Polyamory/Questions Answered by Expert Vincent M. Wales

SubjectDate Asked
I think I am addicted to women2/11/2012
  Q: I don't know if you are the right expert for my scenario but we can see. If not I will take your ...
  A: Tyler: I can tell you flat out that, no, polyamory is not for you. Polyamory is not for cheaters. ...
Polygamist and Monogamist Marriage2/8/2012
  Q: I have nothing against any type of relationship, as long as both parties are happy. That said I am ...
  A: Let me begin with a caveat. Defining what is or is not polyamory is a difficult venture, at best. ...
from mono to poly1/19/2012
  Q: Another Help! I'm a generally mono bi male whose been in a relationship with a wonderful person of ...
  A: After a thorough search of the AllExperts rules, it appears that I don't have the ability to do ...
from mono to poly1/18/2012
  Q: Another Help! I'm a generally mono bi male whose been in a relationship with a wonderful person of ...
  A: Rob: First, thank you for sharing your story with me. And I'm sorry you've been going through some ...
Unsure if I'm polyamorous12/28/2011
  Q: I'm hoping you have some thoughts on this because it's not something I can talk about with many ...
  A: (I feel like Dear Abby when I open replies like that.) First, my sympathy to you and your husband ...
New poly relationship and older children9/14/2011
  Q: I'm in a relationship with a man who is married and we both have children. I have become great ...
  A: A: I want to preface my reply by stating that I do not have children, nor have I personally been in ...
trinogamous relationship7/14/2011
  Q: Ok im not sure if this fits into this category,but here goes. My boyfriend and I have been ...
  A: Kendra: Sorry... but no. Adding another person to a troubled relationship will solve nothing. It ...
Fulfilling My Desires6/19/2011
  Q: First off, I would like to thank AllExperts for answering other questions I have had and I love ...
  A: Kim: As I'm sure you've discovered in the books you've been reading, a polyamorous life is ...
Poly/mono: confused about what to do for my boyfriend and myself6/12/2011
  Q: I am a 23 year old female. For years I thought I was polyamorous. I had multiple partners, preferred ...
  A: Jessie: Thank you for sharing this with me. I have two responses, one short and one long. The ...
Polyamorous grand-dad4/4/2011
  Q: My father-in-law is very pushy in wanting us to accept his polyamorous marriage/s, but we worry it ...
  A: Therese: Thank you for providing more detail. From what you describe, I'd have to agree with you. ...
Polyamorous grand-dad4/3/2011
  Q: My father-in-law is very pushy in wanting us to accept his polyamorous marriage/s, but we worry it ...
  A: Therese Your question is troubling on a couple levels. First, regarding the BDSM materials... ...
Heavy Crush3/22/2011
  Q: I really have no one else to turn to. I'm also not sure if what I'm asking about is actually poly, ...
  A: Milly: Well, let's cut to the chase... Lou is against an open relationship. So you're up against ...
bisexual partner...1/15/2011
  Q: I have been dating my husband for four years and married for a year and a half. We both love each ...
  A: Emily. I agree... you're in a "super complicated" situation. Let me begin with the question of ...
im not sure what it is? or what to do.1/11/2011
  Q: Vincent. I am a 22 yr old female. I started dating my boyfriend we will call him "jim" two and a ...
  A: Mallory: First off, I want to congratulate you on the progress you're making with the band. I ...
Dating a man married in another country.12/6/2010
  Q: I have been dating this man for about two weeks now. When we met the first time he did not tell me ...
  A: Christyn: First, I must point out that this situation you're in does not really fit the definition ...
Decision11/30/2010
  Q: So, I'm a poly woman in two relationships with a poly guy (EP) and a normally mono guy (CF). I've ...
  A: Patty: Thanks for the inquiry. I hope I can help. First, I want to point out that you haven't ...
mono-poly-mono11/17/2010
  Q: This may take me a little while to explain. Here's my predicament: My husband and I have been in a ...
  A: Bean, I'm sorry to break this to you, but if your husband is not okay with you having a secondary ...
How to proceed11/10/2010
  Q: My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years... He is poly, but has yet to have another ...
  A: Zoe... This may not be the answer you're looking for, but it's the answer I always give to this ...
Apprehension9/30/2010
  Q: I am entering a new poly relationship - my second. In the first relationship I knew the couple for ...
  A: Nina: This is a difficult question for me to answer because the situation is not one I can imagine ...
From talk to action.9/27/2010
  Q: Spent the last few hours reading your answers. Extremely compelling. I found a few posts that ...
  A: Brian: Kudos to all of you involved for not taking the easy way out and ignoring the boyfriends' ...
Something needs to change9/6/2010
  Q: I am in a poly triad with a male and another female. For the most part I have been and am very ...
  A: J: First of all, I want to commend you on having a pretty clear grasp of the situation (or so it ...
Starting again8/18/2010
  Q: So me and my wife have been married for 2 years and been together for another 2 before that. We had ...
  A: Jeff: First, my sympathies on the earlier experience. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Got ...
who is primary ?7/8/2010
  Q: . Im a 32 yrs old married Indian mom of 2 kids. My family stays in Kolkata in eastern India. For the ...
  A: J. I'll begin by saying that I'm not particularly fond of labels such as "primary" and "secondary," ...
Poly in a monogamous relationship7/4/2010
  Q: I am a 27 year old woman in a monogamous relationship with a 25 year old man. We have been together ...
  A: Shea: There are many approaches you could take with this, though I have no idea which one(s) Brett ...
group blow up6/28/2010
  Q: Ok. Will keep this sort as I can. Met Cindy 20 years ago.Cindy was partnered with Ann at the time ...
  A: Linda: First off... I'm so sorry things went as they did for you. I could feel the pain, despite ...
New Poly marriage5/24/2010
  Q: First I want to say how happy I am to have found this site. It is amazing how little feedback there ...
  A: Lisa: I wish I could say that you have nothing to worry about, but you know I'd be wrong. From the ...
Liking/disliking other partners4/4/2010
  Q: My primary partner is in a relationship with a woman I detest - not jealous, there are legitimate ...
  A: Sheri: The problem with telling you what is "poly appropriate" is that this varies from ...
Polyamory gone bad or something else?3/11/2010
  Q: a good male friend has been part of a polyamorous relationship with the girl who was his fiance and ...
  A: Caroline: I wish I could give you some concrete ideas, but I really can't. The "interpersonal ...
Quad-relationship problems....2/9/2010
  Q: I am a member of a quad-relationship. We started out as two couples who've known each other for a ...
  A: Erin: First, let me say up front that I'm not a "professional," so I can't give you a reply from "a ...
starting a poly relationship...questions...1/18/2010
  Q: first of all i appreciate you taking the time to read and respond to my question. i have read around ...
  A: Amy: Thanks for your question, and there's absolutely no need to apologize for the length. Longer ...
moving past the pain1/5/2010
  Q: i have been dating my boyfriend for about 4 years now, when we first got together we talked alot ...
  A: Your feelings are quite justified. I don't blame you for being distressed over this. As I see it, ...
Too young for polyamory?12/3/2009
  Q: For the past ten months I have been in a wonderful relationship with my girlfriend, “Hannah.” She is ...
  A: Rob, this isn't really a question that I can really answer for you. I don't know the emotional ...
Poly problem11/6/2009
  Q: I have known for a long tim (since high school) that I was not interested in a monogamous ...
  A: Tony... Obviously, without knowing anything more than the paragraph you wrote, I really can't make ...
Becoming poly to keep my relationship?10/7/2009
  Q: I am going through a really rough time right now. My long term boyfriend, while telling me he is ...
  A: Kay: Yikes. What a miserable situation. Let me just toss a few thoughts your way, and please bear ...
should i let him go9/8/2009
  Q: i'm more than 10 yrs older than my husband and been together for 11 yrs. When we first met we agreed ...
  A: Not quite sure what you're asking, Jill. You state that you've tried to leave in the past but that ...
Breaking free from monogamy8/14/2009
  Q: So, my husband and I sat down a few months ago and had a very lengthy discussion about being in an ...
  A: Amy. This is, sadly, a pretty familiar scenario for many couples who embark down the poly path. ...
Child Custody8/13/2009
  Q: In the past year my wife and I became involved with another women who is going thru a divorce. Her ...
  A: Jeff: This is a very sticky situation. On the one hand, the ex may just be posturing. He may be ...
Perhaps a Poly? or maybe just Selfish.7/28/2009
  Q: I have been reading through this wonderful site and would love some of your excellent advice. I will ...
  A: Emily: First off, I'm sorry to hear you're going through a troubling time. And I wish I could give ...
should i even care about this or this girl6/26/2009
  Q: What do i do about this girl? a long question about a lesbian problem please read all and answer ...
  A: Tilly: Stop being coy about it. Call her up, get together, and lay it on the table. Ask her flat ...
Another woman6/19/2009
  Q: My huge feelings make me handicap to know what first to say, but I will make up my self and start ...
  A: Let me see if I understand this correctly. You're interested in another woman besides your wife, ...
confused about poly potential6/12/2009
  Q: First let me preface by saying that I have done ALOT of reading into this subject, so I would ...
  A: Okay… I could try to offer armchair psychoanalysis about what may or may not be behind his ...
confused about poly potential6/11/2009
  Q: First let me preface by saying that I have done ALOT of reading into this subject, so I would ...
  A: Lara: Quite a complicated situation you’ve got going, here. Obviously, you’re pretty confused (and ...
Monogamous male, polyamorous female - I feel lost!5/28/2009
  Q: I am a monogamous male, who has known this very lovely individual for just over two years. We ...
  A: Okay, great... communication progress! Now, one thing that I hope will put you more at ease... ...
Monogamous male, polyamorous female - I feel lost!5/27/2009
  Q: I am a monogamous male, who has known this very lovely individual for just over two years. We ...
  A: Okay, if you want to use poly terminology, what you're wanting is for you to be her "primary," i.e., ...
Monogamous male, polyamorous female - I feel lost!5/27/2009
  Q: I am a monogamous male, who has known this very lovely individual for just over two years. We ...
  A: Steven: One of the things that mono folks don't seem to understand is that the word "commitment" ...
Polyamory and bisexuality4/6/2009
  Q: Are you aware of any statistics regarding percentage of hetero, bi, or homosexual individuals in ...
  A: In 2001, Loving More Magazine conducted a survey of over 1000 people who self-identify as ...
relationship problems and polyamory3/26/2009
  Q: my boyfriend strongly wants to open our relationship up to polyamory to include his another woman ...
  A: Then as I said before, the real issue would be the nature of the problems and issues that exist in ...
relationship problems and polyamory3/26/2009
  Q: my boyfriend strongly wants to open our relationship up to polyamory to include his another woman ...
  A: So this fear you have of losing him... is it based on a past history of behavior on his part, or is ...
relationship problems and polyamory3/25/2009
  Q: my boyfriend strongly wants to open our relationship up to polyamory to include his another woman ...
  A: Cindy: If your relationship with your boyfriend is riddled with problems, then it's highly likely ...
Am I polyamourous? If so how can I tell my boyfriend?3/6/2009
  Q: I think I may be polyamourous but I’m not sure. I was with my first boyfriend for just over 2 years ...
  A: Annie: The simple answer to your first question is: Yes... you could be poly. But not necessarily. ...
Starting a new Poly relationship, dealing with jealousy2/25/2009
  Q: I was in a poly relationship, where I was joining an existing couple. Turns out the woman that was ...
  A: Probably the most basic difference in perspectives between monos and polys is what you've just ...
Starting a new Poly relationship, dealing with jealousy2/24/2009
  Q: I was in a poly relationship, where I was joining an existing couple. Turns out the woman that was ...
  A: Chantelle: This is, unfortunately, a somewhat common problem in poly relationships. Been through ...
shocked2/9/2009
  Q: I've recently started dating a man and we've really hit it off. He's handsome, smart, funny, rich ...
  A: Tara... this really has nothing to do with my area of expertise, but I'm going to answer you anyway. ...
Negative reaction from children2/7/2009
  Q: I am involved in a triad (MFF)with a long-time married couple. The relationship is going on 2 years ...
  A: Harley: Well, that's sure an unpleasant situation. It's also not an easy one for me to address, ...
Confused about my feelings.9/21/2008
  Q: My friend (and lover of several years) and I are in an open relationship, and several months ago ...
  A: I would agree with you... I don't think jealousy is the issue, here. Reading this as you've ...
Urgent Time Frame: Advice on relationship.8/16/2008
  Q: I am 18 years old and i have been in a year and a half relationship with my boyfriend who is 29. It ...
  A: Okay. The thing that really strikes me here is that neither of you seems inclined to an actual ...
servicing our friend8/6/2008
  Q: I have been married for 31 years. My husband and I have a dear friend who has never married. I ...
  A: It doesn't sound like you're missing anything, assuming that your friend has no expectations beyond ...
Starting a relationship8/2/2008
  Q: I have been in a monogamous relationship for 3.5 years and over two years of that has been spent ...
  A: Claire. Thanks for writing, and sharing such a significant issue with me. I'll try to offer some ...
Open relationship run amok...7/25/2008
  Q: For over a year now, my boyfriend and I have been in an open relationship and for a while, it was ...
  A: Y'know, you're really asking for an answer to a question that just isn't possible to give. The only ...
treading lightly7/13/2008
  Q: After doing some reading about polyamory, I found myself deeply intrigued. It appealed to me. I ...
  A: Leah: There's really no way for me, or anyone, to predict how adding a third to your relationship ...
Open relationship run amok...7/11/2008
  Q: For over a year now, my boyfriend and I have been in an open relationship and for a while, it was ...
  A: A lot of people believe the biggest threat to poly relationships is jealousy. For some, this may be ...
which is the best option7/2/2008
  Q: Im a 39 yrs old lady married for the last 22 yrs & having a son who is now about to complete his ...
  A: Runu: This is quite the complicated situation you've found yourself in, isn't it? I'd like to ask ...
married couple taking on a life partner...I think7/2/2008
  Q: Okay...to start off with...My wife and I have been married for 10 years now. We have a strong ...
  A: CJ - I have to admit, I read your question with a very warm feeling inside. The three of you - ...
Don't know what to do.6/11/2008
  Q: I'll keep this short and to the point. I'm 30. The other day I walked in on the girl I've been ...
  A: This is actually a question with a few layers. Really, what you should do depends on what you want. ...
poly and children3/10/2008
  Q: I also have a question about how much to share with my child. My husband and I have been married 27 ...
  A: Lisa: Keep in mind I'm not an M.F.T. or anything, but I really do think you should tell him. As ...
In a Polyamorus Relationship...12/1/2007
  Q: I've just recently involved myself in a polyamorus relationship...i'm monogamous...or so i think. My ...
  A: Like many things in life, our views and positions on things can change. Twenty years ago, I didn't ...
polyamory10/30/2007
  Q: Is it polyamory when you are an established couple and invite another person into your bed on ...
  A: Consider that polyamory is about love, not sex, and I think you might have the answer to your own ...
ending a relationship8/23/2007
  Q: I have been in a FMF relationship (I'm the second F) for about 5 years now. No kids, but we do own a ...
  A: No, once the re-fi is done, and your name is off the mortgage, you're not legally responsible for ...
ending a relationship8/23/2007
  Q: I have been in a FMF relationship (I'm the second F) for about 5 years now. No kids, but we do own a ...
  A: The house will need to be refinanced under the name(s) of whomever is staying in the house, whether ...
Poly and children8/10/2007
  Q: I have been in a poly relationship for 3 years now. We are a happy polyfidelitous triad (FFM) with 4 ...
  A: Cyndi: Wow, this is really a touchy one. Let me preface this by saying that a LOT depends on the ...
I first started out as a......7/1/2007
  Q: My name is Rob. My wife and I first started swinging early on in our relationship. Now, ten years ...
  A: Rob. Well, the first thing I would suggest you do is sit down with your wife and talk about it. ...
My long-term bf just came out to me as polyamorous...5/1/2007
  Q: My long-term bf just came out to me as polyamorous. I am monogamous. The only thing even close to ...
  A: Alice: I want to say first off that I'm sorry you're going through this. I know how painful it ...
polyamory + insecurity = aaaah!!4/13/2007
  Q: My partner and I have a polyamorous relationship, and we like it that way. I can't even imagine how ...
  A: Edie: No, this doesn't really have directly to do with poly, but that's okay. It has to do with ...
I would like to become a4/10/2007
  Q: I am very interested in becoming a polygamist, and I would like to find a husband or a family that ...
  A: Just to clarify: polygamy (the practice of having multiple married spouses) is not legal in the ...
unhappy in polyamory12/5/2006
  Q: My fiance and I have been together for 6 years. He says that he is more comfortable in a three ...
  A: June: There are a lot of things I could say right now, but the truth is, I don't have a complete ...
Transition of divorce10/4/2006
  Q: Im recently divorced my ex husband hooked up with his sons mother when we seperated. I was her ...
  A: Liz: That's very interesting that you think you may see this trait in him. I'll offer my idea for ...
adoption8/30/2006
  Q: I am in a polyamorous relationship with two men and one of them is interested in adoption. Do you ...
  A: Jessica: The difficult part of offering resources here is that, unlike homosexual relationships, ...
Poly-relationship7/25/2005
  Q: I'm a poly in a loving relationship. My girl understands and accepts my poly nature. I am currently ...
  A: Marc: When someone is "hunting" for a potential relationship partner, it's a good idea to "hunt ...
polygamy?5/9/2005
  Q: I think that you are probably not the person I need to talk to however my boyfriend (soon to ...
  A: The first place I'd suggest is www.lovemore.com. This was the site where I first discovered the term ...
Friends with Benefits3/25/2005
  Q: I'm also posting this in "polygamy" because I dont know where it belongs... This is a long story - ...
  A: Jennie: Yeah, that's a nasty situation. It would be nice if you could turn back time and be ...
Poly Relationships7/19/2004
  Q: Have read true and fantasy stories about people engaging in Poly relationships for both sexual ...
  A: The difference is quite profound. Polygamy as practiced by Mormons was (and still is, by some ...
Am I POLYAMOROUS?7/13/2004
  Q: I have been called a "Serial Monogomist". Since the age of 14 or 15 when I first started going out ...
  A: Amanda... First of all, I'm DREADFULLY sorry about the delay in response. A week ago, the morons ...
Polyamory legal issues6/18/2004
  Q: I am a member of a well-established all-female triad. We are planning to have children next year ...
  A: Rachel: This isn't an easy question to answer, because legal issues vary widely on a state by state ...
Benefits of Polyamory5/5/2004
  Q: Firstly, thank you for your service. Is it possible to view the questions and answers of those who ...
  A: Raam: Two very good questions. The first one, I can't answer. I, myself, can only see a very ...
Poly and Breastfeeding5/4/2004
  Q: Vincent, I recently entered into a poly relationship with a couple who live not far from me. I ...
  A: Fred: Well, the breastfeeding bit is way out of my area of expertise. And as for poly relationship ...
romantic interest3/4/2004
  Q: my spouse and i have agreed to try a polyamory lifestyle.Im interested in a man who is also married ...
  A: The first question that comes to my mind is, how well do you know this couple? You'll bring up the ...
polyamory2/12/2004
  Q: I have discussed open marriage with my husband. I have not been involved with anyone else and I am ...
  A: Steph... You're experiencing a very awkward, but very common, aspect of poly right now. The ...
What is polyamory? I can find the definition.4/22/2003
  Q: Can you tell me what is polyamory? I think i know, but not sure. Thanks! Mary
  A: Mary: I maintain a website that might be helpful to you. It's the POLYAMORY AWARENESS AND ...
polyfidelitous committment11/20/2002
  Q: I am currently involved with a wonderful couple (fmf). We've only been together a few months, but ...
  A: Courtney: I'm sorry you felt my reply was "hurried." But the truth is that I am the furthest thing ...

All Questions in This Category

Polyamory

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


Vincent M. Wales

Top Expert on this page

Expertise

I will answer questions on the subject of Polyamory, including Polyfidelity and other variations.

Experience

I "came out" as poly in 1997, though I've felt my poly side strongly for a couple decades longer than that.

Organizations
I am the founder of PAARC, the Polyamory Awareness & Acceptance Ribbon Campaign. I have also belonged to two local poly organizations.

©2012 About.com, a part of The New York Times Company. All rights reserved.