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About James Joseph Parker
Expertise
I can offer individuals who suffer from the effects of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD, the understanding that is often sorely lacking in this area of mental health, and I can answer many of the questions that are specific to this disease. In addition, I can address many of the questions that individuals who have lived, or who are now living in an alcoholic household need answered, to help them address the emotional, physical, and spiritual toll this illness exacts, not only on the alcoholic, but those who live with the alcoholic as well. I can not address questions concerning the prescription of medications or the diagnosis of disease.
Experience
I am a former Marine who served one tour of duty in Vietnam. I was diagnosed with PTSD in 1980, and have been in several in-patient programs, clinical veteran groups, and one-on-one counseling for approxmately twenty years. I was raised in an alcoholic household, and I have been a member of Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) for sixteen years. Over the years, I have acquired a wealth of experience that I believe can be beneficial in helping others to examine their own issues. I am also a writer, and I have used writing as a means of examining my own life, and as a tool for working through personal issues.
Organizations
ALANON (ACOA) - A 12 Step Program (16 years).
Disabled American Veterans (DAV) (20 years).
Publications
Buffalo Evening News
Education/Credentials
B.S. Computer Science - Buffalo State College 1988
Currently tutoring English students at Buffalo State College, and working on my undergrad degree in writing.
Awards and Honors
Decorated military veteran
Exemplary Service award from English department of Buffalo State College.
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You are here: Experts > Health/Fitness > Mental Health > Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome > Helping my (ex)girlfriend understand my PTSD
Expert: James Joseph Parker - 11/2/2009
Question
James,
I am a Marine Corps Veteran. I served two 11 month tours in Iraq (2003-2004) with the 1st Battalion of the Fighting Fifth Marine Regiment, Alpha Company, 1st Marine Division. I saw alot of combat and alot of good marines go out in horrible ways. A few of my close friends died in Baghdad and Fallujah, one I held in my arms and he told me with his dying breath " I knew you would come and get me". Those words have haunted me for longer than I can remember.
When I EAS'ed out of the Marine corps in Dec. of '04 my psychological evaluation consisted of standing in a line of about thirty other Marines, waiting for my turn and then answering a series of about 30 questions fired in rapid succession. I had nightmares already but hell....we all did. But we were marines, right?
After arriving back home in Georgia and completing my divorce from my wife in California, I began to drink insane amounts of alcohol and mix that with marijuana, pills....anything that would knock me out. I couldn't sleep. When I did I saw things. I saw the faces of the men I had killed and the images of my friends telling me to come to them, it's not so bad. And the buddy of mine who I held as he died....I see him too, only it's me. I wake up screaming, not knowing where I am and I automatically reach for a rifle that isn't there. I refused to go to the V.A. because I had seen on the news how the returning veterans were being treated.
In 2007 I began dating a woman who is ten years my senior, but is everything I have ever wanted and needed. She was okay with my heavy drinking and my pot smoking at first, then it became too much for her. So I quite smoking pot (not really) and tried to quite drinking. But the images began coming to me in broad daylight and the nightmares were in color.
I was living with her and looking for work and we got into several bad fights towards the end of the first year. Then she kicked me out after I threatened to kill her and said some other horrible things about her. I don't know why I said those things, and I wasn't drunk. It just came out and I regretted them the moment I said them.
We got back together off and on over the course of the next 4 months and then I threatened to kill her again after I suspected she had cheated on me (which turned out to be more than a suspicion). I then moved to my brothers house and one night two months later I tried to kill myself.
A friend of mine who is a Vietnam veteran just so happened to show up out of nowhere and rushed me to the Carl Vinson V.A. medical center where they stabalized me and then sent me to the mental Ward in Augusta at the V.A. Hospital there.
I didn't feel like there was anyone I could talk to.....I felt like an Alien in my own country. I was afraid that everyone was going to think I was insane because I tried to kill myself. But I honestly felt that the world would be better off without me because I only kept hurting the ones I loved and I didn't know why.
I contacted my girlfriend while I was in Augusta and she said that she would stand by me and wanted to know when I was getting out. I pushed the issue alot, but she said that she loved me. They released me with a spot in the substance abuse treatment program in Dublin, Ga. and on sertraline and trazadone for depression and sleep disorder.
I have since completed this program and am now in the homeless veterans program at the V.A. in dublin, and currently receiving medications for anxiety and depression, and receiving psychiatric counseling(8 different meds) but my girlfriend has continued to break-up with me because of things I have said in the past in bouts of anger that I had no control over. Now she doesn't know about us anymore because I'm still struggling with the anger and the nightmares. I really love her....She is everything to me.
My question is this: How can I get her to understand My condition? and get it through to her that I don't mean the things I say in anger? I'm here in the program in order to get control over this But how can I get her to realize that it's not my fault?
Sincerely
Desperate and needing advice in Georgia.
Answer
Benjamin,
You say that, "I'm here in the program in order to get control over this," and "how can I get her to realize that it's not my fault?" First of all, is this "homeless veterans program," among other things, addressing your Post Traumatic Stress Disorder problems i.e. nightmares, flashbacks, etc.
If they are, then you're on the right path to getting your symptoms under control. If they are not, then you need to get yourself into a P.T.S.D. inpatient treatment program. The only way out of where you are is by going through whatever it is you need to go through. An inpatient program will help you do this. As I'm sure you are aware, drugs and alcohol are not the answer to what's ailing you. Medication will help you manage your symptoms to some degree, but the real work of managing to get your life back on track involves intensive therapy. One on one, and group encounters, with fellow veterans who suffer from the same living nightmare that PTSD engenders.
As you are painfully aware, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is nothing to screw around with. The sooner you get into an inpatient program, the better. I went through three such programs, and they helped me immensely. In the event you do not have such a program available in your immediate area, the following internet web site will direct you to the PTSD program, located in Batavia, New York. The web site name is within the parentheses (http://www.erie.gov/veterans/ptsd.asp). The program will help you understand what has happened to you. I'm not referring to the combat experiences you've had and the loss of friends and fellow soldiers. I'm referring to understanding how the mind, emotions, and body relate to one another during a traumatic experience. This will help you to get some perspective on your condition. The last part of your question concerns your girlfriend, and how to get her to understand your condition.
Once you understand your condition, from a therapeutic perspective, then you can begin to explain it to her, in terms she can understand. To simply expect her to sign off on your behavior (anger, rage, terrible remarks about her etc.) because you have PTSD, and therefore she should not react i.e. leave, throw you out, not want to see you again, is not going to fly. Whether you abuse her because you suffer from a disorder that is beyond your control (at least at this time), or because you are doing it intentionally, in the end it all equates to the same thing; you are abusing her and you are the one who needs to address the abuse, not her. In other words, she may come to understand that you suffer from a disease, but that does not mean that she's going to say "Oh, I didn't know you had a disease you could not control, go right ahead and make my life as miserable as you need to..." Her understanding where you are coming from and why will help her to be more open to you, and to be somewhat more considerate of your circumstances, but in the end you will have to come to terms with how your are treating her (when you go off on her) and stop doing it. If she is as important to you as you say she is, "I really love her....She is everything to me," you'll make every effort to check your behavior when it occurs, and take responsibility for what you say and do when you're doing it. It might be something like you saying, "I'm fucking pissed, but it's not about you...I'm scared and I don't know what the fuck to do about it." If you let her participate, at least show a willingness to let her participate in what's happening to you, you'll be showing her that she is not the target of what's eating away at you. You in effect will allow her to be there for you in a way she could never be there for you if you make her an emotional punching bag; that will just drive her further and further away, and convince her that's it's pointless to remain in any kind of relationship with you. The two of you must be co-partners in your recovery. Let her in and she'll give you what you need, shut her out, and she'll be out the door. It's as simple as that. As I said earlier, you need a PTSD inpatient program; your girlfriend needs a program as well. If and when you go into treatment, there is what's called a cohort program for those who are in relationships with people who suffer from PTSD. While you are actively in treatment, counselors work with the partners of the inpatients so that they understand the issues that surround people who have PTSD. Batavia, New York is not the only site for PTSD inpatient treatment; there are others; find the one closest to you, most convenient for you, but get into PTSD treatment as soon as possible.
Understanding comes from education, and the sooner you get yourself into treatment specifically for your condition, the sooner you, and your girlfriend will understand what the both of you are up against. Getting better is about getting closer to what's really at the heart of your condition; the nightmares and flashbacks are there for a reason; they're not there to terrify you; they're trying to tell you something, something that you need to know, that you need to face. Only you know what that something is. None of this will be easy, and anyone who tells you it is is scared, scared to face the truth. The truth is that you've been terribly wounded, and the wound is very deep, not in your body, but in your mind. The PTSD program and the people in the program will help you get through your private hell, and slowly, sometimes very slowly, you will start to feel better. As you start to come to terms with your disease, you will be more open to your girlfriend, and she more open to you.
As soon as you can Benjamin, arrange for your entry into a PTSD inpatient program. You may not want to, but this is not about want, it's about need. The program is what you need right now at this point in your life.
I will be happy to follow up with you if you like. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you need to.
Sincerely,
James. J. Parker
U.S.M.C 68 - 70
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