AboutAlan Auerbach Expertise Taught psychology for 30 years, authored four textbooks. Specialize in introductory and industrial/organizational psychology, but will tackle wider range of areas.
Question QUESTION: Hi
Is it dangerous for a 3/12 year old girl to refer to her custodial maternal grandmother as well as her non noncustodial mother both as “Mommy?”
What if there is a bio dad that wants to visit and establish a relationship with the child?
But the other parties tell the child that he is a stranger or unrelated man that just visits and wants to meet with her (the little girl) and he buys her toys?
Will the girl confuse the more dominant female as her father and think she takes the place of her dad? Or is her dad?
Can thinking one has more than one mommy be deleterious to ones health and development or is it a positive thing? In this scenario?
What if the father she was kept from enters the picture more substantially?
How will the above miscommunications affect the dad’s relationship with the child and the ability of health professionals to evaluate the same as a prelude to more visitation and custody?
ANSWER: Hi J
Hardly dangerous because at that age, a child doesn't know the adult meaning of the word "Mommy."
This just might be a question to ask a family-law specialist because it speaks to the rights (and perhaps responsibilities) of the bio dad, and it would depend on what jurisdiction you're in. However, the main factor might be the dad's relationship with the grandmother. If the man is supportive and non-threatening (especially on the issue of trying to get custody), what the child is taught to call him could be raised in time. In the meantime, there is no need to worry about identity confusion about mommies and daddy at this age.
If the dad is kept away, he will of course become a stranger to the girl.
Health professionals deal with this situation all the time, and understand it. Just try to make sure that you are consulted. Your last sentence implies that this is already a custody issue, which would explain what's happening. You might try to find out what a man would need to do to get more visitation with and custody of a girl because it would require much more than toys.
Good luck with this, and thanks for asking us.
Alan
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: ok thanks
how does one establish rapport?
what hobbies should i learn
how to make dogs ro flowers ro rabbits out of balloons or someohting else , music? what imresses lil girls, is it the same thing that would impress big girls or ladies,??
ANSWER: I'm afraid there's no formula for bonding, rather, it's a matter of spending lots of time with the child in the context of being supportive and ensuring she feels comfortable with you. You can't force it, and given what I understand to be the situation, it won't be easy.
I don't think that activities, tricks and trying to make impressions are the way to go. Rather, you mentioned "health professionals." I think your best bet would be to find out what office makes the decisions or recommendations on visitation and custody, call or visit there, and ask if you could consult with somebody. If you can get an appointment, ask them if they can suggest what you can do to strengthen your application. Not only will you get the best answer, but they will make a note on the file about your good intentions.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: i sort of went there but the other side emt with them first and although the therapist sed the duaghter knows wahts going on sort of" she(the therapist) still refers to me as the man, eg: "r we gong to say goodbye to the man now?" when the session is over , so im wondering if she is impartial and the law guardian says my daughter does not know im her father
and maybe the other side lied to the therapist and denied admitting paternity as they did in court.
but my concern is that the child will get so confused by the two mommies thing that she will think the dominant one takes th eplace of her father, and due to this , at the very least , relegate me to an inferior position even were she to know that im the father and , even moreso if she does not, so thtis y i asked about establishing rapport ,if not as a father, but as a man interested in getting to know her , as she was probably told. and of course , in either scenario ,id need to know how to overcome the other side undermining me , when the duaghter goes home , and if i hsould give her toys , or it will defeat the pur[ose adn be damging to her since they will grab the toys away form her, or if theres a way to ensure that she is allowed to keep them?
Answer There's no impartiality: everyone's interest is what's best for the girl. So if she knows you as "the man," it would be natural for the therapist to maintain that label at that visit. I know it must hurt your feelings but I don't think that's the issue at this stage.
If paternity is or becomes an issue, it can be determined (though typically this is done to force him to pay child support until the age of 18).
She is too young to have an adult concept of mommy or daddy, and toys are not important.
The other thing you can do is to find and hire a clinical social worker to advise you. They're not costly, and you can learn what your rights may be, and how to put your best foot forward. And she (they're usually women) might be willing to speak for you in court if a hearing takes place. There may be a listing for Social Workers in your Yellow Pages, or you can try a web search for "Social Workers + California" (or whatever state you're in, assuming you're in the US).
