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QUESTION: How would you get closure on this. I am really upset she would even ask  I really need help immediately on this because I am really upset.

A couple of days ago I was going to write my mom (age 87) a letter to express to her how I feel about things, especially the remarks she makes concerning my clothes. I belong to a few sites that have forums and around 4PM today (June 27th) I was scrolling thru one of them and came across a situation that I had posted where my mom told me to give away some of my clothes - which bothered me. At 5:30PM my mom called out to me from the kitchen to tell me dinner was ready and I told her to give me a couple of minutes because I was looking up something on line. Any way when we were having dinner she asked me what I was looking up and I told her nothing. However, after we ate dinner and mom cleaned up and when the garbage was ready for me to take I said "Dont get mad but I was looking on line about the situations I was posting concerning you and me and I came across one where you told me to give away my clothes". She said "I remember that. That was last year with Hurricane Sandy, I asked if you wanted to give look in your closet and give any away". Tonight I was so angry at her when she said this and tonight I called her a bitch. She knows how I love my clothes. Well we had some fight and are not speaking and I really dont ever want to speak to her again. I told her why would I give away my clothes - I love every single item I own. She said I wasn't telling you I was just asking. I told her she has no right to even ask. She said to me "Well I love my clothes too" But she doesn't love her clothes the way I do. I told her that and I told her I love all my clothes and just because these people need clothes doesn't mean I have to give any of mine away.

But I dont know how to get closure and I am really upset that she would even suggest giving away any of my clothes. Plus the fact last week she said to me she would never tell me to ever give my clothes away.

I really dont know how to deal with this. We are not speaking and I dont ever want to speak to her again. She knows my clothes are important to me. I have tons and I love them all.


Please help

ANSWER: Hello,
I am sorry for your situation but I don't understand why are you so upset considering the fact that your mother told you that she will never ask you to give your clothes away.
Anyway my recommendation for you is to discuss with a local psychologists about your feelings and about this situations (I remember that you wrote me before about the problems with your mother)

Wish you all the best,
Ileana

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: But she did  ask me if I wanted to in October 2012. So isnt that the opposite of what she said when she said she would never ask me.

Also this is a letter I gave to her a couple of days ago and even when she read this letter she refused to answer my questions in the letter saying she already answered. BUt I really need  for her to answer one more time.

LETTER:

MOM Please read and answer important     

Dear Mom: (7/02/13):  First I want to start out by saying that I love you and I worry about you as well.  I know that when you say things it is not what I imagine you are saying, I know I am reading into your remarks and then I pester you and then we have a fight.  Nevertheless the way you say these things make my insecurities come out which in turn makes me read into the remarks.  I don’t think you realize that sometimes I just need you to reassure me, for you to say I am not saying what you think I am saying when I say these remarks.


These are the things that you say during our fight that bothers me:
I was scrolling thru web sites that I belong to and came across a situation that I had posted where you told me to give away some of my clothes (which bothered me).  At 5:30PM you called out to me from the kitchen to tell me dinner was ready and I told you to give me a couple of minutes because I was looking up something on line. Any way when we were having dinner you asked me what I was looking up and I told you nothing. However, after we ate dinner and when the garbage was ready for me to take I said "Dont get mad but I was looking on line about the situations I was posting concerning you and me and I came across one where you told me to give away my clothes". You said "I remember that. That was last year with Hurricane Sandy, I asked if you wanted to give a look in your closet and give any away". I was so angry at you when you said this and I told you why would I give away my clothes - I love every single item I own.   You said I wasn't telling you I was just asking. However, I told you that you have no right to even ask. You said to me "Well I love my clothes too"  But mom you dont love your clothes the way I do.  
Also the other aspect of my clothes with your comments that bother me is when you said during one of our conversations last year “I never tell you when you look good and I never tell you when you look bad “ which makes me think that you think I look bad at times. And I know you said this because you were telling me that if one day you say that you think I look good but the next day you didn’t say anything I would ask you why.


I Know the following:
I know logically all I had to do was say “No mom I don’t have anything to give away I love all my clothes and I plan on owning all my clothes forever”.  But I cannot think logically because I say “How Dare you even ask me knowing how much I love my clothes because I have written this to you in previous letters but then I tell myself you probably don’t remember when I wrote this in the letter or maybe you really did not even read the letter.
I know logically that you were just making a generalization when you said “I never tell you when you look good and I never tell you when you look bad” and you even told me that you never think I look bad


All I want and need from you is for you to tell me the following:
That you did NOT know I love all my clothes when you asked me if I wanted to give any away
That you never think I look bad

Again I want to inform you:
that I plan on owning all the clothes I own now for the rest of my life
that the only reason I was still buying more clothes is because I still had room in my bedroom closet and I had a little room in the den in my hope chests, and my side of the den closet
-that I am now content with what I have, but I am glad that I did purchase more.
I definitely think I have enough clothes and don’t need any more ever again and just want to enjoy what I have and own them forever.




Love Debbie

Answer
Hello,
I am very sorry for my late answer but I was on holiday and I forgot to change my status. I hope that you solve the problem with your mother already and I just wanted to recommend you to consider thinking more about the things that you like about your mother and the aspects that you appreciate at her.

Wish you all the best,
Ileana Truica

Psychiatry & Psychology--General

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Ileana Truica

Expertise

The type of questions that I am able to answer are those regarding depression, anxiety, phobias, psychosis, sexual disorders, relationship issues, anger management, post-traumatic disorders, addictions.

Experience

I am certified by the Romanian College of Psychologists as a clinical psychologist since January 2010 and I have competencies in clinical evaluation and psychological counseling. Since November 2010 I am studying Clinical Hypnosis, Relaxation and Ericksonian Therapy and 2 months ago I started my activities as a psychotherapist assisted by my supervisor, using hypnosis and other techniques.

Organizations
The Romanian College of Psychologists Romanian Association of Clinical Hypnosis, Relaxation and Ericksonian Therapy.

Education/Credentials
I have a BS degree in Psychology and a Masters Degree in Clinical Psychology and Psychopathology. 2 months ago I finished my first 2 years as a trainee in Clinical Hypnosis, Relaxation and Ericksonian Therapy and I am curently receiving supervision as a psychotherapist for the next 2 years.

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