Expert: Daniel S. Harrop, M.D. - 11/21/2007

Question
TO START OFF WITH IM 26 AND MY HUBBY IS 39, WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER ABOUT 4 YRS. HE IS SEVERELY DEPRESSED. IN OCT OF 98 HE LOST HIS WIFE IN A CAR CRASH, ON HIS OLDEST DAUGHTERS B-DAY. IN OCT OF 05 HE LOST HIS BABY WHOM WAS 15 IN A CAR CRASH ALSO. WE GOT MARRIED IN MARCH OF 06'. WE JUST HAD A BABY, HE IS 8 MONTHS OLD.  MY HUSBAND IS NEVER HAPPY, HE PUTS ON A SHOW MOST OF THE TIME. HE ALWAYS TALKS ABOUT HOW HE DONT THINK THAT HE WAS MEANT TO BE HAPPY IN THIS LIFETIME. I RECENTLY FOUND OUT THAT HE HAD BEEN TALKING TO ANOTHER FEMALE ALMOST EVERYDAY AND HAS HID IT FROM ME, WHEN I CONFRONTED HIM HE SAID THAT SHE WAS AN EX FROM HIGH SCHOOL AND THAT HE HAS BEEN TALKIN TO HER FOR ABOUT 7 MONTHS,AND THAT THERE WAS NOTHING GOING ON. HE SAID THAT HE IS HEAD OF HOUSEHOLD OUR PROVIDER AND OUR SECURITY AND THAT IT WAS EASIER TALKING TO HER THAN IT IS CRYING TO US B/C THEN HE LOOKS LIKE LESS OF A MAN AND LOOKS WEAK TO US.SO OF COURSE AS ANY WIFE WOULD DO I FREAKED OUT ACCUSED HIM OF CHEATING, AND WONDERED WHY HE HAD BEEN LYING TO ME AND HIDING THIS.I HAVE NEVER HAD TO WORRY ABOUT HIM CHEATING OR ANYTHING SO THIS WAS A BIG SUPRISE TO ME. FINALLY I GOT UP THE NERVE TO CALL HER. SHE SAID THAT SHE ASKED HIM IF I KNEW THEY WERE TALKING AND HE SAID YES. SHE SAID THAT SHE WAS MARRIED AND THAT HER HUSBAND KNEW THAT THEY WERE TALKING. SHE SAID THAT PRETTY MUCH ALL SHE WAS DOING WAS COUNSELING HIM. SHE SAID THAT SHE HASNT PHYSICALLY SEEN HIM IN 7MONTHS AND I BELIEVE HER B/C HER HUSBAND WAS TALKING IN THE BACKGROUND TO ME ALSO.  SHE SAID THAT SHE THOUGHT THAT I KNEW ABOUT THEM AND THAT SHE WASNT GOING TO TALK TO HIM ANYMORE B/C IT WAS CAUSING US PROBS. WELL OF COURSE I'M SITTING HERE THINKING WHY IS HE TALKING TO ANOTHER WOMAN AND NOT ME, THEN I HAVE ALL THESE THOUGHTS GOING ON...AM I A FAILURE, HAVE I DROVE HIM AWAY, CAN HE NOT TALK TO ME, WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MAKE HIM FEEL HE COULDNT TALK TO ME...SO THEN I WENT TO HIS WORK. I ASKED HIM IF HE WAS GOING TO TALK TO HER AGAIN AND HE SAID NO,BUT THAT HE DIDNT THINK TALKING TO HER WAS A BIG DEAL AND DIDNT SEE WHY I WAS SO UPSET....(HELLO)....ARE U STUPID, U HAVE BEEN LYING AND SNEAKING!!!AM I STUPID FOR GETTING MAD AT HIM FOR TALKING TO HER WHEN IT WAS EVERYDAY FROM 1-7 TIMES??    I TOLD HIM THAT I WASNT GOING TO DEAL WITH THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR. USUALLY AROUND HOLIDAYS HE GIVES ME THE SAME OLD LINE OF HE DONT KNOW IF WE SHOULD STAY TOGETHER OR NOT AND THAT 90% OF THE TIME HES HAPPY WITH ME AND THEN 10% OF THE TIME HE WOULD RATHER BE ALONE. HE SAYS THAT THERE ISNT A DAY THAT GOES BY THAT HE ISNT MAD OR ANGRY OR SAD OR UPSET. HE TOLD ME THAT HE DONT REALLY CARE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS TO US , B/C LOSING A CHILD IS THE WORST THING THAT COULD EVER HAPPEN TO ANYBODY AND THAT OUR MARRIAGE ENDING IS LIKE HAVING SURGERY VERSES BREAKING A BONE. HE SAID THAT THE ONLY THING IN LIFE THAT HES WORRIED ABOUT IS HIS KIDS. THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE HE DONT WANT ME.  EVERYTHING CAN BE GOOD AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN BAM BACK TO THE I DONT KNO IF WE WERE GOING TO STAY TOGETHER. HE SAYS THAT WE ARE PERFECT IN THE FACT THAT WE GET ALONG, HAVE THE SAME HOBBIES, DONT FUSS OR FIGHT, COMPANIONSHIP ECT. BUT WE LACK IN MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL CONNECTION.  WHAT DOES HE MEAN??? I DONT UNDERSTAND THAT AND HE DONT COMMUNICATE WITH ME, I NEVER KNO WHATS WRONG WITH HIM OR IF HES IN A GOOD OR BAD MOOD..HES LIKE A ZOMBIE THAT TAKES THINGS DAY BY DAY AND COULD CARE LESS IF I'M AROUND OR NOT.  I FEEL UNWANTED, UNLOVED, DISAPOINTED, LET DOWN AND I FEEL LIKE IM STARTING TO GET DEPRESSED B/C OF HIM. I ALSO FEEL LIKE SOMETIMES THE ONLY REASON THAT IM AROUND IS SO THAT THE BABY IS AROUND.I FEEL LIKE IF I SAID THAT HE COULD HAVE THE BABY THEN HE WOULD WANT ME TO LEAVE. WE HARDLY HAVE SEX, AND THEN WHEN WE DO ITS LIKE A ROBOTIC THING, THE EMOTION HAS LEFT ITS ALMOST LIKE DOING IT FOR THE FIRST TIME...REAL AKWARD.. IM IN LOVE WITH HIM BUT WE DONT ACT LIKE IT, THE KISSING, HUGGING, HOLDING HANDS AND ALL THAT OTHER STUFF HAS WENT AWAY. IF I ASK HIM DOES HE LOVE ME HE SAYS YES BUT HE DON'T SHOW IT. ITS NOT FAIR TO ME BUT IN THE SAME SENSE I DONT WANT TO ABANDON HIM. WE ALMOST ACT LIKE ROOMATES AND BUDDIES. I DONT KNO WHETHER TO HUG HIM OR NOT ON A FEAR OF REJECTION. I FEEL LIKE A STRANGER IN MY OWN HOUSE AND I'M ALWAYS UNCOMFORTABLE.  U HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE MARRIED TO A MAN THAT U ONCE WERE SO HEAD OVER HEELS ABOUT AND NOW U HAVE TO MONITOR WHAT U SAY OR EVEN HAVE TO THINK ABOUT AND ANALYZE WHAT U WANT TO DO...ITS SO HARD. BEFORE HIS DAUGHTER PASSED AWAY HE WAS SO INLOVE WITH ME THAT IT WAS ALMOST PSHYCOTIC, WE SEPERATED ONE TIME AND HE CRIED, BEGGED AND (THIS IS A GROWN MAN MIGHT WE KEEP IN MIND) HAD HIS MOM WRITE ME A LETTER EXPRESSING HIS LOVE FOR ME.  I ASKED HIM WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM BEING LIKE THAT ABOUT ME AND HE SAID WELL I GUESS WHEN MY DAUGHTER DIED THAT PART OF ME DIED TOO! THEN ON THE OTHER SIDE HE COMES IN AND LOVES ME OR TELLS ME OVER THE PHONE HE LOVES ME AND THEN WHEN I SAY I LOVE U TOO HE SAYS NO...I MEAN THAT I REALLY LOVE U WITH EVERYTHING. HE GRABBED MY HAND ABOUT A WEEK AGO AND SAID THAT ALL HE WANTED FOR X-MAS WAS FOR US TO STAY JUST LIKE WE ARE AND TAKE CARE OF OUR BABY THEN YESTERDAY WE WERE BACK TO HE DONT KNO IF WE WILL MAKE IT BUT HES TOO DEPRESSED TO MAKE A DRASTIC DECISION JUST YET,SO HE SAYS! AND THEN WHEN HE GOT HOME LAST NIGHT IT WAS LIKE NOTHING EVER HAPPENED. SOMETIMES WHEN HE DOES ACTUALLY HUG ME U CAN TELL ITS WITH ALL OF HIS HEART AND SINCERE BUT OTHER TIMES ITS LIKE SOMETHING THAT HE JUST HAS TO DO, WITH NO EMOTION....I DONT KNO WHAT TO DO BUT IF I DONT FIND A WAY TO REPAIR OUR MARRIAGE I'M GONNA LEAVE!  HE WONT SEEK COUNSALING B/C HE HAS ALREADY AND HE SAID THAT IT DIDNT HELP AND HE WONT GO SEE A DR. FOR MEDS....WHAT DO I DO!!!!!HE IS ONE OF THOSE PPL THAT NOBODY IS GONNA MAKE HIM DO ANYTHING AND IF I SAY I'M LEAVING UNLESS U SEEK HELP, THEN THE STATE THAT HE IS IN HE WOULD JUST SAY TO LEAVE THEN. I EVEN ASKED HIM WOULD HE GO TO MARRIAGE COUNCILING IF IT WOULD SAVE OUR MARRAIGE AND HE SAID NO!  IM AT MY ENDS WIT. I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS WITH 2 SMALL CHILDREN. I USE TO BE THE FUNNY ONE, THE OUTGOING CLOWN OF THE BUNCH NOW IM THE HARDLY HAS ANY FRIENDS B/C I LIVE MY LIFE AROUND MY KIDS AND HIM. HE HAS BRUNG ME DOWN SO MUCH AND DOESNT EVEN KNOW IT.  WHAT DO I DO??? PLEASE!  

Answer
You should get into counseling yourself.  Surely you have the issues, not just the marriage but also your own issues ("I FEEL UNWANTED, UNLOVED, DISAPOINTED, LET DOWN AND I FEEL LIKE IM STARTING TO GET DEPRESSED").  This can only be handled by you getting into counseling.