Psychiatry & Psychology--General/Is something wrong with me? Am I Bipolar or Borderline?
This will be a bit long, but I donít know how to put it.
I have been told too many times, by every person Iíve ever known that I have a difficult and random/unpredictable personality. Iím always overanalysing myself and others yet I still have problems controlling my emotions and moods.
Iím extremely sensitive to negative emotional reactions from others, failure and perceived abandonment/separation. If faced with any of these, I almost always either become depressed to the point of instantly feeling physically exhausted, withdrawn, unresponsive, suicidal, and gloomy for hours, dwelling on past hurts or, I briefly go through these states and then progressively switch to irritability, aggressiveness, general anger towards anybody who might have ever wronged me, plotting, insulting and threatening anybody I come in contact with. The latter doesnít last long (there have been instanced when i attacked and physically hurt someone) but itís intense and it feels like an adrenaline rush. It sometimes makes feel like I have multiple personalities or something because of the radical and profound changes that undergo my moral values (violent imagination of hurting and even killing people makes me feel avenged, domineering and elevated), professional aspirations and behaviour.
My moods change erratically sometimes. They can last from minutes to days and are extreme. Some are triggered, others appear out of the blue and leave me confused. Whenever Iím in a certain mood, everything is influenced by that certain frame of mind so itís hard to reason with me as it makes me impulsive and I am unable to accept other points of view or experiences that donít correspond with the mood Iím in.
Iím adept at provoking conflicts and being mean, picking on people because they said or done something minor that has hurt me only so that I can feel victimized afterwards. Have had only tumultuous relationships and I feel misunderstood. Iíve also had depression that lasted for quite some months when I self harmed, attempted suicide, engaged in manipulative behaviors and believed I was persecuted by some supernatural force that wanted me dead. Last year I also had a period of aprox. two weeks (this was the longest) when I felt very sociable, people and activity oriented, started projects, overspent, was always on the move, physically and mentally active, cheerful, optimistic etc. After it passed, I couldnít keep up with anything I initiated and what I had promised and became frustrated and angry towards myself. This deepened peopleís confusion about me/my actions.
I really donít know who I am or how/who I will be after some days, hours or minutes. Often feel the need to be self destructive and cut, Ďaccidentalyí hit myself, take very hot baths, pick on myself and even self-induce unconsciousness.
I donít know whatís happening to me. Iíve always been like this, but itís worsening with age and Iím still young (going 20). Should I seek help? Can I get well? Please advice, I donít know what to do anymore, and I'm afraid for those around me.
I am sorry for my late answer.Regarding your questions, my recommendation is to contact a psychiatrist from your local area and also you could consider a complementary psychotherapist help. And yes, you can be helped, but you need to address you difficulties to a specialist as soon as possible in order to get the necessary support.
Wish you all the best,