Expert: Alan Auerbach - 10/4/2007

Question
I have been married for 7 years and I love my wife very much.  As most marriages go we have had our ups and downs. We no children between us and I have a one son from my first marriage and she has 2 (17 year old boy and 12 yr. old daughter).  Having a mixed marriage has been difficult but none the less we have managed.  My question basically is that I feel my wife doesn't desire me sexually and I say this because during the first 3 years of my marriage my wife and I would have sex regularly and (3 to 5 times a month) Now we barely have it twice a month and if I don't initaite it I think we would not have it at all.  I have tried to talk to her about my concern and she just brushes it off with saying that one of her best friends has it only once a month at that and that its normal.  I disagree enterily with her opinion but she never really tells me what the problem her problem is.  I am just fustrated now and have tried everything from being more communicative and romantic but it seems the more I do for her the less she does for me and so I stop because I think she is just taking advantage of me!  I will say this that a couple of years ago we were drifting apart not because I didn't love her but because we didn't see eye to eye in racing my step children (mainly my stepson who has ADHD).  I feel she resented me at that time and I started to resent her as well and became very cold to her. It seemed the more we fought the longer it took for me and her to get over our arguements.  Also at the time we were taking care of my bed ridden mother in law who just passed away early this year so I know my wife had a lot on her plate but I never pressured her to not take care of her mother in fact I helped out as much as I could.  Anyway, about a year ago I managed to get into her email at work and I found some emails between her and another man at her work site and they were of a sexual nature.  I never found anything to prove that she was cheating on me but when I confronted her on it she didn't deny them but never explained why she had been emailing this man at her work.  I never suspected my wife of being capable of doing something like that but eventhough we were having marrital problems at the time I realized I still loved her and was willing to forgive her for what she had done.  She apoligized to me and told me that she wanted to work things out so we could have a happy marriage.  For about almost a year I tried very hard to make things better between us an I became more communicative with her and tried to be more romantic and affectionate with her but as I said, the more I did the less she would do for me.  Our sex life did increase to an average of 3 times a month but since her mother's passing this year in Feb. it seems that she is not interested in sex anymore.  Everytime I try to convey my feeling on the subject she shys away from the topic or we simply end up arguing.  I even bought a book on how to make our sex life in bedroom better and it has helped me but she will not hear what I have to say about or read it herself.  We once went to therapy early in our marriage but it was a disaster and anytime I suggested it becomes a sore issue with my wife.  Anytime we do have sex it's because I have initated it and even then it's a whole ritual that I have to go through before she will let me intiate anything sexually.  For example I have to scratch her back gently for 15 min. or longer and then sometimes that will do the trick.  I just dont' get it she just doesn't seem interested in it and I feel like a pervert every time I have to ask her if she is in the mood or simply the fact that if I don't do anything she will not initaite sex at all.  I know there is no quick fix but any advice you may have would be a blessing.

Answer
Hi Raul

From what you say you've tried every reasonable and customary remedy and it doesn't work. It's hard to do something that is supposed to take two mutual participants entirely by yourself, and I'm sorry for your predicament. The fact is, she has decided she doesn't want sex with you and she doesn't want to change that, and she is entitled to hold that position. So, my friend, here are two options.

1. Your sex life is not to be with her. Have all the sex you want, as long as it is through masturbation or paid companions or somesuch. If, other than sex (which, fortunately, will gradually become less important over the coming years), the relationship is worthwhile, lots of men live reasonably happily with women who can't for instance cook or clean, drive, work, or even walk. If she refuses sex, compromise is part of life. The reasons for the refusal may not be important, because you will probably never learn them, or because knowing what they are likely won't solve the problem.

2. Lay it on the line. State that reasonable sex is a requirement for staying with her. She either compromises an agreed-upon amount or you separate. This is not kind, may not work, and may cause other problems, but it is an option.

Maybe you could offer her the choice.

Hope those thoughts help a bit, and good luck with whatever you decide. I should add that this falls outside my area of expertise, so you should take my comments as coming from just, say, a friend or neighbor, not from an authority.

Alan