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Psychiatry & Psychology--General/is it depression or a cop out!!


QUESTION: Hi Alan, I have been with my partner for 9 years we have 8 yr old together which he is the perfect dad to her. I have 15 and 17 daughters to previous relationship. He has a proffesional job. He has always had nasty side and over years had made my cry lots n lots of times. He is also very nasty with the things he says to my oldest girl they truly hate each other cant even b in same room as each other. My daughter has blown and said she moving out if he does not go!  He has emotionally mentally verbally done our heads in over years and in las 12 months been that bad i had to tell him to go. He has gambled thousands of pounds secretly i have no access to any of his mail or bank cards statements or any of his money and i found out by accident. He enjoys i drink in pub with his mates 2 or 3 pints mid week 2 times and then thurs fri sat he likes a good few 6 or 7 while im left at home doing everythin else. We enjoy it while he not there cos no1 getting shouted at! and it peacefull with no arguments!! He never drinks at home. He wakes really early on a morn sometimes 5 and cant get back to sleep when he had drink he sleeps well and when he hasnt he struggles.His sex drive is normal. I look at him and hate him at times! how awful is that! Since i have told him to leave for the 3rd time in 12 months i have stuck to it for 2 weeks i normally just go a day! He is now telling me he has depression and negative thoughts and how sorry he is and how disgusted he is in himself and promising he willchange he has managed to get tablets from docs and he now had 2 therapy sessions and the negative mind set has been placed with a positive one.He said it wasnt him he didnt realise that is what he was doing. He said its depression and im not convinced he is! could he be and has he been depressed the whole 9 yrs thats why he been so bad at times??? or is it a cop out to ge me back cos his therapist said he has the problem after 9 yrs of walking on egg shells and thinkin it me cos he always said it was making me think im mental! constantly questioning myself and his actions!im only 34!  i have the rest of my life to live and need to know if he is depressed. I wouldnt forgvie a rapist cos he said he depressed that why he did it so should i forgive him??? so many questons !! lol xxx

ANSWER: Hi Sonia

How awful is that? Sounds perfectly normal to me.

How depressed is he? If "his sex drive is normal," I'd guess not much.

Two therapy sessions and his mind-set is reversed? Or has he learned some new phrases to continue his life of comfort (his, not yours).

Has had a nasty side for 9 years and you hold out hope for a reversal?

Being kicked out three times has not made a real difference and you still expect a major change?

I can't advise what you should do but urge you to get some legal advice. If you can't pay for a family-law professional, ask social services or whatever how you can get this help. You must find out what your entitlements are with regard to how to bar him permanently from your home and family, and receive child-support and perhaps other payments. When you know your options, you will be in a better position to come to a decision.

I hope the above thoughts and observations will be of some use to you, and please feel free if you have a follow-up question.

Since I've been quoting some of your statements, let me end by focusing on what I think is the best, the most important, the most relevant one. "I'm only 34 ... have the rest of my life to live." Quite!


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Alan, I answered my own questions didnt I! Its just so hard! I have got legal advice and because we not married and my name not on deeds im intitled to nothing! but that doesnt phase me i have a little stash myself. I actually feel like i feel sorry for him not love him! I do not have that spark ther anymore and have not wanted tsex for ages but just been doing it to keep him moaning about the lack of it!! I know what i should do. I want to be with someone who doesnt have to work at being nice it should come natural surely?? it does with me. Whats your thoughts can he change with anti depressents and therapy or am i clinging on to nothing?? Thank you .

I think you did.

For many reasons I can't offer specific advice.

GENERALLY, I would say that

-the woman should decide if she'd be better off without than with him, without the smallest expectation of him changing for the long term (whether due to psychotherapy, medication, or a flash of divine revelation). Even if the woman has more insight and motivation than him to change, she should consider the chances of HER becoming a basically different person than she is, if she wanted to

-a woman living in a "marital home" (regardless of the name on the deed) with, and bearing and raising a child with a partner for almost a decade should make sure that she is not legally considered "common-law married," which might provide financial entitlements to the child (especially if his name is registered as the father) and to the woman


Psychiatry & Psychology--General

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Alan Auerbach


Taught psychology for 30 years, authored four textbooks. Specialize in introductory and industrial/organizational psychology, but will tackle wider range of areas.

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