Psychiatry & Psychology--General/Mental health?


What is the problem I have, is it serious, common, etc?
I'm 19 male, average upbringing, psychopath father (dead) never met him, disgusting stories, someone 'truly' bad. Sweet mother. I was raised with my older brother, younger sister, kind mum and concerning grandmother, middle child, left out, different, I was born prematurely but I have grown well, I am not mentally/physically retarded. I used to talk to my self a lot as a kid, sit alone, keen eye when it came to judging grown ups, social interaction was embarrassing, I failed at it a lot, I thrived to fit in and be cool like my older brother, my family and I used to fight a lot, they didnt except me in my pre - early teens growing up, as I used to grow my hair and listen to loud music, they would verbally abuse me, one time my mum ran a bath and tried to hold my head under it, i ran away a few times but truthfully I just wanted to be free of oppression, things got better as I rebelled. I was not like other kids, I was weird, cold and trying too hard to fit in because I had no idea who I was, no ambition, no identity, I just existed, not lived, still dont.i used to find creative ways to kill bugs and frogs etc, even in my mid teens i was taking home frogs and pouring candlewax in there eyes and chopping off the limbs. There was incest in my family as a child, i didn't care its common as a child, it happened with a lot of my relatives bro, sis, cousin etc in my mid teens it carried on with one of them, i didnt care or see how it was uncomfortable as it was all just pleasure in high school I had fights, I hated bullies i would **** them up for the slightest confrontation, adrenaline made me feel strong and powerful I had one proper relationship and a few one day fling things, that didnt go very well at all, women crazier than me i just started not to care about anything, I even had gay relations more than female not gay at all i just didnt care i wanted certain things like drugs, money, alcohol and through these acts I got them because charm wasnt a skill of mine. i know how to manipulate relationships gon down hill any connection had from leavin school crumbled as people could see how bad I was fitting in my social interactions are awful, but i now mastered picking up signals of those around me and acting accordingly, im almost pro at it i still **** up though, now iv developed extremely shallow emotions, i have to do dangerous things to feel slight joy and to feel alive, the only emotion that remains is anxiety and thats because of weed, which iv stopped had a faze of voices which passed in early teens nd to this day i have developed impulsive and sick sexual behavior like sometimes i will go out at night and bury my self in soil etc it brings adrenaline and recently a family friend, somewhat as a grandfather as a kid died, i didnt even care, i had to pretend to grieve, so i got drunk and made crocodile tears so the world wouldnt see I was heartless. point is my emotions are very shallow, i barley care of others unless i can gain i have few friends and they dont know me at all really, i constantly wear a mask because i have no identity, im close with no one and I just want to blend in, i want real connections but i cant really care for others, im incapable it seems. and sometimes i want to kill or hurt people, im easily frustated what is wrong with me? Thank you

Dear Peter,

You may wish to read up on:

Conduct Disorder

Antisocial Personality Disorder

Take care there.

Sam (Narcissists, Psychopaths, Abuse) (Sam Vaknin's Media Kit and Press Room) (World in Conflict and Transition) (Sayings of Wisdom and Inanity) (Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited)

Psychiatry & Psychology--General

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Sam Vaknin, Ph.D.


Personality disorders. I have collaborated with Israeli psychologists and criminologists in the study of personality disorders and am the author of "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" (available from Barnes and Noble and as an e-book from my publisher). My expertise is: the Narcissistic Personality Disorder and pathological narcissism.


I am the author of Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited. (number 1 bestseller in its category in Barnes and Noble). The Web site "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" was, for many years, an Open Directory Cool Site and a Psych-UK recommended Site. I am not a mental health professional though I am certified in psychological counseling techniques by Brainbench. I served as the editor of Mental Health Disorders categories in the Open Directory Project and on I have my own websites about the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and about relationships with abusive narcissists here and in HealthyPlace. You can read my work on many other Web sites: Mental Health Matters, Mental Health Sanctuary, Mental Health Today, Kathi's Mental Health Review and others. I also served as the author of the Personality Disorders topic, Narcissistic Personality Disorder topic, the Verbal and Emotional Abuse topic, and the Spousal Abuse and Domestic Violence topic, all four on Suite101, as well as the moderator of the Narcissistic Abuse Study List , the Toxic Relationships Study List, and other mailing lists (c. 7000 members). I wrote a column for Bellaonline on Narcissism and Abusive Relationships.

"Managing Investment Portfolios in States of Uncertainty", Limon Publishers, Tel-Aviv, 1988 "The Gambling Industry", Limon Publishers, Tel-Aviv, 1990 "Requesting My Loved One: Short Stories", Miskal-Yedioth Aharonot, Tel-Aviv, 1997 "The Suffering of Being Kafka” (electronic book of Hebrew and English Short Fiction), Prague, 1998-2004 "The Macedonian Economy at a Crossroads – On the Way to a Healthier Economy" (dialogues with Nikola Gruevski), Skopje, 1998 "The Exporter’s Pocketbook" Ministry of Trade, Republic of Macedonia, Skopje, 1999 "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited", Narcissus Publications, Prague, 1999-2007 (Read excerpts - click here) The Narcissism, Psychopathy, and Abuse in Relationships Series (E-books regarding relationships with abusive narcissists and psychopaths), Prague, 1999-2010 Personality Disorders Revisited (e-book about personality disorders), Prague, 2007 "After the Rain – How the West Lost the East", Narcissus Publications in association with Central Europe Review/CEENMI, Prague and Skopje, 2000 More than 30 e-books about psychology, international affairs, business and economics, philosophy, short fiction, and reference (free download here) Winner of numerous awards, among them Israel's Council of Culture and Art Prize for Maiden Prose (1997), The Rotary Club Award for Social Studies (1976), and the Bilateral Relations Studies Award of the American Embassy in Israel (1978). Hundreds of professional articles in all fields of finance and economics, and numerous articles dealing with geopolitical and political economic issues published in both print and Web periodicals in many countries. Many appearances in the electronic and print media on subjects in psychology, philosophy, and the sciences, and concerning economic matters.

1970-1978: Completed nine semesters in the Technion – Israel Institute of Technology, Haifa. 1982-3: Ph.D. in Philosophy (dissertation: "Time Asymmetry Revisited") – California Miramar University (formerly: Pacific Western University), California, USA. 1982-5: Graduate of numerous courses in Finance Theory and International Trading in the UK and USA. Certified E-Commerce Concepts Analyst by Brainbench. Certified in Psychological Counselling Techniques by Brainbench. Certified Financial Analyst by Brainbench. Full proficiency in Hebrew and in English.

Awards and Honors
Winner of numerous awards, among them Israel's Council of Culture and Art Prize for Maiden Prose (1997), The Rotary Club Award for Social Studies (1976), and the Bilateral Relations Studies Award of the American Embassy in Israel (1978).

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