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Psychiatry & Psychology--General/extreme hatred of porn and anything related

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Hello, I am a female and have been in a relationship for almost 2 years now with my boyfriend. I prefer not to mention our ages.

I am not sure if this is the right section but I really hope you can help me. I have a very bad emotional reaction to porn. Not watching it (I've never watched it) but just the general thought of my boyfriend watching it, or having watched it, makes me go mad.

I should mention this started a few months into our relationship. I didn't really know about porn. I thought it was something normal all men looked it and didn't care for it. But then it really became something horrible to me when my boyfriend (with no bad intentions) showed me a picture of his favourite porn model, and compared some minor things of her to myself. This is when my sensitivity to porn began but at first I didn't say anything.

But I couldn't stop thinking of it. I kept thinking he loves those women more than me, I kept thinking, I am nothing to him. I read up about porn and realised how degrading it can be, I just really began to hate it and never felt so strongly against something before.

After weeks of convincing him he finally stopped watching porn for me. It was a huge relief for me. To me, it felt like watching porn was cheating. I understand it's a sexual outlet but in a relationship it's not needed (you can masturbate to your partner in your mind; it may take longer but it's morally correct in my own opinion).

Please note we have never had sex because of my age, I didn't mention it. but now that legally I'm old enough (he's a few years older) we are considering it. I don't feel this has anything to do with it.

So anyway I thought it was all over finally. The stress, the paranoia, I could finally be free of it. But my thoughts wouldn't let me be happy; I realised what I was thinking was much over the top. I thought "he thinks of other women, he still watches porn behind your back, he thinks other women are attractive etc ". I tried to shove these thoughts away but I couldn't. I got especially mad when he said "I think watching porn is OK in a relationship as a sexual outlet." I told him it's not right, morally it's wrong, if you need to 'let it out' then masturbate to thoughts of your partner, not some randoms having sex on the internet. it devalues sex and love it's just wrong."

of course that is my own opinion. but now my problem is that I cannot accept his view that it is OK to watch porn in a relationship. I can't. It is just clawing my mind. it's not right to me. in fact I will not accept ANY arguement in favour of porn. I can't and never will because to me porn is disgusting and wrong and definitely not needed.

I love him with all my heart, I've never been with anyone who loved me back so much, more than my parents it seems. He did everything for me, he wants me to be happy. but I can't stop thinking like this. I want to keep my opinions because I think they're right. However I hate the severe emotional level that comes with my thoughts. the mere idea of him liking porn sends me in a mental outrage, I feel stressed, I rip my hair out, I will cut myself if I find a sharp enough object within arms reach, anything to mask the severe sudden outburst of emotional pain, and worst of all I'm causing it to myself. he did nothing wrong but have an opinion I can't agree with. of all things. I don't care if it was something else; the fact that it's porn just really hurts me.

I am asking for help of how to stop feeling like this. how to stop caring. I do get emotional on other things as I am a sensitive person but this is what really hurts me the most. I don't know why exactly. everything in our relationship is great 100% but I feel like my thoughts and emotions are ruining everything.

thanks for reading and I hope you can help me.

Answer
Hello Nicole,

First of all the age is an important aspect. However, I think your thought have root in your self esteem and in your moral view about porn. These aspects are good to be discuss with a counselor because is a lot of discussion to discover yourself why you are acting in this way and way this situation is troubles you so much. I'm agreed that you can have an opinion that porn is bad thing but to think that your boyfriend is in love with some actress is a little to much.  
And , you say that you want to keep your opinion and it's OK, but the problem is that you want your boyfriend to have the same opinion like you about porn.
I think, in your relationship with your boyfriend, you need to be the only one in his mind and with this situation he hearts you.
It is very important to discuss with him this aspects, maybe he will explain you more clearly how he see these things.

I hope this answer will help you to see some aspects that you didn't consider.

All the best,
Anca Gurza  

Psychiatry & Psychology--General

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Gurza Anca

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I can answer at questions related to psychology field,in general or specific areas of psychology: stress and anxiety disorders, sexual disorders, Phobias and physiological Disorders,therapy for Treating Depression, therapy end the Management of Anger, Treatment of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, Therapy for Pain and Distress Management in Cancer Patients.

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I practice psychotherapy in accordance with the ethical code of the Romanian Federation of Psychotherapy and European Association for Psychotherapy I'm using hypnosis and other therapy techniques in my work since 2010, when I started my preparation in Clinic Hypnosis, Relaxation and Erickson's Therapy. I am a certified Clinical Psychologist and Psychotherapist by the Romanian Federation of Psychotherapy, European Association for Psychotherapy.

Organizations
Romanian Association of Clinical Hypnosis, Relaxation and Erickson's Therapy Romanian Federation of Psychotherapy European Association for Psychotherapy

Education/Credentials
I am a certified Clinical Psychologist and Psychotherapist by the Romanian Federation of Psychotherapy, European Association for Psychotherapy. I practice psychotherapy in accordance with the ethical code of those institutions.

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