Psychiatry & Psychology--General/OCD Intrusive thought or OCD guilt over sexual fantasy?
This is all very difficult for me. I have dealt with this issue before (by myself), but every now and then I get extremely anxious about it and feel like Iím in a nightmare.
My background is Iím a female in my twenties with moderate generalized anxiety disorder and OCD and have had mild depression the past.
I worry excessively and ruminate about things although that has gotten slightly less over the years, whilst the OCD has gotten worse. Iíve been working on it recently, and have managed to cut down all the usual OCD symptoms and some Pure O symptoms, which has been very hard but worth it. However, there is a worry I have that I canít bring myself to talk about.
In the past and still now sometimes, although I try to not think about it, I have a sexual fantasy that I feel extremely ashamed and disgusted about. I have previously thought it might be an OCD intrusive sexual thought, but because I actually feel real sexual desire and sometimes masturbate from it, I think it might be a sexual fantasy.
Ever since I was little I can remember having this 'fantasy' or whatever it is. I would imagine eating loads of food and gradually becoming fatter. The 'fantasy' actually turned me on, and continues to do so and sometimes leads to masturbation. This is what worries me. If it was an OCD thought, then would it actually turn me on? I don't know if it would. Does this mean I am a feedee or gainer? Someone who gains erotic pleasure from gaining weight?
However, I have no desire whatsoever in real life to actually gain weight. I am average weight and have quite a good figure, slim but curvy which is the way I like it. I exercise a lot, and I feel much, much worse if I'm not toned up, haven't exercised in a few days or feel like I've put a few pounds on. I don't get any erotic pleasure from actually putting on weight. Also, although I have a healthy appetite and enjoy food I get no erotic pleasure whatsoever from eating. In fact, when I was about fourteen I ate very little for a while and almost became anorexic. Also, I'm straight and attracted to men who are physically fit and slim.
I donít know if this is an OCD intrusive thought, or a sexual fantasy (that is only a fantasy as Iíd feel disgusted about this in real life). If itís only a fantasy, am I worrying excessively over it because I have generalized anxiety disorder and OCD and do I need to accept that even people with so called normal sexualities have strange sexual fantasies sometimes? Or does the fact that I have this sexual fantasy mean I am abnormal?
I'm extremely worried about and don't want to be someone who gets erotic pleasure from things like that. It disgusts me, worries me and makes me feel guilty like I'm a horrible, deviant person. It also puts me off getting into a sexual relationship with a guy. Does the fact I don't want to feel like this mean it's an OCD thing?
Please help me figure this out, I'm so worried by it.
Yes, it sounds like Obsessive disorder. You should not be dwelling on sexual fantasies. All sorts of fantasies normally go through person's mind, and most people just dismiss them for what they are, random thoughts that mean nothing. If you dwell on them and they interfere with your functioning, then that should be the focus of some counseling.