Psychiatry & Psychology--General/how do you stop this voice
Hi, As a kid I never really talked to anyone and would shy away, I kept to myself and over the years started talking to myself in my head and even responding to my own questions. i didn't realize this until my high school year. It had stopped and I remained reserved and quiet, but at my junior year it started whenever I walked in the hallways I would hear voices whispering and look back but no one would be there. I would shrug it off and continue walking. I don't know what I'm trying to get at but it bothers me alot and can't focus and I never went to go get high or drunk to solve my problems. At points the voices would get so out of control, I would wake up in cold sweat with tears looking around my room and freak in the dark quickly getting up and opening the door so the light can come in. I would lay down and close my eyes but open them again scared and wouldn't be able to sleep for the next few days.
I am a college freshman student and my parents have high expectations of me. I told my parents that I was interested in going to University of Pacific as an English Major for teaching credentials to become a professor and my parents looked at me and said would you be able to handle it, your so quiet with a small voice, would any of the students listen to you. They are also very religious and are from respected families and I don't want to do anything that is wrong or fail in life not becoming that independent educated daughter. My dad had told everyone that I was going to go to U.O.P but instead I ended up going to a community college but will transfer to U.O.P and he was disappointed. My case manager had said I was like a glass and could shatter any moment and it concerned her. Guys came up to me and say hi and I think "what does he want" later on they have motives and upset me thinking do I look that vulnerable and easy for them and stop talking to them and its like this with every guy, everyone of them. At one point I just let a guy do what he wanted with me and afterwards that same voice came back saying happy, how do you feel, slut,trash. This guy was forceful and i felt like a toy and when he grabbed me, i punched him and told him eff off and i was getting tired of him, he smiled and said cool by me. I went home taking a shower, i felt dirty and disgusting in my skin and i scratched at it leaving marks around my stomach and collarbone, i wanted to feel clean and innocent again. When I was bleeding after what I did, I was scared thinking what if I end up suicidal. I have dreams where I'm just bleeding or falling in pitch black. That voice says incoherent things and i cant understand it. After this i never spoke to a guy again except only one who wants to become a monk and tells me to carry a sharp pencil around for protection. I only have A few friends and my siblings laugh at me and say whats wrong with me and why do i have little bit of friends and i tell them how many of those friends will you stick to after graduation and how many of those do you know on facebook and seen in life. They call me stupid and i cant reply back cuz i don't like to argue and let them have that last word because that what my family likes to get the last word and watch it affect the other. When college started my mom told me to be careful because there will be alot of wrong people and I had asked her if anyone of them ever bothered her. She glared at me and said "shame on you, how dare you ask me that, I'm only telling this for your safety, how can you be so dis-respectfu, think before you say something" I was shocked and just replied very calmly that I was only curious and didn't mean to offend her in any way. I'm not a gloomy person, I do smile and chat with others but I prefer to be alone. At points I think to myself your just being a damsel get over yourself, you have loving parents. They just want to take care of you and give you the life they couldn't have. Others have it worse with abuse and being neglected from families. Then I think again and say well how many of them have a sibling who set a house on fire trying to kill herself and us with her, almost succeeding. How many of them have a dad who has anger issues and is controlling or a mother who has mental issues. And what will become of my younger two brothers. My sister had asked me "how do you put up with them man, when I'm on my own I'm getting away from here," (she is also crazy and we never got along, she says she hates me and is ashamed to be around me and I look at her and reply does it look like i care what you think) I have tried to get along with her and have normal conversations but she looks at me and says "i cant trust you and your pathetic" and i smile at her and say fine and tell myself i tried countless times to get along but have it your way. I tried for four years.She likes the attention and she admitted it she even told her friends and classmates that she set the house on fire. I told them she was lying and it was an electrical failure and she had fainted and only the fainting part was true.
Is this the reason for the voice the people around me. My family is like a stranger and my mom said if i don't open up, i'll live a lonely life, she says that she can't understand me because i keep all my pain to myself and ask why do you have such a small heart because when she yells at me i cry easily.Then she tells me she wish i were small again that laughing little playful girl. The rest of my family thinks im cold hearted, simple or naive. Others that meet me for the first time say that i look like a caring, quiet and smart girl. I think to myself your all wrong im just a confused girl who wants to be left alone and get through life. That voice says your playing yourself stop playing princess.
Yesterday i scared myself because when i closed my eyes and and sat down on the bench putting my head back. I heard that voice say its okay and then something brush against the side of my neck. I shot my head up and looked around and there was nothing. Usually i just have my earphones in and listen to music so no one bothers me and even to keep the voice out. But when I take out my earphones my breathing is heavy and my thoughts get out of control and the voice is back and I hear everyone talking. I dislike large crowds, I hate them but not because I'm nervous, scared or shy.I even take my glasses off so everything is a big blur. I even hate it more when I'm standing waiting for my ride I listen to my music so no one approaches me and put my music on blast but people don't get the idea and these guys just come up and stand in front of me waiting for me to look at them. I take my earphones off and ask them "Can i help you with something" politely and they just say no i just wanna talk. I look at them and tell them to eff off and continue to listen to my music and the next day i'm at a different spot waiting for my ride. I don't like it my high school year guys looked at me and said your ugly and made fun off me know all of a sudden some random guys walks up to me and say im cute or some guy going to come up to me and say "hey my friend likes you". That voice keeps laughing at me whenever it happens and when my mom comes to pick me up she asks why are you shaking, why do you look so pale and i tell her i'm just cold. Its like i created something that points out all my faults, guilt's and regrets that ridicules me.I use to keep a journal and put all my thoughts into it and it helped but stopped when i thought somebody would come and read it. Its like every step i take the voice says "wrong step." People ask me how can you stand being lonely and I tell them I like it, no one bothers me and they look like at me I'm weird and I smile at them. Then ask them how can be around so many loud and large groups. They tell me its a dumb question and I tell them that their question is also dumb for people like me. Then I think I'm not really alone cuz I have that voice.
Its driving me mad and I cant stand it when I was little it was friendly know it's getting out of control and people are starting to see it. I have no motivation for anything, i stopped eating, grades dropping and no energy at work am i depressed or something.
I don't want to be like this, I want graduate from college become a professor move out to Japan and make a living there, not far from the city so i can teach english there. But somewhere open and peaceful. Is this realistic to you? beside figuring out the part how i will become a citizen.
Am I going insane? Am I crazy?
Please if you can help, i'll be very grateful.
This is all jumbled up and if you can help thank you.
You are a very smart sensitive and thoughtful person, and no you are not going insane. If you were insane you would not be capable of writing so clearly and intelligently as you have. Like a lot of us introspective types, you are just, spending too much time in side your own head.
You are under a lot of pressure from within and from without and just need someone to talk to and help you sort all this out. Please try to find a trustworthy psychotherapist who does not say unhelpful things like you are like a glass that could shatter. You are not a glass you are a lovely person with great ambition and terrific dreams for your adult life.
Of course you can achieve these, but please keep looking until you find someone that you feel really understands you and wants to help you keep going forward.
Also some social contact will be helpful. You do not need a lot of loud socializing, but human beings are social animals, and as disappointing as other people can be we still need them in some measure. Let your good judgement guide you to a few thoughtful people like yourself...they are out there and not that hard to find when you are in school, if you just patiently and persistently keep looking.
Looking and acting outside of ourselves is what keeps the inner and dark voices from having too much sway over us.
Remember it is only the good people who doubt themselves, and it is only the good people who hold themselves back.
Dr. Andrew Elmore