AboutJames Joseph Parker Expertise I can offer individuals who suffer from the effects of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD, the understanding that is often sorely lacking in this area of mental health, and I can answer many of the questions that are specific to this disease. In addition, I can address many of the questions that individuals who have lived, or who are now living in an alcoholic household need answered, to help them address the emotional, physical, and spiritual toll this illness exacts, not only on the alcoholic, but those who live with the alcoholic as well. I can not address questions concerning the prescription of medications or the diagnosis of disease.
Experience I am a former Marine who served one tour of duty in Vietnam. I was diagnosed with PTSD in 1980, and have been in several in-patient programs, clinical veteran groups, and one-on-one counseling for approxmately twenty years. I was raised in an alcoholic household, and I have been a member of Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) for sixteen years. Over the years, I have acquired a wealth of experience that I believe can be beneficial in helping others to examine their own issues. I am also a writer, and I have used writing as a means of examining my own life, and as a tool for working through personal issues.
Organizations ALANON (ACOA) - A 12 Step Program (16 years).
Disabled American Veterans (DAV) (20 years).
Publications Buffalo Evening News
Education/Credentials B.S. Computer Science - Buffalo State College 1988
Currently tutoring English students at Buffalo State College, and working on my undergrad degree in writing.
Awards and Honors Decorated military veteran
Exemplary Service award from English department of Buffalo State College.
Question Hello,
My husband and i have been married for 25 years. We've had a rocky marriage but have always loved each other and our kids. 2 years ago he was in an electrical explosion and suffered burns to his face (no scarring thank god)at that time we were struggling financially with our house payment and while on workmans comp we almost lost our home. We sold our home and decided to separate. Due to the stress levels were under at the time, we were not getting along and it was fight or flight. We had not intended on divorcing at the time, just to have time apart. Over the last 1 or so we have been seeing each other regularily and have gotten along great. I was thinking we'd maybe get back together when suddenly he went into some kind of mid-life crisis. He started seeing this really young women, going to the bars at night, acting very cold and distant to me. Distancing himself from me or any other stressful event, he became someone I didn't even know almost over night.
He seems angry, irritable, and wants no part of being married anymore. He just dumped this on me! I'm not sure if I'm dealing with PTSD here or the combination of that and a mid-life crisis. It's tough on me. I honestly don't know what to do with him. It's like he's "checked out" and just wants to be alone.
Help me! I'm desperate for some advice on how to cope, help him and remain married. I have a suspician that this may pass and don't want to give up my marriage with such crisis going on. It might be a mistake.....especially in the state of mind he is in right now.
Will he return to normal? Any thoughts?
Thank You
Signed:
Barely hanging on
Answer Renee,
After reading your question several times, my two cents is that you have set yourself up for failure; you say that "I'm desperate for some advice on how to cope, help him and remain married." To try and do all three: cope, help him, and remain married, is next to impossible, at least for now. That said, coping would be the most realistic and most doable thing you can do for yourself at this time. Your responsibility in this matter ends at addressing how to keep yourself "OK" while your husband is responsible for addressing what is bothering him.
What are you doing to take care of yourself while this crisis unfolds? Are you in counseling, individual or couple's? Do you have a trusted friend to express your feelings about your husband's behavior and how you are affected by it? Does your husband know how you feel about his behavior(s)?
As I said earlier, your husband is responsible for his actions, and if he is not acting responsibly, it is not your duty to "fix" him. He's a big boy now, and whether he has or doesn't have PTSD, or whether or not he's going through a mid-life crisis, he has no right to victimize you by his actions. He must learn that his actions have consequences, and if he wants to see another woman and run around the bars to all hours of the morning, you do not have to sit and suffer in silence. The price he pays is not having you as his companion. In the end, he may or may not see the light. In the meantime, you must be kind to yourself and put yourself in a safe, caring environment; if this means you move out, then so be it. You need to do whatever is necessary to keep yourself as OK as you can be under these circumstances.
As far as helping your husband is concerned, when he asks for your help, then give it to him. Right now it sounds like you're
the last person he wants any help from.
In terms of saving your marriage, who knows? If he's not interested, there's nothing you can do to make him change his mind. He either values the marriage or he doesn't; right now he doesn't. If you're sticking around to see if he comes out of whatever he's going through, you could be in for a long, and painful wait. Address your needs now.
Again, if you're not in counseling of some kind, get into it as soon as possible. The sooner you start caring for yourself and your needs, the better you can weather this storm. By taking care of yourself, you'll be in a much stronger position to help your husband if he asks you for it. If he doesn't, you will not have been a victim throughout this ordeal, and you'll be better able to get on with your life, with, or without him.
I hope the above has helped out in some small way. I will be happy to follow up with you as events unfold.
