Private Investigations and Personal Security/Internet?


QUESTION: I have a serious question.Okay there is this older guy(I'm 13) that I talk to over the internet and we have very sexual conversations,now I haven't ever had sex before but I guess we do what you can call cybersex.Does this mean that I lost my virginity?
And can I get in trouble wiht the law for this?
How can I tell the guy that we shouldn't talk anymore?
He is really nice too.
And I told him that I don't want to be in a relationship with him and he said "okay" and I said we could just be friends and he agreed,do you think that I should keep trying to convince or do you think he understands?
What should I do now?


I don't think you have done anything illegal, but your friend might have, or might be on the verge of it.

Let's look at some basic facts:
You don't know how old he is, only how old he claims he is.
Sexual predators and other not nice guys are very, very good at appearing to be nice.
They will SAY anything their target wants to hear ("OK, we'll just be friends") and then they will ACT the way they want to (cybersex).
Trying to convince someone like that to change is impossible.

I'm really, really sorry, but I think the only safe thing for you to do is to break off the relationship with him completely.  Tell him that you have no interest in him as a friend or as anything more, both now and in the future, so he should find other friends, and not try to contact you again.  He might try lots of things to make you change your mind, so be strong! Ignore anything he says or does after that.  Don't think that telling him again and again to leave you alone will work.  It never does; it just shows the guy that you are willing to talk to him after all.  If necessary, tell him that your parents have found out and are monitoring your computer use.  (If really necessary, tell your parents about this guy.)

There are guys out there who respect women, and will listen to you when you set boundaries on what you want the relationship to be.  You deserve one of those guys, not this pseudo-friend.  Dropping him will give you more time to find one of those better guys.

Good luck and stay safe,   - Lyn

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: What if it hurts his feelings?
He is an allexpert on here.
What if he thinks that we are in a relationship then this means that I can not get saved,doesn't it?
He lives in the U.K and I in the U.S,I couldn't report him anyway,couldn't I?
He wants to meet me but I refused.

ANSWER: Thanks for those additional questions...

If he really lives in the U.K. how could he meet you?  He might not really live there.

Of course he is trying to get you to meet with him.  You are very smart to say absolutely not.

Don't worry too much about his feelings.  He is trying to meet young teens online, so he has been turned down a lot before.  He is used to rejection, and won't be seriously hurt when you turn him down (though he might pretend to be).

Be strong.  Say no, and mean it.  The more guys you say no to, the closer you get to ones that are safe to say yes to.  Learning to say no isn't easy for most teen girls, but it is a powerful skill that will make your life better, and safer.

If he continues to bother you, I think there is someone at AllExperts that you can report him to.  Hopefully, they will remove him from the site so he can't use it to harass other young women.

 Stay safe,  Lyn

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: But what if he think that me and him are in a relationship,then that means that I can not get married,doesn't it?

In order for there to be "a relationship," BOTH people must agree that the relationship exists.  In addition, it is good if they agree on what the boundaries, expectations, and limitations of the relationship are.

So, he might think that you have a relationship with him, but it you don't agree, you are perfectly free to tell him goodbye and to go on to relationships with other people.  - Lyn

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Lyn Bates


Are you being stalked? I can help evaluate the amount of danger you are in, and can provide very specific suggestions for increasing your safety, and for managing your situation. As a founding member and the current Vice President of AWARE (a volunteer, nonprofit organization), I have helped thousands of women learn to protect themselves from crimes ranging from minor harassment to serious assault. I am currently writing a book on safety for stalking victims. I have lectured at annual training meetings of the American Society of Law Enforcement Training, Women in Federal Law Enforcement, the International Women Police Association, the American Society of Criminology, and the American Women`s Self-Defense Association. In 1997, the American Tactical Shooting Association gave me their annual Tactical Advocate Award for teaching and writing.

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