Psychiatry & Psychology--General/There is something wrong with my personality
I'm 19 male, average upbringing, psychopath father (dead) never met him, disgusting stories, someone 'truly' bad. Sweet mother. I was raised with my older brother, younger sister, kind mum and concerning grandmother, middle child, left out, different, I was born prematurely but I have grown well, I am not mentally/physically retarded. I used to talk to my self a lot as a kid, sit alone, keen eye when it came to judging grown ups, social interaction was embarrassing, I failed at it a lot, I thrived to fit in and be cool like my older brother, my family and I used to fight a lot, they didnt except me in my pre - early teens growing up, as I used to grow my hair and listen to loud music, they would verbally abuse me, one time my mum ran a bath and tried to hold my head under it, i ran away a few times but truthfully I just wanted to be free of oppression, things got better as I rebelled. I was not like other kids, I was weird, cold and trying too hard to fit in because I had no idea who I was, no ambition, no identity, I just existed, not lived, still dont. I used to find creative ways to kill bugs and frogs etc, even in my mid teens i was taking home frogs and pouring candlewax in there eyes and chopping off the limbs. I DO understand that those actions are wrong. There was incest in my family as a child, i didn't care its common as a child, it happened with a lot of my relatives bro, sis, cousin etc in my mid teens it carried on with one of them, i didnt care or see how it was uncomfortable as it was all just pleasure
Update: in high school I had fights, I hated bullies i would **** them up for the slightest confrontation, adrenaline made me feel strong and powerful I had one proper relationship and a few one day fling things, that didnt go very well at all, women crazier than me i just started not to care about anything, I even had gay relations more than female not gay at all i just didnt care i wanted certain things like drugs, money, alcohol and through these acts I got them because charm wasnt a skill of mine
Update 2: i know how to manipulate relationships gone down hill any connection had from leaving school crumbled as people could see how bad I was fitting in my social interactions are awful, but i now mastered picking up signals of those around me and acting accordingly, im almost pro at it i still **** up though, now iv developed extremely shallow emotions, i have to do dangerous things to feel slight joy and to feel alive, the only emotion that remains is anxiety and thats because i smoked cannabis for a short time, which ive stopped
Update 3: had a faze of voices which passed in early teens nd to this day i have developed impulsive and sick sexual behavior like sometimes i will go out at night and bury my self in soil etc it brings adrenaline and recently a family friend, somewhat as a grandfather as a kid died, i didnt even care, i had to pretend to grieve, so i got drunk and made crocodile tears so the world wouldnt see I was heartless. point is my emotions are very shallow, i barley care of others unless i can gain
Update 4: i have few friends and they dont know me at all really, i constantly wear a mask because i have no identity, im close with no one and I just want to blend in, i want real connections but i cant really care for others, im incapable it seems. and sometimes i want to kill or hurt people, im easily frustrated what is wrong with me? the point is, i feel as if I barley exist, like I am simply watching the world around me, my emotions mostly are feigned and I hate it. Excuse my spelling. Thank you
You are young enough to make the changes needed before your life becomes more complicated. A good therapist has heard all this stuff before, so you don't have to be afraid of telling this story to someone (in fact, print this out and let them read it at your first appointment). So the advice is to find a therapist and spend some time working on these issues.