Polyamory gone bad or something else? | 3/11/2010 |
| Q: a good male friend has been part of a polyamorous relationship with the girl who was his fiance and ... A: Caroline: I wish I could give you some concrete ideas, but I really can't. The "interpersonal ... | |
| Quad-relationship problems.... | 2/9/2010 |
| Q: I am a member of a quad-relationship. We started out as two couples who've known each other for a ... A: Erin: First, let me say up front that I'm not a "professional," so I can't give you a reply from "a ... | |
| starting a poly relationship...questions... | 1/18/2010 |
| Q: first of all i appreciate you taking the time to read and respond to my question. i have read around ... A: Amy: Thanks for your question, and there's absolutely no need to apologize for the length. Longer ... | |
| moving past the pain | 1/5/2010 |
| Q: i have been dating my boyfriend for about 4 years now, when we first got together we talked alot ... A: Your feelings are quite justified. I don't blame you for being distressed over this. As I see it, ... | |
| Too young for polyamory? | 12/3/2009 |
| Q: For the past ten months I have been in a wonderful relationship with my girlfriend, “Hannah.” She is ... A: Rob, this isn't really a question that I can really answer for you. I don't know the emotional ... | |
| Poly problem | 11/6/2009 |
| Q: I have known for a long tim (since high school) that I was not interested in a monogamous ... A: Tony... Obviously, without knowing anything more than the paragraph you wrote, I really can't make ... | |
| Becoming poly to keep my relationship? | 10/7/2009 |
| Q: I am going through a really rough time right now. My long term boyfriend, while telling me he is ... A: Kay: Yikes. What a miserable situation. Let me just toss a few thoughts your way, and please bear ... | |
| should i let him go | 9/8/2009 |
| Q: i'm more than 10 yrs older than my husband and been together for 11 yrs. When we first met we agreed ... A: Not quite sure what you're asking, Jill. You state that you've tried to leave in the past but that ... | |
| Breaking free from monogamy | 8/14/2009 |
| Q: So, my husband and I sat down a few months ago and had a very lengthy discussion about being in an ... A: Amy. This is, sadly, a pretty familiar scenario for many couples who embark down the poly path. ... | |
| Child Custody | 8/13/2009 |
| Q: In the past year my wife and I became involved with another women who is going thru a divorce. Her ... A: Jeff: This is a very sticky situation. On the one hand, the ex may just be posturing. He may be ... | |
| Perhaps a Poly? or maybe just Selfish. | 7/28/2009 |
| Q: I have been reading through this wonderful site and would love some of your excellent advice. I will ... A: Emily: First off, I'm sorry to hear you're going through a troubling time. And I wish I could give ... | |
| should i even care about this or this girl | 6/26/2009 |
| Q: What do i do about this girl? a long question about a lesbian problem please read all and answer ... A: Tilly: Stop being coy about it. Call her up, get together, and lay it on the table. Ask her flat ... | |
| Another woman | 6/19/2009 |
| Q: My huge feelings make me handicap to know what first to say, but I will make up my self and start ... A: Let me see if I understand this correctly. You're interested in another woman besides your wife, ... | |
| confused about poly potential | 6/12/2009 |
| Q: First let me preface by saying that I have done ALOT of reading into this subject, so I would ... A: Okay… I could try to offer armchair psychoanalysis about what may or may not be behind his ... | |
| confused about poly potential | 6/11/2009 |
| Q: First let me preface by saying that I have done ALOT of reading into this subject, so I would ... A: Lara: Quite a complicated situation you’ve got going, here. Obviously, you’re pretty confused (and ... | |
| Monogamous male, polyamorous female - I feel lost! | 5/28/2009 |
| Q: I am a monogamous male, who has known this very lovely individual for just over two years. We ... A: Okay, great... communication progress! Now, one thing that I hope will put you more at ease... ... | |
| Monogamous male, polyamorous female - I feel lost! | 5/27/2009 |
| Q: I am a monogamous male, who has known this very lovely individual for just over two years. We ... A: Okay, if you want to use poly terminology, what you're wanting is for you to be her "primary," i.e., ... | |
| Monogamous male, polyamorous female - I feel lost! | 5/27/2009 |
| Q: I am a monogamous male, who has known this very lovely individual for just over two years. We ... A: Steven: One of the things that mono folks don't seem to understand is that the word "commitment" ... | |
| Polyamory and bisexuality | 4/6/2009 |
| Q: Are you aware of any statistics regarding percentage of hetero, bi, or homosexual individuals in ... A: In 2001, Loving More Magazine conducted a survey of over 1000 people who self-identify as ... | |
| relationship problems and polyamory | 3/26/2009 |
| Q: my boyfriend strongly wants to open our relationship up to polyamory to include his another woman ... A: Then as I said before, the real issue would be the nature of the problems and issues that exist in ... | |
| relationship problems and polyamory | 3/26/2009 |
| Q: my boyfriend strongly wants to open our relationship up to polyamory to include his another woman ... A: So this fear you have of losing him... is it based on a past history of behavior on his part, or is ... | |
| relationship problems and polyamory | 3/25/2009 |
| Q: my boyfriend strongly wants to open our relationship up to polyamory to include his another woman ... A: Cindy: If your relationship with your boyfriend is riddled with problems, then it's highly likely ... | |
| Am I polyamourous? If so how can I tell my boyfriend? | 3/6/2009 |
| Q: I think I may be polyamourous but I’m not sure. I was with my first boyfriend for just over 2 years ... A: Annie: The simple answer to your first question is: Yes... you could be poly. But not necessarily. ... | |
| Starting a new Poly relationship, dealing with jealousy | 2/25/2009 |
| Q: I was in a poly relationship, where I was joining an existing couple. Turns out the woman that was ... A: Probably the most basic difference in perspectives between monos and polys is what you've just ... | |
| Starting a new Poly relationship, dealing with jealousy | 2/24/2009 |
| Q: I was in a poly relationship, where I was joining an existing couple. Turns out the woman that was ... A: Chantelle: This is, unfortunately, a somewhat common problem in poly relationships. Been through ... | |
| shocked | 2/9/2009 |
| Q: I've recently started dating a man and we've really hit it off. He's handsome, smart, funny, rich ... A: Tara... this really has nothing to do with my area of expertise, but I'm going to answer you anyway. ... | |
| Negative reaction from children | 2/7/2009 |
| Q: I am involved in a triad (MFF)with a long-time married couple. The relationship is going on 2 years ... A: Harley: Well, that's sure an unpleasant situation. It's also not an easy one for me to address, ... | |
| Confused about my feelings. | 9/21/2008 |
| Q: My friend (and lover of several years) and I are in an open relationship, and several months ago ... A: I would agree with you... I don't think jealousy is the issue, here. Reading this as you've ... | |
| Urgent Time Frame: Advice on relationship. | 8/16/2008 |
| Q: I am 18 years old and i have been in a year and a half relationship with my boyfriend who is 29. It ... A: Okay. The thing that really strikes me here is that neither of you seems inclined to an actual ... | |
| servicing our friend | 8/6/2008 |
| Q: I have been married for 31 years. My husband and I have a dear friend who has never married. I ... A: It doesn't sound like you're missing anything, assuming that your friend has no expectations beyond ... | |
| Starting a relationship | 8/2/2008 |
| Q: I have been in a monogamous relationship for 3.5 years and over two years of that has been spent ... A: Claire. Thanks for writing, and sharing such a significant issue with me. I'll try to offer some ... | |
| Open relationship run amok... | 7/25/2008 |
| Q: For over a year now, my boyfriend and I have been in an open relationship and for a while, it was ... A: Y'know, you're really asking for an answer to a question that just isn't possible to give. The only ... | |
| treading lightly | 7/13/2008 |
| Q: After doing some reading about polyamory, I found myself deeply intrigued. It appealed to me. I ... A: Leah: There's really no way for me, or anyone, to predict how adding a third to your relationship ... | |
| Open relationship run amok... | 7/11/2008 |
| Q: For over a year now, my boyfriend and I have been in an open relationship and for a while, it was ... A: A lot of people believe the biggest threat to poly relationships is jealousy. For some, this may be ... | |
| which is the best option | 7/2/2008 |
| Q: Im a 39 yrs old lady married for the last 22 yrs & having a son who is now about to complete his ... A: Runu: This is quite the complicated situation you've found yourself in, isn't it? I'd like to ask ... | |
| married couple taking on a life partner...I think | 7/2/2008 |
| Q: Okay...to start off with...My wife and I have been married for 10 years now. We have a strong ... A: CJ - I have to admit, I read your question with a very warm feeling inside. The three of you - ... | |
| Don't know what to do. | 6/11/2008 |
| Q: I'll keep this short and to the point. I'm 30. The other day I walked in on the girl I've been ... A: This is actually a question with a few layers. Really, what you should do depends on what you want. ... | |
| poly and children | 3/10/2008 |
| Q: I also have a question about how much to share with my child. My husband and I have been married 27 ... A: Lisa: Keep in mind I'm not an M.F.T. or anything, but I really do think you should tell him. As ... | |
| In a Polyamorus Relationship... | 12/1/2007 |
| Q: I've just recently involved myself in a polyamorus relationship...i'm monogamous...or so i think. My ... A: Like many things in life, our views and positions on things can change. Twenty years ago, I didn't ... | |
| polyamory | 10/30/2007 |
| Q: Is it polyamory when you are an established couple and invite another person into your bed on ... A: Consider that polyamory is about love, not sex, and I think you might have the answer to your own ... | |
| ending a relationship | 8/23/2007 |
| Q: I have been in a FMF relationship (I'm the second F) for about 5 years now. No kids, but we do own a ... A: No, once the re-fi is done, and your name is off the mortgage, you're not legally responsible for ... | |
| ending a relationship | 8/23/2007 |
| Q: I have been in a FMF relationship (I'm the second F) for about 5 years now. No kids, but we do own a ... A: The house will need to be refinanced under the name(s) of whomever is staying in the house, whether ... | |
| Poly and children | 8/10/2007 |
| Q: I have been in a poly relationship for 3 years now. We are a happy polyfidelitous triad (FFM) with 4 ... A: Cyndi: Wow, this is really a touchy one. Let me preface this by saying that a LOT depends on the ... | |
| I first started out as a...... | 7/1/2007 |
| Q: My name is Rob. My wife and I first started swinging early on in our relationship. Now, ten years ... A: Rob. Well, the first thing I would suggest you do is sit down with your wife and talk about it. ... | |
| My long-term bf just came out to me as polyamorous... | 5/1/2007 |
| Q: My long-term bf just came out to me as polyamorous. I am monogamous. The only thing even close to ... A: Alice: I want to say first off that I'm sorry you're going through this. I know how painful it ... | |
| polyamory + insecurity = aaaah!! | 4/13/2007 |
| Q: My partner and I have a polyamorous relationship, and we like it that way. I can't even imagine how ... A: Edie: No, this doesn't really have directly to do with poly, but that's okay. It has to do with ... | |
| I would like to become a | 4/10/2007 |
| Q: I am very interested in becoming a polygamist, and I would like to find a husband or a family that ... A: Just to clarify: polygamy (the practice of having multiple married spouses) is not legal in the ... | |
| unhappy in polyamory | 12/5/2006 |
| Q: My fiance and I have been together for 6 years. He says that he is more comfortable in a three ... A: June: There are a lot of things I could say right now, but the truth is, I don't have a complete ... | |
| Transition of divorce | 10/4/2006 |
| Q: Im recently divorced my ex husband hooked up with his sons mother when we seperated. I was her ... A: Liz: That's very interesting that you think you may see this trait in him. I'll offer my idea for ... | |
| adoption | 8/30/2006 |
| Q: I am in a polyamorous relationship with two men and one of them is interested in adoption. Do you ... A: Jessica: The difficult part of offering resources here is that, unlike homosexual relationships, ... | |
| Poly-relationship | 7/25/2005 |
| Q: I'm a poly in a loving relationship. My girl understands and accepts my poly nature. I am currently ... A: Marc: When someone is "hunting" for a potential relationship partner, it's a good idea to "hunt ... | |
| polygamy? | 5/9/2005 |
| Q: I think that you are probably not the person I need to talk to however my boyfriend (soon to ... A: The first place I'd suggest is www.lovemore.com. This was the site where I first discovered the term ... | |
| Friends with Benefits | 3/25/2005 |
| Q: I'm also posting this in "polygamy" because I dont know where it belongs... This is a long story - ... A: Jennie: Yeah, that's a nasty situation. It would be nice if you could turn back time and be ... | |
| Poly Relationships | 7/19/2004 |
| Q: Have read true and fantasy stories about people engaging in Poly relationships for both sexual ... A: The difference is quite profound. Polygamy as practiced by Mormons was (and still is, by some ... | |
| Am I POLYAMOROUS? | 7/13/2004 |
| Q: I have been called a "Serial Monogomist". Since the age of 14 or 15 when I first started going out ... A: Amanda... First of all, I'm DREADFULLY sorry about the delay in response. A week ago, the morons ... | |
| Polyamory legal issues | 6/18/2004 |
| Q: I am a member of a well-established all-female triad. We are planning to have children next year ... A: Rachel: This isn't an easy question to answer, because legal issues vary widely on a state by state ... | |
| Benefits of Polyamory | 5/5/2004 |
| Q: Firstly, thank you for your service. Is it possible to view the questions and answers of those who ... A: Raam: Two very good questions. The first one, I can't answer. I, myself, can only see a very ... | |
| Poly and Breastfeeding | 5/4/2004 |
| Q: Vincent, I recently entered into a poly relationship with a couple who live not far from me. I ... A: Fred: Well, the breastfeeding bit is way out of my area of expertise. And as for poly relationship ... | |
| romantic interest | 3/4/2004 |
| Q: my spouse and i have agreed to try a polyamory lifestyle.Im interested in a man who is also married ... A: The first question that comes to my mind is, how well do you know this couple? You'll bring up the ... | |
| polyamory | 2/12/2004 |
| Q: I have discussed open marriage with my husband. I have not been involved with anyone else and I am ... A: Steph... You're experiencing a very awkward, but very common, aspect of poly right now. The ... | |
| What is polyamory? I can find the definition. | 4/22/2003 |
| Q: Can you tell me what is polyamory? I think i know, but not sure. Thanks! Mary A: Mary: I maintain a website that might be helpful to you. It's the POLYAMORY AWARENESS AND ... | |
| polyfidelitous committment | 11/20/2002 |
| Q: I am currently involved with a wonderful couple (fmf). We've only been together a few months, but ... A: Courtney: I'm sorry you felt my reply was "hurried." But the truth is that I am the furthest thing ... | |
Vincent M. Wales
Top Expert on this page
Expertise
I will answer questions on the subject of Polyamory, including Polyfidelity and other variations.
Experience
I "came out" as poly in 1997, though I've felt my poly side strongly for a couple decades longer than that.
Organizations
I am the founder of PAARC, the Polyamory Awareness & Acceptance Ribbon Campaign. I have also belonged to two local poly organizations.
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