Psychiatry & Psychology--General/idk
hi. I'm 27. Diagnosed severe major depression. Emotional disorder. Anxiety. I have a deep problem I know that my psychiatrist can't touch on...partially because they don't spend much time with me. Amongst the more recent things going on. I do not like sex at all. Mentally romantic relationships aren't even I my desire. I don't remember being close to anyone as a child and have no recollection of close interaction our affection with family or parents. I seem to be very empty and at 27 I only desire close relationships with an adult platonically....I am searching for what is impossible. The pain and disappointment is immense and medicine is not going to cure it...I get hurt when I see little people loved the way I wasn't and I daydream constantly about close relationships Platonic with older guys that sometimes doesn't even have a face. I am extremely sensitive...molested at fourteen....I am stubborn...angry....sarcastic....bold....but by nature I am not any of that...I even for some reason communicate with children as if I'm actually on their level...they tell me all the time how I'm not a grown up and they interact with me differently than other adults....a fifteen year old became angry when I told him we weren't on the same level...I grew up in a church..they are my only family....I've seen much folly...the church has even put me out but ironically...they are who I am interacting with on a daily basis...one is my payee and guardian...they call me all the time mentioning how unfair I've been treated...my mother tried to literally kill me 4 years ago.....I daydream of suicide. I always get an immense pressure inside my head as If my brain is too big for my head....my chest had much discomfort and emptiness....I cry as if I am a child.....I have childlike emotions or something...I am extremely sensitive....I will cry over the beauty I find in the sun....tears welled up right now...I know I need much more medical attention and expertise than I am recieving...I go to Henry Ford hospital detroit...I'm always irritated or sad...severe isolation...sleep troubles...I've stayed up for two days straight on more than one occasion...no street drugs
I am sorry you have been through so much and that it seems to have no way of getting better. I agree with you that you could benefit from more intervention but the expertise i might suggest to you would not be medical. It sounds as if you have received appropriate medical intervention by your psychiatrist. However, you are right, I think you need something more and medical management is NOT the same as psychotherapy. I think you would do much better if you were able to do both...get on the appropriate medications that would help your mood. THEN I would recommend a good psychotherapist for talk therapy or psychoanalytic therapy to treat the consequences of your trauma history. That history sounds significant and requires the relational support and intervention of therapy so you can engage in more rewarding relationships with others as well as yourself.
I suggest you might start with looking for "psychoanalytic" therapists who are trained to work specifically with trauma patients. There are a number of psychoanalysts in the greater Detroit area...you should Google psychoanalysts/Detroit. You might find someone who is both an analyst AND a psychiatrist who can also manage your medications.
There is little I can do as an expert 'outsider' except provide you with some insight and advice for getting help. I believe that your issues are caused by trauma and without gaining some understanding of how/why this all happened it will continue not to make much sense. Then...what happens...is you try to make sense by blaming yourself or feeling not good enough or loveable enough. THIS contributes to your suffering, your isolation, and the feeling you will never find someone to fill the emptiness. The emptiness cannot be filled with another until you begin to patch up the holes left by relational trauma that you suffered as a child. That work is done with a qualified psychotherapist.
I hope you find the help you need quickly. I hate to see you suffering so much when there is help out there for you. Let me know how things work out.