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You are here: Experts > Health/Fitness > Mental Health > Psychiatry & Psychology--General > I have a hard time being affectionate w/my Mom
Expert: Daniel S. Harrop, M.D. - 10/21/2009
Question
My mother and I haven't always gotten along (I left home at 17, she suffered from depression thru my childhood). When ever we get into an argument or if she snaps at me, I start crying and I can't stop crying for hours. For example, today she called me at work and asked if i would come to her house tomorrow to visit. I told her I couldn't because I had an appt. and I also had to work. She became very upset and said that I never make time for her and that people would be surprised to know that she even has children (she believes that my younger brother treats her the same way). I started crying and couldn't stop & 8 hours later I still feel horrible. I do anything my mom asks of me when I can. Most of our arguments consist of her being critical of my weight, or her disappointment that I'm not married, do not have children or a house (I'm 27 years old, rent an apartment with my boyfriend and have a great career). I also can't bring myself to say "I love you" to her nor do I hear those words from her. I find it very hard to be affectionate with anyone, especially my mom. What is wrong with me? I love my mom, I just can't tell her and I feel funny initiating a hug. Whenever we fight, I immediately think of her not being affectionate, especiallly when I was younger. I did however receive affection from my dad. My parents were never abusive towards me, took care of me when I was sick, bought me toys, clothes, etc. Why do we have a dysfunctional relationship and what can I do to fix it?
Answer
What is wrong with you is that you are putting too much emphasis on the relationship with your mother. Yes, it is sad she doesn't have enough friends and has to rely on you, but that is her problem, not yours. She is demanding, she is not affectionate, she HAS been psychologically abusive to you -- sorry, but you are ignoring this. You can get some therapy for yourself, with the goal being to appropriately separate from her more. If SHE gets her own therapy it might help your relationship, but otherwise, I am afraid it will just grow more distant.
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