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Problems with Parents/How do I tell my mother about my mentally abusive stepfather?

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I've noticed that ever since I have hit puberty my stepfather has become mentally abusive towards me. He treats me as if I am a dog. I am 18 years old and he treats me like a child. They tell me to grow up, but when I try to stand up for myself I get yelled at. For example, today I was cleaning my room and he walked in and threw my mushroom chair at my bed and walked away. About 2 weeks ago he threatened to choke me. When I tried to stand up for myself he yelled at me. He constantly gets me in trouble with my mother, who seems to always take his side over her own daughters. He will find any tiny reason he can to yell at me and try to punish me.

I recently met a man that I want to move in with out of state. He agrees that it would be best, but i get scared that my stepfather will ruin my happiness like he already has so many times before. I have attempted to tell my mother that he is abusive mentally, but I always cower out. I have done my research to make sure I was correct. He constantly calls me fat and quite a few other words that I choose not to say. He forces me to clean the house every day and make me clean it again if it is not the way he wants. I am to the point that I find he treats me like the Disney character Cinderella was treated.

He is also very self absorbed. Constantly making us, me and my mother, do what he wants to do. Please help me figure out how to get out of this. The only reason I am still here is for my mother.

Answer
Hi Krystalin:
I am sorry that it took so long for me to answer. we had a problem with me receiving your letter, but I think it is corrected.

I see that you do have a problem in your life. I am wondering if your step father has been this way for a long time or if it is that he is having a problem dealing with you getting ready to leave home. Some men act this way out of frustration and losing control. Being that he sounds like a 'control freak' it could be the problem. They act in the opposite way that you would expect them to act.

Either way, you are old enough to make your own decisions and it is healthy that you want to make a life of your own. HOWEVER, don't use your boyfriend as a way to escape a bad situation.

You say that your boyfriend lives out of state--how did you meet him, how often do you see him now, how long have you known him? See, you want to make sure that you protect yourself as well; you don't want to go from one bad situation to another.

Have you thought about getting an apartment for a year with a friend and trying out 'living alone'? You would be near your mom [she may need you if your stepdad keeps this up], you could give living on your own a trial run and it would show you that it isn't as easy as it seems. The idea is to stretch your wings but to have a buddy to do it with.

You also don't mention if you have a job. That would get you out of the house for more hours and take up a lot of your time ---so you wouldn't have time to clean. Plus, you could put money away for when you do move. Do you want to go on to school? Maybe then you could move into a dorm--see there are ways of getting out.

Figure out what your goals are and how YOU think you want your life to go. In other words--what do you want to do with your life? How do you want to live? What do you see yourself doing or being like 5 years from now? This is all about YOU! What you do now will help you to achieve your goals.

Leaving the nest may be the smart thing to do, things aren't going to get better. You are growing up and have your own ideas and with stepdad being a control freak, you are never going to please him because he will constantly change his mind and the rules. So, it is time for you to look ahead to YOUR future.

Good luck and I sure hope I gave you some 'food for thought'. Let me now what your decision is, I would like to know how you are doing.
Jan Hayner  

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Jan Hayner

Expertise

I will answer all questions regarding children and parents interaction, discipline, emotional levels,chore planning, childrens responsibilities and everyday problems etc.

Experience

I am the mother of 4 and grandma of 8 and have been raising kids all of my life, not only my own, but most of their friends as well. I use my information from life experiences to give you the best advice and direction that I can.

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Girl Scout Leader, Boy Scout Den Mother,Bluebird Leader, PTA President for 5 years, Member of E4E (Education for Employment/High School Level), Sunday School Teacher for 8 years, Volunteer for Football(wrote the news), Baseball(set up programs for the kids), and have been involved with all the generations in school with all of my children and grandchildren.

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