Psychiatry & Psychology--General/my confusing tought
i just graduate and im currently preparing for my board exam so that i can get a job, however i find it difficult to concentration the preparation. a lot seem appear in my mind.
1. my bf
he from other country, after graduation he went back to his country and we keep in touch. i do borrow him some amount of money and make me feel guilty for my parent side since he keep on delay to pay me back. my bf like to lie always. and i dont understand why he refuse to help me when ever i need help.
so i confuse he hate to help me but tell me he love me and he can choose to run away with the money but keep on contact with me. so what did he want
im a emotional person therefore come to friend in need i will help but im ending up regret about it. i cant say no to my friend, very fast i will agree with everything than after i finish with it i feel bad especially those who never help me back. maybe im expecting too much
one day i joke with my younger bro than my bro just snap and yelled at me. i hold garage since than. i hate him . i keep in mind i will be success one day and when he need help i will refuse him.
4. my pet death and my love one death or their sickness
their death make me feel depressive with suicide thought. im thinking about what i live for, eventually people i love will all die and it going to be all me alone. im not committing it because i know it will hurt my parent.
5. i afraid i will loose my parent, i afraid there no one to talk to in the future, im afraid i will miss talking with them
6. extremely low self confidence
i have extremely bad result, i feel embarrass. i got only few friend, my first and only relationship is a failure and im confuse. so much stuff i fail to complete.my teacher look down on my my classmate look down on me. some of my high school teacher joke about me in class. i feel bad really bad.im an embarrassment of my family. but one thing everything go well i got good degree and graduated but i hate to go out of my house afraid will meet those people. i still go out anyway for my parent sake.
7. my career
as u know i need to sit for my exam and i always afraid for the exam until i dream bout it.i try to read but i cant concentrate as so many thing in my head hate love confuse, so many imagination that i will be successful. and i love planing but i ending up not following it. i really need concentrate and keep my mind out of all this mess.
what is ur diagnosis
Sorry for being late with my answer.
My strongest recommendation for you is to address all this issues to a psychotherapist from your area. I am a psychotherapist so I don't put labels (diagnostics) on people but I think that you need a specialized help right now.
Wish you all the best!