AboutAlan Auerbach Expertise Taught psychology for 30 years, authored four textbooks. Specialize in introductory and industrial/organizational psychology, but will tackle wider range of areas.
Expert: Alan Auerbach Date: 7/21/2008 Subject: Man on my mind...
Question Dear Alan,
I'm a 25 year old young women and my recent behavior has been concerning me. In the last 3-4 weeks I have become almost obsessed with the thought of being involved with a guy who doesn't know I exist. I first spotted him modelling in a campaign for a highstreet clothing store and proceeded to search for photos of him online. While searching I came across an article featuring him and discovered he lives in the same city as me and performs in a band. He is relatively unknown in the modelling or music industries as yet so I felt that he could be attainable. Since this time I have gazed at his photos almost daily and fantasize about having a relationship with him, even though we've never met! I work in the fashion industry and mingle with other creatives so have considered the thought that we could encounter each other one day. I've even contemplated going along to his gigs with the hopes of meeting him but have been able to shake sense into my head, believing that would make me a psychotic stalker!
Physically he is my ideal, I really couldn't change anything about him, which means I am finding it hard to consider any other guy at this stage. I am attractive and approached by many guys but my high standards mean they rarely stand a chance. I've been single for just over two years now and within this time have seen three attractive guys very briefly but now that I've focused one this one guy I feel I have to have him and only him! Of course, I am not only after good looks, I also crave an ambitious, confident, clever, honest and generous man with a fun sense of humor. I'm now very ready to meet my life partner now that I know what I want, I can picture it perfectly. I'm a materialistic and indulgent person who likes to buy and surround myself with unusual and beautiful things so I wonder if that may play a part in it. I do also tend to obsess over other certain things, over-analyzing and visioning ideal situations and positive outcomes. I feel that perhaps I may have overstepped the line of reality and dreams...
The only other person I have explained this too is my sister, who finds it weird and has tried to make me realize I don't know what kind of person this guy is. We laugh that I must be desperate and lonely but I am having trouble moving on and fear that I might miss my chance with 'the one' if I only have eyes for this one individual.
Shall I bite the bullet and attempt to meet him so that I see whether we're compatible or that he's even a nice guy, with the possibility of realizing I've blown this fantasy out of proportion? Or should I distract myself or practice moving on and giving other guys a chance? I'm not sure which will give a better peace of mind!
Please offer advice on my mental state and what you think I should do.
Many thanks,
Olivia
Answer Dear Olivia,
We don't all develop every one of our attributes at the same pace. Intellectually you do sound 25, and professionally, even older than that. Socially you sound mature and normal, with high requirements that are quite justified. But romantically, something in you reverted (probably temporarily) to the age of 15 -- for which your mental state is perfectly normal! (At that age there is no proportion. So get a poster of him for your door, and wear a miniature of it next to your heart if you want. Just think twice about the tattoo.)
You sound quite intact with a promising future, and your appreciation of the material aspects of life surely played a part in this. You don't sell yourself short, and you needn't feel in the least apologetic about that.
You don't have to bite any bullet, the go-after-him one nor the forget-him one. Sure: keep your eyes and your contacts open, and put out feelers. But what makes you think he doesn't already have a girlfriend? Or boyfriend? Or live with his mother? Or his dealer. Or ... never mind, that's enough. It's an extreme longshot, but you can at least leave the possibility open. At most, go to his band gig and ask to meet him to discuss a possible modeling gig (that might not work out, but some face time could well eventuate). It's hardly stalking, but please bring your sister.
And in the meantime, by all means give some other guys a chance. Or maybe even a break.
