Psychiatry & Psychology--General/how to stop fighting with spouse
I want to keep my marriage but it's becoming difficult. I can't stop fighting with my husband. I KNOW it takes two to tango but I don't feel I am the problem. My husband can't NOT talk. He can't NOT say what he wants to say and it's usually nasty or outright untrue. He doesn't think, he just shoot. And when I'm at my limit, I can't get the silence I need, let alone an apology, ever. His parents constantly fight and always fought in front of him. I tried to make him understand this is at least partly why he is this way, fighting for victory with someone he loves. His parents have actually told him to ignore me, that's how unhealthy our relationship is. I know I will never change them that they will never have boundaries (and that my husband will never stick up for me) but I do love my husband and I want to stay with him. I know he probably has a compulsivity issue but I still believe the overriding problem is that this is what he grew up with. He doesn't see any merit in ending a fight and sucking it up as it were. I am going go burst. I am always sucking it up or losing it and making the fight a war. All I want is for him to stop talking. You wouldn't believe what comes out of his mouth. Yes it's my side and my opinion but let's just assume I'm not lying or being unfair- he says things that aren't true at all or are vicious or turn the tables (I cannot ask him to do anything or point out any problems without tables being turned- that's so hard on me). Naturally my husband is weepy and pseudo remorseful when I'm utterly hysterically crying. It takes alot. If I'm just crying, he persists. It's that bad. What can I do? He doesn't stop the assault. I feel helpless. I can't not be able to ever say anything about anything. It doesn't matter how I say it. Every mild criticism or pointing out of anything is perceived as an assault. I'd like to add that his parents have fought in front of me pretty much every time I've seen them. It's that bad.
Hi, Larissa, we feel helpless and like a victim because we are not choosing our own actions. We mostly just react to the things others do, instead of being the one in control. However, the pattern often becomes ingrained, and we stop seeing that it's a pattern or that we have choices.
So, how do you get out of the pattern? It can be difficult, but definitely doable. Try thinking ahead about different ways to react when the situation occurs. Try doing something silly, or funny. Don't take it so seriously. Change you conception of him - think of him as a bratty 12 year old, or if he was in his underwear.
choose to live your life, on your terms. You can't be a victim unless you choose it for yourself