AboutSteve Brungard Expertise After five years of training focused on post trauma and related issues, I
did more than collect a few diplomas; I graduated from victim to survivor.
It is that personal immersion and accomplishment that brings me to
allexperts.com and provides you with an ally.
Experience I hold an associates degree in social science, [Harrisburg Area Community College] and a bachelors degree in social science along with a counselor training certificate in chemical dependency [Penn State University]. I also hold a commission as a Chief Warrant Officer in the United States Army [honorably discharged] and the best training ever given to any helicopter pilot on earth. It was with that commission and training that I served two tours of duty in Southeast Asia from 1968 to 1970 where I saw much of what happens when a human society disintegrates and human beings are overwhelmed.
Expert: Steve Brungard Date: 6/13/2008 Subject: PTSS after war and marriage
Question I was recently in a serious relationship with someone that was in Iraq. To give a short background on him, he was in an abusive marriage for a long time with children. He has many insecurities and anxieties from the marriage. He termed it a "bad partnership with no love". He tried to end it several times but was scared the children wouldn't understand why he was leaving. He finally got the divorce after finding out she had another man living at his house when he wasn't there. He said he felt like the kids would understand why he left at that point. His ex has used every advantage to bring him down, she even tried to get to me several times, using the kids. She also kept him from his family, which was always very close. They just recently came back in to the picture with open arms, but he has guilt for being away from them for so long. Since returning home from Iraq, he has been avoiding the situation with the kids and ended things with me. He said that he has strong feelings for me and that he was very happy while with me, but he was scared to be in another relationship. He thinks he's better off alone than to hurt someone. But I think he's talking and flirting with other women now. All through the relationship he would talk about how happy he was and I always made things better, no matter how bad he was feeling. Since he ended it, I've talked to him a couple of times briefly. He always would look at me like he just adored me and I was the only person that existed, he still looked at me that way even after he ended it. Now it's like he's just shutting me out completely. I've told him that I would always be there for him but I wouldn't add any pressure. I know he's not in the position to be in a serious relationship right now, but it's hard to think that he could just let me go if his feelings were true. I think I should let him go, but I don't want him to feel abandoned by me either.
Answer Hello Gail;
Your soldier gets an A Plus for truth telling. The part you might be missing is that he is afraid of bonding with any and all females. You just happen to be among the any and all female population.
In combat, we bond with fellow soldiers who suddenly go absent. We know them and we know their behavior in combat when lives and limbs are at risk and we know that any one of them could suddenly go absent yet we manage that possibility with ease because we do not expect a long future together. Your soldier has been harmed and his world view disillusioned and distorted by a previous bond and now by combat.
I want to change just one of your words. You spoke of being there FOR him. Change that to being there WITH him. I could write a thesis on that word change but I must ask you to ponder it and discuss it with others (maybe even him) and learn the importance and life long significance of changing that one word.
For now, your soldier has little if any sense of future for himself or for any relationship with anyone. His sense of future can and likely will return to him once he re-socializes and readjusts to civilian life or becomes firmly entrenched in a military career. Until then, I offer you little more hope than opportunities to be there with him for cause or to pass some time together.
