AboutDan Expertise I tend to think of my self as a person that can fix everything. Well, everything is such a big word that true no one can fix everything, yet we can still try.
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Question Ok, I am 15(going on 16)years old, and i have gone through a lot in only the past 3 years. They have been the worst 3 years of my life! I have lost a total of 7 friends to suicide(it was just a cluster within my group of friends), 3 to a car accident, and 4 to disease. I may be wrong but i just feel like that I am responsible. They all asked me for help and I wanted to help them all but I couldn't! I just feel like I've failed on every person. I'm at the point where now im about to start sophomore year and a lot of people know some of the things that happened with my friends. So, they tried to talk to me and "be a friend", but my issue is that I've had "friends" that were really just phonies and i don't want to turn down that road again. I just can't! So now I have trust issues with almost everyone. I am a very outgoing and loud person, everyone knows when I walk into the room. I always feel like that I should go out of my way to brighten someone elses day, you know? So when I'm not feeling my normal self its REALLY noticable cause I just don't want to be bothered, I don't scream people's names accross the room just to say hi and just want to think. But I can't ever cause everyone gets worried. Last year I wouldn't talk to anyone for barely a week and someone went to a school administrator and told them that they throught I was going to commit suicide! I know what kind of pain that causes to everyone and I promised myself I would never ever cause anyone that I cared and loved that same pain. I just sometimes, actually a lot of times, feel like that people shouldn't go out of their way to help me. That I'm not worth the time. But the odd thing is...I have really high self-esteem. Its as if I have two way different brains. One is the happy me and the care for everyone, the strong person that people supposetly look up too, and the one who kind of pitys myself and wants to be isolated. I'm not quite sure if im just inmature still and thats whats messing me up but when people offer for me to talk to them or ask me whats wrong, I just don't want to allow them to waste their time on me cause god knows they have better and more important things to do than talk to me. But then thats another issue. I realize that these people "care" I just don't know if I can trust them, but I at least know that there are some good people in the world that I have found. So, I feel like everytime I push them away and say that I don't need to talk to anyone or their wasting their time, then soon or later they really will be gone and then I won't have someone too talk to.(BTW: most of these people to talk to are some of my teachers that I really connected with or all of my coaches from my 3 sports) Its not sometimes that I don't want to vent and not keep everything bottled up inside cause it kills, its that I feel like my saddness and worry and issues will just bring their life some darkness and I don't want to do that to anyone. And I can't stand when they say that their worried about me, cause I don't want them to be spending their time worring about me. Its mostly my coaches that say their worried. My dad is hardcore about sports. I have to work on this so I can be the best and that game wasn't good enough so then I get into trouble and I could have played harder and lalalalala. And then my mom is hardcore about school. ALL HONORS CLASSES! No slacking off, only A's and B's on report cards. Plus, my dad is a pastor and my mom a minister and so i always get the lecture about my religion. And the sad thing is that I LOVE MUSIC! and my parents are making me quit cause it conflicts with my sports. After this school year coming up I have to quit choir. I was in the bottom choir last year and I skipped 7 choirs to be the youngest person in my choir cause my director says im talented enough. He wants me to be in madrigals, royal court to be exact, but it conflicts with my tennis. He wants me in musicals and plays but in conflicts with my basketball. He wants me in swingsingers but in conflicts with my track. I am the 7th out of 9 kids and all of my older brothers and sisters have been studs!! No joke! Records all over the school so I have a booty load to live up too and its hard. I just really think that this year will be the hardest for me cause I have 3 honors classes, double in math, french 3, the highest choir, excel pe(its kinda for the athletes in the school you lift and such), and 3 varsity sports! Its too much to handle. I can't do what I want to do. I cant do art or music or student council cause I dont have time. I have to say tho that the truly saddest part of this all is that everyone in my family are all going to the same college just cause my dad went there. We have NO SAY what so ever. I love my family and my life, im blessed beyond belief, but its getting rough and im still trying to be strong and keep my head up. I just dont want to crack. Im not sure if there really is an answer to any of my issues, but I wish I knew them.
Answer Hi,
It wasn't your fault with your friends suicide. I had such happened to me too. It's hard. I recommend you talk to a psychologist to relieve some of this stress. If you state your state I can give you a free hotline for advice also. Please ask follow ups.
If you are in danger to your self, contact the police. Legally I must say this.
